Feeling better but still want to die

[Supersadmommy90]

You know how you always hear it said that people perking up and feeling better all of a sudden after a lengthy depression are at an increased risk of CTB. I'm at a place where I can understand that. I'm following my recovery plan for the next decade or two at least before I can have a hope of excusing myself from the party so to speak.That's the thing. My depression hasn't gone away, it's just been subdued by other things for the moment, but the desire to inflict a deadly blow to my person is like an old faithful friend that family and society disapprove of, so I have to sneak around in order to hide the friendship in a sense. This forum is the only place where I can hold hands in public so to speak. I view my postponing of CTB as my main coping mechanism with getting through the interim until I can finally enact my desire. I don't even want to rush into it honestly, or CTB prematurely. I feel I am giving myself all the time in the world to live life to the fullest. All the same I still can't wait to die. Unpopular opinion: It's healthier to embrace death than to fear it.

 

[Throwawaysoul]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

Yes I am too. I had written a detailed post about how I resolved my issue of celibacy as a 30 year old woman but lost the writing and haven't felt up to typing that all out again. But the long and short of it is that I had no idea how much pussy power I still have even as a past her prime woman with baggage, and I now realize that the degree of mental destruction I was suffering over my relationship situation was undue and irrational.

I made the real world changes suggested to me by some very kind members of this site who were good enough to reach out and talk some sense into me. Especially the member Eating_Raw_Cocoa, he gave me a lot of confidence to put myself out there for one last kick at the dating can. So compared to a lot of people on this site I'm admittedly doing better since I have the capacity to feel pleasure and look forward to that again. I'm grappling with guilt over my remaining suicidal feelings, and trying to put them on the shelf if I can't do away with them completely. Believe it or not getting laid hasn't altogether magically solved everything although it has caused me to back off from the edge of the cliff So I do have a lot in the real world grounding me now, thankfully. I am grateful for the tender mercies of God and I will taken them where I can get them.

I still have a preoccupation with ctb that seems to be becoming more mental and philisophical in nature, rather than being an overwhelming, even physical urge. I still am frequenting this site though because of the emotional support I am provided with here. I can anonymously express my true feelings where I'll be understood and without hurting or worrying anyone. It's a win all around.