feel like such a failure

[k7654321]

Just feel so fucking stupid right now. I just feel so dumb. I've been going to a bridge every night for the last week and a half and every time I get up there, I convince myself it isn't the right time. And twice I've ended up stopped by the police and I'm freaking out cuz there's only so many times I can use the "I just went for a walk, I feel grounded by the river" bullshit with the mental health nurses before they start to disbelieve me. And I keep seeing people in my room and when I'm out at night, and I'm back at hearing things again and it is hard because I'm with other people and I can't focus on them because I'm hearing fucking police sirens and they hear nothing but I can't let them know I hear something because then they could call the police or my doctor and I'll be called in for an assessment at the hospital all over again. I just make things worse for myself because every day I'm waiting I am in more danger from everyone around me and at this point the only thing I can do to protect myself is ctb and I just can't fucking do it. I feel so guilty thinking about my mum because she doesn't deserve me doing that to her and she's told me again and again that she would never get over it but at the same time she is the person most likely to call the police or put me back in the hospital and I can't let that happen. And I feel so fucking stupid because I've been in this situation so many fucking times and it always ends with hospital and I can't cope with that again. I can't do it. and I know what I need to do but I just can't do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be dreadful being trapped in that situation, I wish it's more straightforward to leave this existence, jumping sounds like such a terrifying method to me. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[k7654321]

I hate that it's so hard, and I'm so scared that if I try something else it won't work