XKZyn
Member
- Jul 27, 2025
- 39
I want to ctb yet I'm so scared, terrified of what comes after I die. I want to live so I can experience some things I want to experience again but I'm too afraid and too lazy for this life. I wish my Gramma raised us for independence rather than being dependant on her. I feel a lot of regret, shame?
I wish I could experience love while I'm young, I hate how I've wasted my youth and squandered any future opportunities for myself. I hate how self-destructive I am.
I want to experience love but I don't even know if I'd like it, love is a complicated emotion that I struggle with. I don't necessarily love my family or friends, I used to but in recent years I don't know what it means to love someone or how it's meant to feel. Is love that warm feeling you're supposed to feel in your chest, that feeling you get when you laugh? I care a lot for my family and some friends but I can't ever bring myself to say I love them, or I love you back to them. I wish I had some drive or purpose, I desperately want purpose. Without a purpose I'm drifting along life, without motivation I can't find my purpose. I wish I had a second chance at life so I can try to do things right the second time, even if it were just five years back. I wish I could've done things right. I'm stuck. Do I ctb or suffer in this long game of life? Suffer for a chance at happiness? My family won't ever be fixed so wouldn't it just be empty in the end? Won't these memories of mine always haunt me, will their words stay stuck in my head, will I stay stuck with this loneliness for life? This aching yet comforting loneliness of mine. This hopeless feeling is stuck with me? Can I hope for something better, or am I forever trouble like she said?
I wish I could experience love while I'm young, I hate how I've wasted my youth and squandered any future opportunities for myself. I hate how self-destructive I am.
I want to experience love but I don't even know if I'd like it, love is a complicated emotion that I struggle with. I don't necessarily love my family or friends, I used to but in recent years I don't know what it means to love someone or how it's meant to feel. Is love that warm feeling you're supposed to feel in your chest, that feeling you get when you laugh? I care a lot for my family and some friends but I can't ever bring myself to say I love them, or I love you back to them. I wish I had some drive or purpose, I desperately want purpose. Without a purpose I'm drifting along life, without motivation I can't find my purpose. I wish I had a second chance at life so I can try to do things right the second time, even if it were just five years back. I wish I could've done things right. I'm stuck. Do I ctb or suffer in this long game of life? Suffer for a chance at happiness? My family won't ever be fixed so wouldn't it just be empty in the end? Won't these memories of mine always haunt me, will their words stay stuck in my head, will I stay stuck with this loneliness for life? This aching yet comforting loneliness of mine. This hopeless feeling is stuck with me? Can I hope for something better, or am I forever trouble like she said?
