LonelyKitten
Seeking one final escape
- Aug 13, 2023
- 284
This is something I've noticed as I'm coming closer and closer to wanting to just do it.
I know that overall I want to live (but not like this!), and I have had trouble fully committing to one decision or the other.
But when I think about, and plan to ctb, I feel this happiness, and serenity. This is likely because I do and engage with all the things I enjoy before it.
It's like I become semi-functional, even a little more social than usual in this broken state.
You see, I like the idea of trying to end on a "high note".
Still young (25), still pretty, still somewhat fresh in the minds of my social circles.
Theoretically, on the outside, it may even look like I still have potential! (which, honestly I do think I have if I had kept myself in proper circumstances)
And it is all within my control! No need to fear loss as much, I can die right with all I have loved, being with it until my very final moments.
My fearful, traumatized inner child would 100 % choose this route.
She could finally rest, and be fully, entirely safe in that last moment, for all of eternity.
Then when I turn to considering the alternative, staying alive, I feel fear. Misery, depression.
I do still feel the blind excitement, optimism and hope, that used to propel me to big changes, but it all terrifies me now.
I could easily irreversibly lose the last bits of what keeps me comfort now.
In fact, I could even outright lose the chance to ctb at all, or my entire physical freedom.
It is a *complete* wildcard. Now formerly, I'd (here I as in the adult/adolescent part of me) love those risky situations and would flock to them like a moth to a flame.
But now, it is merely a compromise to my adult self. There is no significant chance of success or safety.
This would come almost entirely at the cost of my safe little departure from this world.
I don't want to put either part of myself through so much more suffering.
At the end of the day, I just feel so tired. I neither managed to sustainably protect the child, nor keep the adult's life running.
All I am doing now is lounging for the scraps of what might still remain in this life.
Coincidentally, I was recently asked what I want to do in the future (this was employment related).
Each time this question comes up in my mind these days, I grow mute.
I used to be really excited about this. I enjoyed working in healthcare in the past and wanted to do more of that before studying/learning something better suited for later life.
But now, the only response that fills the room is silence.
As if there was no future left.
It sure does sound like an illusion at this point.
I know that overall I want to live (but not like this!), and I have had trouble fully committing to one decision or the other.
But when I think about, and plan to ctb, I feel this happiness, and serenity. This is likely because I do and engage with all the things I enjoy before it.
It's like I become semi-functional, even a little more social than usual in this broken state.
You see, I like the idea of trying to end on a "high note".
Still young (25), still pretty, still somewhat fresh in the minds of my social circles.
Theoretically, on the outside, it may even look like I still have potential! (which, honestly I do think I have if I had kept myself in proper circumstances)
And it is all within my control! No need to fear loss as much, I can die right with all I have loved, being with it until my very final moments.
My fearful, traumatized inner child would 100 % choose this route.
She could finally rest, and be fully, entirely safe in that last moment, for all of eternity.
Then when I turn to considering the alternative, staying alive, I feel fear. Misery, depression.
I do still feel the blind excitement, optimism and hope, that used to propel me to big changes, but it all terrifies me now.
I could easily irreversibly lose the last bits of what keeps me comfort now.
In fact, I could even outright lose the chance to ctb at all, or my entire physical freedom.
It is a *complete* wildcard. Now formerly, I'd (here I as in the adult/adolescent part of me) love those risky situations and would flock to them like a moth to a flame.
But now, it is merely a compromise to my adult self. There is no significant chance of success or safety.
This would come almost entirely at the cost of my safe little departure from this world.
I don't want to put either part of myself through so much more suffering.
At the end of the day, I just feel so tired. I neither managed to sustainably protect the child, nor keep the adult's life running.
All I am doing now is lounging for the scraps of what might still remain in this life.
Coincidentally, I was recently asked what I want to do in the future (this was employment related).
Each time this question comes up in my mind these days, I grow mute.
I used to be really excited about this. I enjoyed working in healthcare in the past and wanted to do more of that before studying/learning something better suited for later life.
But now, the only response that fills the room is silence.
As if there was no future left.
It sure does sound like an illusion at this point.
