Anarchy
Invisible anarchist
- Jul 9, 2018
- 383
I've been suicidal for around two and half years. Beginning around halfway through year 9 of secondary school. In early year 10, I would think that I'd kill myself during the holidays between secondary and college, for sure. It's the holidays now.
I've felt depressed and suicidal and actually wanting to die for a very long time, but still felt like I needed to go on, to wait until the I'm sure that nothing will ever change, and to experience my life . Well, I'm calm at this present moment. And I'm usually so paranoid and anxious and angry or empty. But I feel calm. I feel like it's way more simple than I'm making it out to be and that it'll be peaceful to watch myself bleed out.
I feel like this is what I'm meant to do. Like, after my life passed a certain point, my potential life became just a dream and suicide became my destiny - the one goal of my life, and that from that point-of-no-return (not any particular point, just when my life became too messed-up to resolve by itself), my sole purpose has been to plan for and accept suicide.
I don't know when I'll do it. I'm hoping within the next few days but I've been hoping that for a long, long time.
Not as hard as I make out, perhaps. Very possible. I can sneak out of the house to go to my place of death when my father has gone to work, but before my mother wakes up. So it'd have to be a weekday, and I'd have a time frame of around an hour. But I'd probably be able to get away with walking through the house without being caught.
I don't have a set time, but I just feel, that if I ever am to kill myself, it will be within the next few days; by the end of this week, max. I've felt too consumed by emptiness and grief recently to even think about killing myself, but I've been thinking about it practically non-stop, every day, for the past few days.
If anyone can relate to this and is willing to, please PM me to talk about methods, preparing, just general stuff, etc. I haven't had a proper conversation in so long.
I've felt depressed and suicidal and actually wanting to die for a very long time, but still felt like I needed to go on, to wait until the I'm sure that nothing will ever change, and to experience my life . Well, I'm calm at this present moment. And I'm usually so paranoid and anxious and angry or empty. But I feel calm. I feel like it's way more simple than I'm making it out to be and that it'll be peaceful to watch myself bleed out.
I feel like this is what I'm meant to do. Like, after my life passed a certain point, my potential life became just a dream and suicide became my destiny - the one goal of my life, and that from that point-of-no-return (not any particular point, just when my life became too messed-up to resolve by itself), my sole purpose has been to plan for and accept suicide.
I don't know when I'll do it. I'm hoping within the next few days but I've been hoping that for a long, long time.
Not as hard as I make out, perhaps. Very possible. I can sneak out of the house to go to my place of death when my father has gone to work, but before my mother wakes up. So it'd have to be a weekday, and I'd have a time frame of around an hour. But I'd probably be able to get away with walking through the house without being caught.
I don't have a set time, but I just feel, that if I ever am to kill myself, it will be within the next few days; by the end of this week, max. I've felt too consumed by emptiness and grief recently to even think about killing myself, but I've been thinking about it practically non-stop, every day, for the past few days.
If anyone can relate to this and is willing to, please PM me to talk about methods, preparing, just general stuff, etc. I haven't had a proper conversation in so long.