Venting Feeling ashamed for not having enough courage for such a long time

[W3akCr3atur3]

I've made this account almost 2.5 years ago on this forum and yet I'm still there. No success at getting better nor ending my life. I almost hung myself once, but at the last moment I gave up.
Seeing people with accounts made in 2022 succeeding CTB makes me really jealous. I've gathered enough of useful info on this forum and now I'm just venting and complaining here. This is such a cringe...

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Try not to beat yourself up; those who summon the courage and manage to go through with it are always going to be the minority. Eventually the pain of living will eclipse everything else if life doesn't somehow improve. At least that's how I try to console myself to not feel as stressed about it.

 

[Cryptonite]

I'm now looking into substances that can get you rid of fear. DXM, PCP etc. Maybe it's worth giving a shot? We need to stay strong. Can you imagine the terrifying consequences if we fail to CTB? I cannot even think about it. I know I will never ever give up, no matter what. I will stay on the course.

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

I'm now looking into substances that can get you rid of fear. DXM, PCP etc. Maybe it's worth giving a shot? We need to stay strong. Can you imagine the terrifying consequences if we fail to CTB? I cannot even think about it. I know I will never ever give up, no matter what. I will stay on the course.

Consequences are that terrifying imo. Just more suffering until the successful attempt. At the very worst I could end up in psych ward, but it's unlikely, because I live alone and I'd attempt hanging in a lonely place at night.
Thanks for offering info about these substances, but I just need to build a courage myself.

 

[MidnightCat]

I do feel like that too.

In fact, I feel like a liar to myself, a shameless clown. It's been more than 15 years since the first time I thought of ctb. This last 2 I've been thinking about it every day for hours.

But, even tho we did not make it, doesn't make us losers. It may not be courage or whatnot, maybe it's not our time yet.

 

[Cryptonite]

I do feel like that too.

In fact, I feel like a liar to myself, a shameless clown. It's been more than 15 years since the first time I thought of ctb. This last 2 I've been thinking about it every day for hours.

But, even tho we did not make it, doesn't make us losers. It may not be courage or whatnot, maybe it's not our time yet.

I personally def feel like a loser, even though it's been only around 8 months since I realized the devastating consequences of my spinal disease. I see CTB as a huge project, I'm committed to it and will do everything in my power to be successful. 100% determined.

 

[MidnightCat]

I personally def feel like a loser, even though it's been only around 8 months since I realized the devastating consequences of my spinal disease. I see CTB as a huge project, I'm committed to it and will do everything in my power to be successful. 100% determined.

Don't get me wrong. I do feel like a loser, but I try to rationalize the feeling and try to understand when depression is speaking for myself instead of "me".

And even when we're all here to catch the bus, I do feel like it's something we don't need to force.

Rushing may lead to not doing it properly (and potentially having it more difficult or impossible to try again) or even regret the decision in the last minute (which, at least in my case will blow my mind and will, making me feel even worse).

Everyone is free to ctb whenever they want to, but I'll always feel it should not be rushed.

 

[stermc]

I feel you. I actually feel the same way. I haven't been here for long, but I am thinking about killing my self for 12 years and failed all of my attempts (obviously).
It's hard to die. SI, hope, mood swings, fear, confusion… there are so many things keeping us from actually doing it.

Some people say people who CTB are cowards or selfish, some of them say they are brave.
I think they are brave, but I also don't think we are cowards.

I believe it is what it is. Maybe the day you feel ready is coming, maybe not. But either way, there is no shame in that.

The right time came to them. It might come to you too.

Death is always around the corner. Getting there can be a slow process, but it will happen if that's what you want. Just give yourself time.

 

[Cryptonite]

Don't get me wrong. I do feel like a loser, but I try to rationalize the feeling and try to understand when depression is speaking for myself instead of "me".

And even when we're all here to catch the bus, I do feel like it's something we don't need to force.

Rushing may lead to not doing it properly (and potentially having it more difficult or impossible to try again) or even regret the decision in the last minute (which, at least in my case will blow my mind and will, making me feel even worse).

Everyone is free to ctb whenever they want to, but I'll always feel it should not be rushed.

I get what you say, rushing is not a good idea. On the other hand, it is very easy to fall into being "content with suffering", so to speak. People say "I'm not going to rush" and suddenly they realize they've suffered for decades. This stuff is dangerous.

I feel you. I actually feel the same way. I haven't been here for long, but I am thinking about killing my self for 12 years and failed all of my attempts (obviously).
It's hard to die. SI, hope, mood swings, fear, confusion… there are so many things keeping us from actually doing it.

Some people say people who CTB are cowards or selfish, some of them say they are brave.
I think they are brave, but I also don't think we are cowards.

I believe it is what it is. Maybe the day you feel ready is coming, maybe not. But either way, there is no shame in that.

The right time came to them. It might come to you too.

Death is always around the corner. Getting there can be a slow process, but it will happen if that's what you want. Just give yourself time.

It's actually relieving when hope is out of the equation. Incurable spinal disease put a stamp on my life and added one more on top of my another disease. At first I was devastated about it, now I'm somehow starting to feel the weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I've always been very emotionally invested in "near misses". I'm glad I missed a life worth living by 10 000 miles and not just by one mile.

 

[sevenkarmas]

I had planned to ctb January 7. Over the holidays, I visited my mom, brother and sister who I have not spent any real time with for over 3 years. They are concerned about my current situation. During that time, I had some positive movement in my personal life outside of my failing marriage and family issues. I had several interviews with a stable organization. My director asked me if I was interested in becoming a manager, as he had a role that was going to open up in the new year. I had also planned on using a bonus to pay for my cremation so that my mother (who receives a very small retirement check) would not be burdened with dealing with my remains. The company I work for continued to delay paying out my bonus and eventually swallowed up because the company I worked for was sold and the new owners took over January 1. I have to sell the house, due to the divorce. On the night I was going to ctb, my mom called and said she wanted to give me money (she was going to take out an equity loan on her house) to help me find a new house. I refused her gift, but it killed my vibe to off myself. I had to sell the car I was going to ctb in because of a court order related to the pending divorce. The car I have now is a two-seater and extremely small -there's no way to put in a charcoal burning grill, even a small one, without catching the car on fire.

I have to regroup. My option now is to do it at home in my office. I had avoided this because the house needs to be sold and the stigma that someone killed themself in said house could greatly impact the selling price.

I had started to think I was going to get better. I started to plan something that would take a three year commitment. Now I can't even look at what I wrote out. It's back to the miserable every day existence.

This past week, it all turned to shit.

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

>Seeing people with accounts made in 2022 succeeding CTB makes me really jealous.
Are you sure they CTB? They could've just left the forum and got better?

I meant those who left a goodbye thread. I believe most of them actually did end their lives.
I wouldn't mind getting better too, but it doesn't seem possible anymore

 

[stermc]

I get what you say, rushing is not a good idea. On the other hand, it is very easy to fall into being "content with suffering", so to speak. People say "I'm not going to rush" and suddenly they realize they've suffered for decades. This stuff is dangerous.

It's actually relieving when hope is out of the equation. Incurable spinal disease put a stamp on my life and added one more on top of my another disease. At first I was devastated about it, now I'm somehow starting to feel the weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I've always been very emotionally invested in "near misses". I'm glad I missed a life worth living by 10 000 miles and not just by one mile.

Firstly, I am sorry about your pain.
Nobody deserves to live like this.
And yes, hope is the main thing for me. It's not like I hope things will get better, because I am at a point where I just don't believe that anymore, but it's this tiny little hope inside of me. It's so tiny that I am almost ready to CTB, so I guess it will not matter in the end. For me, at least, the thing that gives me courage to do it is the fact that I want to die. Simple as that. I don't want to be happy or get better, I simply believe this is not a world I should live in. It's a conscious decision, that took me a lot of time to get to. I still have some things to do, such as make sure everyone is going to understand they are not to blame and maybe creating great memories before I go, but I am really close to the corner. And I am happy about it. Guess it's a construction, a process.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just really envy those who manage to ctb in general, they are the fortunate ones as they are finally free from this hellish world, to me there is something admirable about choosing to prevent unnecessary suffering and refusing to delay our inevitable fate. But after all, it's just not straightforward leaving this world and that is the unfortunate thing. It really shouldn't be so difficult to finally free ourselves from everything and I get that it's awful feeling so trapped here. I know that I've certainly existed for far too long at this point, I hate the fact that I'm still here.

 

[asterisk3]

I've been suicidal all my life, I know how it feels. Maybe this year I can finally muster up the courage to get past the nervousness of SI with benzos or just give up on everything altogether and CTB shortly after. I'm still "trying" my hand at recovery but what I'm seeing is: I have no way to compete with people with years and years and decades of positive reinforcement and social approval. I will probably never be good enough, because I never was, so perhaps there is no "change" to be made. Maybe my issues with this world aren't solvable like I'd falsely like to believe sometimes. It's all bullshit. This world, this species, it's terrible. This isn't pleasurable, isn't worth it.

 

[Mickafromloz]

I've made this account almost 2.5 years ago on this forum and yet I'm still there. No success at getting better nor ending my life. I almost hung myself once, but at the last moment I gave up.
Seeing people with accounts made in 2022 succeeding CTB makes me really jealous. I've gathered enough of useful info on this forum and now I'm just venting and complaining here. This is such a cringe...

Same here. Rehearsed partial once and almost passed out. I wasn't expecting this and stopped because. Well. It was a rehearsal. I regret now no to have gone all the way.
I was relying on the fast lose of consciousness not to have to face fear. But since, the meds took of my will to ctb. And back to being miserable with no hope.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I feel this needs to be said, both to OP and anybody else reading this. Still being here does not make you a failure. The people who have left, with the utmost respect, were not in any way more successful or better than you are.

This is not a simple thing. It's not matter of courage, or bravery. The decision and act of taking your own life is incredibly difficult. If it were easy, places like this wouldn't exist for a start, we'd all be gone already.

I think that for someone experiencing such pain, every single day that you make it through is a small victory. Despite how much you're suffering, you've fought through another day. I know the pain remains, but you've managed to endure through it for a few more hours. That takes a strength you might not believe you have anymore.

You aren't ever bound to one path. There is always another choice. If ultimately, you do choose to exit, then I respect that choice completely and I hope it is peaceful and dignified. But it isn't and never will be the only option. I know how it is to feel that 'I have no other choice, I have to do this.' But that is a lie that we tell ourselves. There is always a choice. You still being here is never, and I mean never, a reason to believe you're a failure

 

[asterisk3]

I feel this needs to be said, both to OP and anybody else reading this. Still being here does not make you a failure. The people who have left, with the utmost respect, were not in any way more successful or better than you are.

This is not a simple thing. It's not matter of courage, or bravery. The decision and act of taking your own life is incredibly difficult. If it were easy, places like this wouldn't exist for a start, we'd all be gone already.

I think that for someone experiencing such pain, every single day that you make it through is a small victory. Despite how much you're suffering, you've fought through another day. I know the pain remains, but you've managed to endure through it for a few more hours. That takes a strength you might not believe you have anymore.

You aren't ever bound to one path. There is always another choice. If ultimately, you do choose to exit, then I respect that choice completely and I hope it is peaceful and dignified. But it isn't and never will be the only option. I know how it is to feel that 'I have no other choice, I have to do this.' But that is a lie that we tell ourselves. There is always a choice. You still being here is never, and I mean never, a reason to believe you're a failure

Thank you.

The main problem is all the pain. It's so hard to be productive and "get on" with life when you've failed at everything repeatedly so much. I don't have people I feel ok with nearby and feel like an ugly, laughable monster whenever I'm near others (bullying trauma and bad issues at home). I try to fix it but it really seems like I have no choice, not without help, and I won't get it so. There's a point you gotta give up on all that insurmountable work you're doing and cry, cry, punch the walls and drink the salty salt.

Still, this is not everybody's case. Thank you for this post.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

Thank you.

The main problem is all the pain. It's so hard to be productive and "get on" with life when you've failed at everything repeatedly so much. I don't have people I feel ok with nearby and feel like an ugly, laughable monster whenever I'm near others (bullying trauma and bad issues at home). I try to fix it but it really seems like I have no choice, not without help, and I won't get it so. There's a point you gotta give up on all that insurmountable work you're doing and cry, cry, punch the walls and drink the salty salt.

Still, this is not everybody's case. Thank you for this post.

Believe me when I say this. I absolutely understand how you feel. And I know that every single moment of every single day is a struggle. I know, because I'm right there in that pit with you.

I would never dream of lessening or diminishing the pain that people are going through. I just pointed out that there's always another option. It might not be a preferable one, it might not be what you decide you want to do. But you're never in a position where suicide is your only option.

I told myself that it was once. I remember how that felt. But I was wrong. I think you and I likely have a lot in common, and I genuinely wish you the very best.

 

[MidnightCat]

I feel this needs to be said, both to OP and anybody else reading this. Still being here does not make you a failure. The people who have left, with the utmost respect, were not in any way more successful or better than you are.

This is not a simple thing. It's not matter of courage, or bravery. The decision and act of taking your own life is incredibly difficult. If it were easy, places like this wouldn't exist for a start, we'd all be gone already.

I think that for someone experiencing such pain, every single day that you make it through is a small victory. Despite how much you're suffering, you've fought through another day. I know the pain remains, but you've managed to endure through it for a few more hours. That takes a strength you might not believe you have anymore.

You aren't ever bound to one path. There is always another choice. If ultimately, you do choose to exit, then I respect that choice completely and I hope it is peaceful and dignified. But it isn't and never will be the only option. I know how it is to feel that 'I have no other choice, I have to do this.' But that is a lie that we tell ourselves. There is always a choice. You still being here is never, and I mean never, a reason to believe you're a failure

Been reading you for a while in some posts now.

I've always thought I was the only one who felt that specific way, but I can see a lot of similarities when I read your words.


I hope you don't see it as something bad of that I'm trying to say you're X Y Z.

But, knowing there's someone out there who really understands this helped me a lot. I always thought I was just insane, crazy, sick in a different way most other people with depression or ideas to ctb are.

However, now I know I'm not (that) crazy.

It's not about this post in specific, but wanted to share it with you and say thank you.

 

[hellispink]

We all have different timing. We eventually will leave. Don't measure your life with others ruler

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

Been reading you for a while in some posts now.

I've always thought I was the only one who felt that specific way, but I can see a lot of similarities when I read your words.


I hope you don't see it as something bad of that I'm trying to say you're X Y Z.

But, knowing there's someone out there who really understands this helped me a lot. I always thought I was just insane, crazy, sick in a different way most other people with depression or ideas to ctb are.

However, now I know I'm not (that) crazy.

It's not about this post in specific, but wanted to share it with you and say thank you.

I don't see anything bad at all. Don't worry :).

I'm glad that my posts were able to help you, even if only a little. No two of us feel the same, what we're going through is all uniquely personal, but there are always going to be elements that we have in common, and in that sense we aren't alone.

And though I'm no expert, I don't think you're crazy. I think you're in pain, there's a big difference. I wish you the best my friend

 

[Wannagonow]

Please try to not compare yourself to those who have crossed before you. I understand why you do- I have a tendency to do it as well. We're all different and we're all working on different timelines. Please don't feel ashamed. If and when it's meant to be for you, it will happen.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

I feel like you, I am angry that I am still alive. On the other hand I hate the idea of an race to death. The whole life is an competition, who is the first, the best, the most successful. Even in killing oneself? No, one should not allow this!

 

[NoHorizon]

When contemplating ending his life, the stoic philosopher Seneca once said "Sometimes even to live is an act of courage".

Not having ended your life yet isn't evidence of weakness or cowardice. In the face of all your pain and suffering, you've tried to carry on another day. Don't beat yourself up for that.