Feeling alone

[sadgirl2002]

I just came back from the park. I spent an hour running from shop to shop trying to find monkey nuts to feed the squirrels and birds and I finally was able to buy two packets. I went to the park, I was sweating so much but full of joy because it's been a year now since I last fed the animals in the park back near my house. The animals were afraid of me but I left some of the peanuts under the tree, hopefully the poor animals eat them. The squirrels looked so slim, I can tell they haven't been eating properly. The squirrels in the park near my house looked much chubbier but the ones here were so slim :(

I sat under a tree at 6:30pm and I started writing in my diary. I saw the birds flying together in the sky and they looked so beautiful and free. The sadness and loneliness started to crawl through. I feel empty and sorrow. Nothing seems to spark the light in my eyes anymore. I'm all alone. I have no one. There were two guys sitting on a bench near where I was and part of me wanted them to sit and talk to me since there wasn't anyone else near where I was sitting. How pathetic of me to want them to talk to me lol. I could tell they were smoking weed, I could smell it as I walked past them when I was looking for the animals. I was just there thinking you lucky fucks haha. I guess I just made the other thread looking for people in the uk because I'm so fucking alone and all I can do is be my broken self.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I decided to go to the park again and ugh, do I regret it. There were a group of boys, like 8 of them I think, sitting and standing around a bench. I could feel it... the rapid heartbeat, the loss of breath, looking here and there so it wasn't obvious I was scared. I had to walk past them as I walked back after reaching the top of the path since it was an exit to an area further from where I'm staying. I ended up walking on the grass so I was further away from them, like a fucking coward. I saw a white girl walking towards me as I was walking towards the exit and when I walked back to where they were sitting, I saw that she was talking with them. I guess she knew them and that they were waiting for her. I hated it, feeling afraid. It makes me feel weak and worthless. For a second, I wished I was talking with them all even though a while later I thought why in the hell would I want that? Tears started to fill my eyes as I walked around the park constantly thinking about how loneliness haunts me everywhere I go, I have no one. I plaster all this makeup on my face so other people bear to look at me, heck maybe for me to look at me even though I still feel ugly as shit. Even after I put the makeup on, people still don't want to know me. It's stupid to think people would but in a world where looks are everything, I would have thought otherwise. I'm not good enough for anyone. No one wants to know me or talk to me. No one cares. I'd drop dead and no one would give a shit. I'm just all alone...

 

[Orin]

I feel that deep sense of loneliness from time to time as well. Years ago I went up a hill by myself for a change of scenery and brought some "self help" books to read but the feeling of isolation was too potent. Another instance was when i flew to another country for a job interview. I was alone walking the streets, thousands of miles away from anyone i knew. I didn't get the job, though i was kinda happy i didn't because i had doubts i'd be able to handle that feeling of isolation.