Venting feel like i’m acting all of the time

[sannoji]

i think for as long as i've been alive, i've always felt like a liar. it's not like i'm lying for no reason, i learned very quickly that if what i think differs from the norm (as a kid, my parents) then i should keep it to myself, to be safe. but it's strange, i feel like i don't know how to be authentic any more. i'm not sure what caused it, but every time i think of doing something, i only base it on what other people will think. everything from hobbies, to actual crimes. it's like i don't have any sort of internal moral compass. nothing is just "wrong" to me, i don't ever think my actions are truly bad, i'm just able to recognise that other people don't like it. if i have the desire, and i know i can get away with it, i'll just do it without hesitation. it's not really a moral compass. i've found myself thinking "if no one knows about it, then i never did anything wrong." it's not like i've even done anything heinous, even by other people's standards. but it makes me acutely aware of the gap between myself and others. my social standing, my friendships, the things that keep me from just killing myself right here, all depend on the charade that i'm like everyone else. maybe i'm not a good actor. maybe i don't feel like a proper human. i don't know what to think of myself. i don't even feel guilty about any of this. for as long as i've lived, i've only thought about getting caught, and i know other people don't think like that. i really don't get it.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I half relate to this. I'm numb to certain things and sometimes don't see any wrong in things even if society or people around me blatantly brands it as such. I think it's undeniable for me that this is likely the cause of the trauma I've endured and the fucked up violence around me. I call myself a psychopath, although I'm literally split into two perfect halves. And the other one is considered more "human". I lack empathy sometimes and have friends merely because they can help me. Maybe I'm an horrible person, but if it's true then I'll just suck it up and acknowledge it... I don't know which side of me is the true me because one may be the product of trauma while the other could be my weakness trying to justify myself. Who of the two I actually am is my mystery. Neither? Both?

Regardless, I send my wishes to you.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

"All my life like Truman show"

Nothing feels real. Nothing feels like it matters. Not in any real sense.

 

[_Minsk]

Yes im the same way..

 

[MBiopic]

i think for as long as i've been alive, i've always felt like a liar. it's not like i'm lying for no reason, i learned very quickly that if what i think differs from the norm (as a kid, my parents) then i should keep it to myself, to be safe. but it's strange, i feel like i don't know how to be authentic any more. i'm not sure what caused it, but every time i think of doing something, i only base it on what other people will think. everything from hobbies, to actual crimes. it's like i don't have any sort of internal moral compass. nothing is just "wrong" to me, i don't ever think my actions are truly bad, i'm just able to recognise that other people don't like it. if i have the desire, and i know i can get away with it, i'll just do it without hesitation. it's not really a moral compass. i've found myself thinking "if no one knows about it, then i never did anything wrong." it's not like i've even done anything heinous, even by other people's standards. but it makes me acutely aware of the gap between myself and others. my social standing, my friendships, the things that keep me from just killing myself right here, all depend on the charade that i'm like everyone else. maybe i'm not a good actor. maybe i don't feel like a proper human. i don't know what to think of myself. i don't even feel guilty about any of this. for as long as i've lived, i've only thought about getting caught, and i know other people don't think like that. i really don't get it.

I feel you, I really, really do. I can relate a lot to that.

 

[colorlesstsukuru]

I'm the same way. Since I was about 7, I've slowly cultivated a persona that's completely different to who I am. I learned it's better to go along to get along than be authentic.