Venting feeling alienated & isolating myself

[OutOfTheVoid]

for a while my girlfriend has been the only close friend i have. i thought i could still confide in her even after i decided i would ctb, but now we just get in arguments all the time. she knows she cant convince me to live, so she criticizes everything else i believe in instead and its been getting increasingly hostile. im tired of it

i was considering isolating myself anyway so that my death wouldnt hurt her as much. she's made that easier for me now. she's condemned my most deeply held beliefs, basically who i am. how can i stay close to her when we're clearly incompatible now?

i dont have any other irl friends really, and i dont want to find new ones bc i'd just cause them grief when i ctb. ive given up on all 'living' people, they wont understand me and i dont want to burden them. i already know everyone just thinks im crazy and ignores me. i feel invisible.

i think other pro-choice suicidal people are the only ones i can have any sort of connection with. im not bothering with pro-lifers or non-suicidal people anymore

 

[LoiteringClouds]

for a while my girlfriend has been the only close friend i have. i thought i could still confide in her even after i decided i would ctb, but now we just get in arguments all the time. she knows she cant convince me to live, so she criticizes everything else i believe in instead and its been getting increasingly hostile. im tired of it

i was considering isolating myself anyway so that my death wouldnt hurt her as much. she's made that easier for me now. she's condemned my most deeply held beliefs, basically who i am. how can i stay close to her when we're clearly incompatible now?

i dont have any other irl friends really, and i dont want to find new ones bc i'd just cause them grief when i ctb. ive given up on all 'living' people, they wont understand me and i dont want to burden them. i already know everyone just thinks im crazy and ignores me. i feel invisible.

i think other pro-choice suicidal people are the only ones i can have any sort of connection with. im not bothering with pro-lifers or non-suicidal people anymore

I'm so sorry to hear that. Isolation is really painful. Can I ask about your most deeply held beliefs, if you are comfortable with it?

 

[stoopid]

Death is the biggest gift anyone can receive

 

[MoonlitNight]

for a while my girlfriend has been the only close friend i have. i thought i could still confide in her even after i decided i would ctb, but now we just get in arguments all the time. she knows she cant convince me to live, so she criticizes everything else i believe in instead and its been getting increasingly hostile. im tired of it

i was considering isolating myself anyway so that my death wouldnt hurt her as much. she's made that easier for me now. she's condemned my most deeply held beliefs, basically who i am. how can i stay close to her when we're clearly incompatible now?

i dont have any other irl friends really, and i dont want to find new ones bc i'd just cause them grief when i ctb. ive given up on all 'living' people, they wont understand me and i dont want to burden them. i already know everyone just thinks im crazy and ignores me. i feel invisible.

i think other pro-choice suicidal people are the only ones i can have any sort of connection with. im not bothering with pro-lifers or non-suicidal people anymore

Going to say it with unfiltered straightforward words. I'd be hella distressed too if i just couldn't convince my partner to live, though i wont be that hostile.

If you do not plan on recovering, then it will be better for the sake of their mental well being as well as yours to stay away from them. So long as you leave a note or a delayed mail to reassure them they would not have been able to do anything.

You're already on this site and the purpose of it is to let you know you're not alone so you can confide here however much you want, unless and until you change your course for recovery then other people may be a good option too.
Hope your find harmony with yourself.

 

[Archness]

Aaand that's why I don't open up. They'll never understand, and will get just angry/disturbed/flee when they can't convert me.

Isolating myself too. Society's just 24/7 cope for being alive and existing. Atomized & alienated from everything.

 

[thevaccumguy]

Isolation is like a tail-devouring snake. We get isolated due to a lack of company, yet this isolation makes is what makes it so so much harder to open up to people .

 

[hellispink]

I have been isolating for a long time i lost count of the days. Only the walls are my friend. But at least i dont have to make anyone understand why is so heavy to stay. Being alone is better.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly believe that it's for the best to be alone as other people often won't even try to understand and they just make things worse with how insensitive they are. When it comes to the subject of suicide, many people refuse to accept that suicide is the better option for that person, and they are in denial of the fact that existence isn't always worth enduring. Being open to other people about wanting to die could never be worth it and such a thing is certainly best avoided.

 

[mistake22]

I definitely feel you.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

I'm so sorry to hear that. Isolation is really painful. Can I ask about your most deeply held beliefs, if you are comfortable with it?

some of my core philosophical and religious beliefs mostly, especially my more nihilist views (for lack of a better term). like the way i understand the divine and my lack of belief in an afterlife, and my pessimistic view toward existence. also just my general negative outlook and despair. i also believe that all concepts and things like 'reality' and 'morality' are not 'real', but just made up human linguistic/social constructs, no more than abstractions and biased value judgements that humans impose onto their experiences of the world.

these are all related to my desire to ctb in some way, which i suspect is the reason for the hostility

Aaand that's why I don't open up. They'll never understand, and will get just angry/disturbed/flee when they can't convert me.

Isolating myself too. Society's just 24/7 cope for being alive and existing. Atomized & alienated from everything.

yeah, im kinda done opening up too now. its clearly backfired and im tired.

that atomization and alienation is actually a major reason for my despair. this society is so fucked up and cruel but no one can do anything about it because we're all too atomized and alienated from each other to collectively organize. theres a fucking genocide of trans people happening and everyone is just watching it happen and escalate. i feel powerless. ive given up on trying to participate in society at all. maybe thats selfish, but at this point i dont see any alternative

 

[gehlertjohansson@gm]

I certainly believe that it's for the best to be alone as other people often won't even try to understand and they just make things worse with how insensitive they are. When it comes to the subject of suicide, many people refuse to accept that suicide is the better option for that person, and they are in denial of the fact that existence isn't always worth enduring. Being open to other people about wanting to die could never be worth it and such a thing is certainly best avoided.

This is so true! I hear all the time from suicidal prevention that you should talk to someone, talk, talk, talk.. but it doesn't do shit. I opened up to my mother a little bit like 10 years ago, she just absolutely refused it and got angry. Never doing that again. You put it perfectly here.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

some of my core philosophical and religious beliefs mostly, especially my more nihilist views (for lack of a better term). like the way i understand the divine and my lack of belief in an afterlife, and my pessimistic view toward existence. also just my general negative outlook and despair. i also believe that all concepts and things like 'reality' and 'morality' are not 'real', but just made up human linguistic/social constructs, no more than abstractions and biased value judgements that humans impose onto their experiences of the world.

these are all related to my desire to ctb in some way, which i suspect is the reason for the hostility

Thanks for sharing. Some people dislike nihilistic worldview and they might think it's wrong, but it's their opinion and I don't think nihilism is inherently wrong. I don't believe in morality, too.

If I were you, I would steer clear of people like her but it's sad that you can't connect with people irl. I sometimes maintain superficial connection with people just to keep my feeling of loneliness at bay.

This forum is really astonishing to me. I think you can relate to many people here...

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I used to be very social with lots of friends- now I try to avoid the outside world as much as possible, and my voices almost disappeared…

 

[Sulyya]

i dont have any other irl friends really, and i dont want to find new ones bc i'd just cause them grief when i ctb.

There's the possibility of maintaining irl relationships but isolating emotionally, basing it just on hobbies or work. Can alter slowly alter our worldview for the better but also can be exhausting and maybe cause anxiety from being secretive. Difficult decision.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

Thanks for sharing. Some people dislike nihilistic worldview and they might think it's wrong, but it's their opinion and I don't think nihilism is inherently wrong. I don't believe in morality, too.

If I were you, I would steer clear of people like her but it's sad that you can't connect with people irl. I sometimes maintain superficial connection with people just to keep my feeling of loneliness at bay.

This forum is really astonishing to me. I think you can relate to many people here...

yeah i have no interest in being with ppl who are that against me and what i believe. im probably gonna keep our connection superficial for the time being. i prefer to associate with like-minded ppl who understand and respect me, and thankfully there are ppl like that here.

There's the possibility of maintaining irl relationships but isolating emotionally, basing it just on hobbies or work. Can alter slowly alter our worldview for the better but also can be exhausting and maybe cause anxiety from being secretive. Difficult decision.

that first part is basically what im doing. the way she treats me has made me emotionally detach completely, not even intentionally i think its a trauma response / defense mechanism. im not altering my worldview tho, thats out of the question. im firm in what i believe in now.