Feeling doesn’t exist

[ctbgurl]

Everything is like one big hit to the chest and then I feel nothing. No matter if the news is good or bad, I feel the same. I will always feel the same no matter what, and nothing will ever satisfy me. There's no cure for this, so I need to formulate a plan soon.
My mind is blank at all times. I think of nothing, yet still manage to internally break 90% of the day. It's confusing. I'm just confused.

 

[reverse03]

I feel like you became apathetic, desensitized to everything. I am also like you before. I always just go to the flow until one thing triggers me and I blow up then after few days I return to being apathetic.
Just like now, I am at the peak of me being suicidal for few months then it suddenly died down, I know I am suicidal and just waiting for another trigger to blow me up. I can ignore it by being busy with things but once I stopped doing something my mind always come back to my ctb plans.

 

[ctbgurl]

I feel like you became apathetic, desensitized to everything. I am also like you before. I always just go to the flow until one thing triggers me and I blow up then after few days I return to being apathetic.
Just like now, I am at the peak of me being suicidal for few months then it suddenly died down, I know I am suicidal and just waiting for another trigger to blow me up. I can ignore it by being busy with things but once I stopped doing something my mind always come back to my ctb plans.

I haven't been apathetic since I was a little girl. I'm long gone… And what you said about the triggers is relatable, except over time everything has become a trigger to me. Everything results in the same feeling.. Anger. It's exhausting.