A
akana
Student
- Mar 21, 2022
- 184
I went from wanting to be nobody else except myself from wanting to be everyone else but myself.
Music literally stimulated my insides and now I can't hear it. I'm going down some route I literally do not want to be going down. My life isn't my life anymore it's literally my worst nightmare is people thinking I was 'just depressed'. My brain's literally given up with people.
I literally feel like a gem that's just been run through the fucking mud. I had so many interests. I wanted to be a music producer, shine out my alter ego (which does not exist anymore lmfao because a bitch is tired and screwed herself), direct music videos, make eps. a year back i was debating buying bape clothes for my future babies. i felt like such a cool fucking human being and i wanted to just get out there. turns out i will not have future babies.
no one ever even took me seriously bc had they then I never would've reached such a point. I really am such a misanthrope now. I feel like ppl just have this idea painted of them in their heads and now im fitting it and its literally making me feel sick. I felt like I knew so much about the world. literally all i've ever wanted to do in life is create, curate, be on my shit. And instead my life's a void lmfao. I genuinely feel like i was one of the coolest people, not to sound egotistical, that just got washed the fuck up for no reason. I had ideas all the fucking time and was smart and I feel like such a fucking dumbass now. My mind doesnt think of the same cool shit. I had so much faith in people and trust for them to sadly fuck it up just for them to tell me i "couldve communicated".
I genuinely am so confused by what's been of this lifetime. Having a small circle seems to have backfired and the only reason I haven't killed myself is literally because I do not want people to think I was "just depressed" and thought there was nothing to life.
I just got sick of people over and over not even being there or caring in the right ways or literally giving a shit properly and doing it by yourself only gets you so far. My brain has shrunk from incredibly intense trauma. My brain is on fucking fire everyday omg, I literally have no stimulation but simultaneously I can't even fucking read anything. I kid you not when I say my dna and face shape's changed bc of how much cortisol is just in my mind. I used to be a feeling, beautiful being w a beautiful mind and I just wanted to do everything and I couldn't decide what to ever do w life cause there's so much! I cannot believe what's gone down. What I've become.I've felt my head physically break and it's fucking insane. I genuinely wanted to be a high achiever and get out there in the world. Live my youth. This ain't youth bro..I gave up on myself before even doing anything, so hard
All I'm annoyed about is that I didnt talk to people enough. bc I was shy. when we had the exact same tastes in shit.
I've lost my entire character. i havent done the shit i wanna do in so long. talked to the people i wanted. let them know how much i fucking love this and that song and regret that i saw that exact song on youtube and its so fucking good. mannn. its those kind of things that i hate myself for not doing. for not mentioning out of being nervous when i couldve sparked big and bright opportunities for myself. not this route. i really hate whatever is going on. i really have lost my ego, aura, drive, anything and everything i had deep inside me. i am so dead inside.
bro songs that literally used to make me wanna puke bc they're so good. feel like the NPC of my own fucking life now and don't even have an inside head voice because I am so incredibly exposed by people n my parents have continued over and over to treat me like a literal 5 year old and it's had the worst impact on me.
I've had for pretty much my whole life OCD even though I never wanted to bring it up bc shit like that I used to be super super private with (and guess it backfired).
I can't meet anybody bc I stink from stress and how was I gonna tell them my fucking life story. That 'life story' built up and up and up and im mindfucked now. i didn't expect things to take such a route. Had I known they would I wouldve moved out so much fucking earlier man.....
I dont want to die but for the love of god I don't want the most basic dumb fucking articles written about me and comments coming from people who never even fucking knew me. I was supposed to fucking win and I got gaslit to oblivion and fell so gullible to my parents. I have to die and look like I was "simply depressed". Its the most fucked up shit in the world. I wish people couldve seen what I fucking faced man. I can't even remember jack shit because I'm mindfucked. Like I keep saying to myself "i was not this person".....i never ever thought or felt these things. I really truly think my life got ended early by my parents and I just have to sit here n fucking deal w it.
I def could've had the world in my hands.
My brains on fire now tho. ive done nothing since oct. my mind is so fucked. I'm the kind of person who was only ever suicidal and wanted to die cause I feel like im in the wrong places and that my potential couldve been exerted so much more, or that im not doing enough. I really wanted to do interviews and so much cool shit but simultaneously i dont want to be this person and taking my life this route was a mistake.
It's so funny that when i'd see suicidewatch i'd actually despise how negative ppl were cause theres so much more to life to see and do and you can literally take it in any direction you want. yet im here hahaha. how the turn tables - I'm v confused. I'm kinda heartbroken for myself fr. for letting myself down kinda. i had SO MUCH more to give to the world, but not like this - i had so many cool mantras and shit i wanted to do. all of which i pretty much did not follow lol. at all. All I've ever wanted to do is push myself in life to see how far the brain can go. this is not what i meant by it.
My advice to you all is that there's a whole world out there. Go experiment. If you don't like something - do it. it could be your muse. Force yourself to do the shit you dont like - music, any fucking kind of hobby. Make a story. The world is literally there. Explore. Explore. Explore it. I have not explored enough in this lifetime and i think it just led me to feeling like this. Pharrell is my fucking muse and I can't believe i really let myself down by literally not doing my curiosity justice. not getting myself out there and becoming a lazy fuck. Everyone knew I was going to die so there's literally no way of making it look mysterious in any way n i've literally not posted on the gram in 2 years hoping that i could make a big ass hiatus when I came back. I really wanted my story to be that I go to uni, finally FINALLY get myself out there and what not and it all fucking fell to a pile of shit. the climax, climax, climax of finally, i get out there. i didnt want coming back home and universal credit to be my story. i felt so guilty for that and that after everything wtf am i worth? I am so misanthropic now and I kinda am so ambivalent about my death. everybody is a fraud to me. i am so upset for myself. i feel like my entire life and heads been taken from me.
I'm not even going out on my own terms really. from oversharing so much abt how im gonna do it lmfao. but the only way i've mentally come to terms with my death is that time will speed up super fast and that someone like me is gonna rebirth in a few generations and make it out there. I really just wanna be reborn and all this useless info that makes me feel dry as hell just go away. my brain is so dry. i dont feel music. when it used to make me wanna fucking orgasm!!!! i loved that shit! hard ass drums, and beautiful chords. I literally used to have so many fucking daydreams and I dont know where the fuck they went? like i'd daydream all the time. and life just felt like mine, i had earloops, everything, ocd was hard but whatever it was gonna be a secret part of my comeup and just was always a quirk i mentioned to ppl. i kid you not when i say my ocd does not exist anymore.
i used to daydream to myself trying to explain each layer of chord, every single part of the music that's going on. all i fucking wanted to do was bring myself out and express myself. going back home was a fucking hellhole. fuck man. same w animation. I really had such attention to detail with things. so much i wanted to explore but home was always so fucking bad and every beautiful idea i had would leave my head because of my dad who is my misophonia trigger. anytime hed do something my ideas would leave. so i never got to express them fully.
so many times at the start of the year i'd said to my parents that i couldnt deal with them. and they couldnt deal w me apparently because i was 'distracting' them w work. when all the time all i ever wanted to do was move out bc obviously it was annoying for them but annoying for me the most bc they didnt share the pain or frustration of me working my life around them.
Fuck man. I never wanted to die. ever since that convo i had with them its made me feel like they took the fucking lead on my life and can just treat me like shit. as if my entire suffering was for nothing.. like the world just feels so silent now and its fucking crazy. back before it used to feel like mine. i never used to want to commit fully until that day. oct 10th. i really feel captured by my own parents lol. i really want freedom and to make a story of my fucking life. its been so long since i listened to samples or made beats, because i literally feel fucking disabled.
the worst part of all this is that I literally never talked to anybody on instagram and the reason for that was because I felt the need to "work hard and get where i wanted to be" before i talked to anybody. but my entire year in 2021 was trying to move out. 2022? dont ask. literally just trying to kill myself everyday, since oct 2021. oh my god like....the irony man. and i end up having not talked to anybody and nobody knowing me. bruh. my reality. holy shit. and not one single person knew me or talked to me because I remember that I was too scared to tell or talk to anybody or explain to people on instagram that why i hadnt made music was because i HAD FUCKING HORRIBLE MISOPHONIA AND THAT ID SCREAM SHUT THE FUCK UP everytime when trying to make beats. how are you supposed to tell someone that? its like how was i ever supposed to make conversation w people? oh yes i make music but ive not made a beat since july 2021. great.
so i look like to ppl like i was never interested in music. and now i really am just fucked. i cant even hear music. anhedonia or whatever the fuck. i strayed and became stagnant on my own life in hopes that something would give, and it did not. i didnt know what that made me.
i wanted was to express myself but not this way by fucking up my life so hard. i don't want any funeral if it aint at least one person i liked playing there. I wasnt even fully in love with my boyfriend. I've never even felt full love before. only the slightest tinge and that was at 17/18, with two people, whom I'd fucked both relationships with and hate myself for that. ive not even got anywhere ever since.
the only thing that's made me come to terms with dying is that when i die, i can't feel perceived because i literally wont be able to feel perception when I'm dead. i wish i was taken a bit more seriously in this life but it really never happened. leaving the earth with literally having given nothing is ass. i really wish i'd just fucking moved out earlier.
i really wanted to feel and live authentically in hopes that something would give back, then i just slowly became misanthropic. I feel so taken advantage of by everybody. there's so much wrong here. how i was never fully appreciated to the max. at all. genuinely wondering if my entire family and bf just had their heads stuck up their ass, truth is i was never even meant to be w my boyfriend at all. Why I stayed w him, I felt guilty or that i had something to prove. that maybe he was the one and god sent me him to change my ways or some dumb shit like that (OCD after all).
It scares me that god literally doesnt even exist. this is it. this is the lifetime we get, i get, after enduring everything, i get handed back jack and fuck myself over, and other people fuck me over and i feel like the leftover. lmao. why. why. why have i fucked myself THIS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! i do not have misophonia even anymore bc i am so desensitised and people think i was faking my entire life lol
If anybody's wondering I am going to die by jumping off an overpass in, yes, mexico (horrible place but my body is so lazy that i didnt even plan the trip lol i thought it was really nice here but its ass) in hopes that i get run over by a car instantly after falling bc i am not risking waking up again at all or brain damaged, even tho i am already so brain damaged. i dont even want to do it like that but it's just the only way i know for sure that i will not be awake again. if anything, if there were guns i'd have done it in the comfort of my own home; asleep w my fave clothes, blankets, some music playing.....to fade out like a song outro.
man, i hate this. i hate that i let it get here. that this is all my life fucking mounted to. i wish i'd taken more risks and just expressed myself, every inch. bought clothes and cool shit and not feel SO guilty. all i'd do w clothes is buy and refund them. literally life was so hard but easy at the same time. idk. im really confused. Ily P. thank u for everything. ur a godsend and i did not take my life in the direction it was meant to go. Music was supposed to be my story; every day at the library at school i'd use logic pro to make beats. i was supposed to be a producer. that was it. i was supposed to be on my steeze. not this direction or whatever the fuck this is man. just not this way. not universal credit and shit lol. i was supposed to express myself, but i didnt know how to and was at such a loss. i actually got scared of doing my own hobby, a lot - not that i wasnt interested in it. going on my macbook pro scared me so much bc of the tics and shit i knew were always about to come when i started. and it felt like a whole world there on my laptop. i always began to eventually associate music with how good everybody else was at it rather than doing it for myself. why was i scared of my own hobby? god, my brain was so complex. i wish i could be reborn again. god doesnt even exist but i wish he walked me thru my mind and stuff. sigh.....logging out world. i think that convo w my parents made me trick myself into thinking my entire suffering was for nothing. oct 10th. i dont even have tics or misophonia anymore. nothing makes sense. my world is so upside down. i do not like this.
i absolutely hate ppl for getting the wrong idea of me, even my parents didnt even know me lol.
if you could be asked to read - congrats and sending love to you wherever and whatever ur doing
Music literally stimulated my insides and now I can't hear it. I'm going down some route I literally do not want to be going down. My life isn't my life anymore it's literally my worst nightmare is people thinking I was 'just depressed'. My brain's literally given up with people.
I literally feel like a gem that's just been run through the fucking mud. I had so many interests. I wanted to be a music producer, shine out my alter ego (which does not exist anymore lmfao because a bitch is tired and screwed herself), direct music videos, make eps. a year back i was debating buying bape clothes for my future babies. i felt like such a cool fucking human being and i wanted to just get out there. turns out i will not have future babies.
no one ever even took me seriously bc had they then I never would've reached such a point. I really am such a misanthrope now. I feel like ppl just have this idea painted of them in their heads and now im fitting it and its literally making me feel sick. I felt like I knew so much about the world. literally all i've ever wanted to do in life is create, curate, be on my shit. And instead my life's a void lmfao. I genuinely feel like i was one of the coolest people, not to sound egotistical, that just got washed the fuck up for no reason. I had ideas all the fucking time and was smart and I feel like such a fucking dumbass now. My mind doesnt think of the same cool shit. I had so much faith in people and trust for them to sadly fuck it up just for them to tell me i "couldve communicated".
I genuinely am so confused by what's been of this lifetime. Having a small circle seems to have backfired and the only reason I haven't killed myself is literally because I do not want people to think I was "just depressed" and thought there was nothing to life.
I just got sick of people over and over not even being there or caring in the right ways or literally giving a shit properly and doing it by yourself only gets you so far. My brain has shrunk from incredibly intense trauma. My brain is on fucking fire everyday omg, I literally have no stimulation but simultaneously I can't even fucking read anything. I kid you not when I say my dna and face shape's changed bc of how much cortisol is just in my mind. I used to be a feeling, beautiful being w a beautiful mind and I just wanted to do everything and I couldn't decide what to ever do w life cause there's so much! I cannot believe what's gone down. What I've become.I've felt my head physically break and it's fucking insane. I genuinely wanted to be a high achiever and get out there in the world. Live my youth. This ain't youth bro..I gave up on myself before even doing anything, so hard
All I'm annoyed about is that I didnt talk to people enough. bc I was shy. when we had the exact same tastes in shit.
I've lost my entire character. i havent done the shit i wanna do in so long. talked to the people i wanted. let them know how much i fucking love this and that song and regret that i saw that exact song on youtube and its so fucking good. mannn. its those kind of things that i hate myself for not doing. for not mentioning out of being nervous when i couldve sparked big and bright opportunities for myself. not this route. i really hate whatever is going on. i really have lost my ego, aura, drive, anything and everything i had deep inside me. i am so dead inside.
bro songs that literally used to make me wanna puke bc they're so good. feel like the NPC of my own fucking life now and don't even have an inside head voice because I am so incredibly exposed by people n my parents have continued over and over to treat me like a literal 5 year old and it's had the worst impact on me.
I've had for pretty much my whole life OCD even though I never wanted to bring it up bc shit like that I used to be super super private with (and guess it backfired).
I can't meet anybody bc I stink from stress and how was I gonna tell them my fucking life story. That 'life story' built up and up and up and im mindfucked now. i didn't expect things to take such a route. Had I known they would I wouldve moved out so much fucking earlier man.....
I dont want to die but for the love of god I don't want the most basic dumb fucking articles written about me and comments coming from people who never even fucking knew me. I was supposed to fucking win and I got gaslit to oblivion and fell so gullible to my parents. I have to die and look like I was "simply depressed". Its the most fucked up shit in the world. I wish people couldve seen what I fucking faced man. I can't even remember jack shit because I'm mindfucked. Like I keep saying to myself "i was not this person".....i never ever thought or felt these things. I really truly think my life got ended early by my parents and I just have to sit here n fucking deal w it.
I def could've had the world in my hands.
My brains on fire now tho. ive done nothing since oct. my mind is so fucked. I'm the kind of person who was only ever suicidal and wanted to die cause I feel like im in the wrong places and that my potential couldve been exerted so much more, or that im not doing enough. I really wanted to do interviews and so much cool shit but simultaneously i dont want to be this person and taking my life this route was a mistake.
It's so funny that when i'd see suicidewatch i'd actually despise how negative ppl were cause theres so much more to life to see and do and you can literally take it in any direction you want. yet im here hahaha. how the turn tables - I'm v confused. I'm kinda heartbroken for myself fr. for letting myself down kinda. i had SO MUCH more to give to the world, but not like this - i had so many cool mantras and shit i wanted to do. all of which i pretty much did not follow lol. at all. All I've ever wanted to do is push myself in life to see how far the brain can go. this is not what i meant by it.
My advice to you all is that there's a whole world out there. Go experiment. If you don't like something - do it. it could be your muse. Force yourself to do the shit you dont like - music, any fucking kind of hobby. Make a story. The world is literally there. Explore. Explore. Explore it. I have not explored enough in this lifetime and i think it just led me to feeling like this. Pharrell is my fucking muse and I can't believe i really let myself down by literally not doing my curiosity justice. not getting myself out there and becoming a lazy fuck. Everyone knew I was going to die so there's literally no way of making it look mysterious in any way n i've literally not posted on the gram in 2 years hoping that i could make a big ass hiatus when I came back. I really wanted my story to be that I go to uni, finally FINALLY get myself out there and what not and it all fucking fell to a pile of shit. the climax, climax, climax of finally, i get out there. i didnt want coming back home and universal credit to be my story. i felt so guilty for that and that after everything wtf am i worth? I am so misanthropic now and I kinda am so ambivalent about my death. everybody is a fraud to me. i am so upset for myself. i feel like my entire life and heads been taken from me.
I'm not even going out on my own terms really. from oversharing so much abt how im gonna do it lmfao. but the only way i've mentally come to terms with my death is that time will speed up super fast and that someone like me is gonna rebirth in a few generations and make it out there. I really just wanna be reborn and all this useless info that makes me feel dry as hell just go away. my brain is so dry. i dont feel music. when it used to make me wanna fucking orgasm!!!! i loved that shit! hard ass drums, and beautiful chords. I literally used to have so many fucking daydreams and I dont know where the fuck they went? like i'd daydream all the time. and life just felt like mine, i had earloops, everything, ocd was hard but whatever it was gonna be a secret part of my comeup and just was always a quirk i mentioned to ppl. i kid you not when i say my ocd does not exist anymore.
i used to daydream to myself trying to explain each layer of chord, every single part of the music that's going on. all i fucking wanted to do was bring myself out and express myself. going back home was a fucking hellhole. fuck man. same w animation. I really had such attention to detail with things. so much i wanted to explore but home was always so fucking bad and every beautiful idea i had would leave my head because of my dad who is my misophonia trigger. anytime hed do something my ideas would leave. so i never got to express them fully.
so many times at the start of the year i'd said to my parents that i couldnt deal with them. and they couldnt deal w me apparently because i was 'distracting' them w work. when all the time all i ever wanted to do was move out bc obviously it was annoying for them but annoying for me the most bc they didnt share the pain or frustration of me working my life around them.
Fuck man. I never wanted to die. ever since that convo i had with them its made me feel like they took the fucking lead on my life and can just treat me like shit. as if my entire suffering was for nothing.. like the world just feels so silent now and its fucking crazy. back before it used to feel like mine. i never used to want to commit fully until that day. oct 10th. i really feel captured by my own parents lol. i really want freedom and to make a story of my fucking life. its been so long since i listened to samples or made beats, because i literally feel fucking disabled.
the worst part of all this is that I literally never talked to anybody on instagram and the reason for that was because I felt the need to "work hard and get where i wanted to be" before i talked to anybody. but my entire year in 2021 was trying to move out. 2022? dont ask. literally just trying to kill myself everyday, since oct 2021. oh my god like....the irony man. and i end up having not talked to anybody and nobody knowing me. bruh. my reality. holy shit. and not one single person knew me or talked to me because I remember that I was too scared to tell or talk to anybody or explain to people on instagram that why i hadnt made music was because i HAD FUCKING HORRIBLE MISOPHONIA AND THAT ID SCREAM SHUT THE FUCK UP everytime when trying to make beats. how are you supposed to tell someone that? its like how was i ever supposed to make conversation w people? oh yes i make music but ive not made a beat since july 2021. great.
so i look like to ppl like i was never interested in music. and now i really am just fucked. i cant even hear music. anhedonia or whatever the fuck. i strayed and became stagnant on my own life in hopes that something would give, and it did not. i didnt know what that made me.
i wanted was to express myself but not this way by fucking up my life so hard. i don't want any funeral if it aint at least one person i liked playing there. I wasnt even fully in love with my boyfriend. I've never even felt full love before. only the slightest tinge and that was at 17/18, with two people, whom I'd fucked both relationships with and hate myself for that. ive not even got anywhere ever since.
the only thing that's made me come to terms with dying is that when i die, i can't feel perceived because i literally wont be able to feel perception when I'm dead. i wish i was taken a bit more seriously in this life but it really never happened. leaving the earth with literally having given nothing is ass. i really wish i'd just fucking moved out earlier.
i really wanted to feel and live authentically in hopes that something would give back, then i just slowly became misanthropic. I feel so taken advantage of by everybody. there's so much wrong here. how i was never fully appreciated to the max. at all. genuinely wondering if my entire family and bf just had their heads stuck up their ass, truth is i was never even meant to be w my boyfriend at all. Why I stayed w him, I felt guilty or that i had something to prove. that maybe he was the one and god sent me him to change my ways or some dumb shit like that (OCD after all).
It scares me that god literally doesnt even exist. this is it. this is the lifetime we get, i get, after enduring everything, i get handed back jack and fuck myself over, and other people fuck me over and i feel like the leftover. lmao. why. why. why have i fucked myself THIS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! i do not have misophonia even anymore bc i am so desensitised and people think i was faking my entire life lol
If anybody's wondering I am going to die by jumping off an overpass in, yes, mexico (horrible place but my body is so lazy that i didnt even plan the trip lol i thought it was really nice here but its ass) in hopes that i get run over by a car instantly after falling bc i am not risking waking up again at all or brain damaged, even tho i am already so brain damaged. i dont even want to do it like that but it's just the only way i know for sure that i will not be awake again. if anything, if there were guns i'd have done it in the comfort of my own home; asleep w my fave clothes, blankets, some music playing.....to fade out like a song outro.
man, i hate this. i hate that i let it get here. that this is all my life fucking mounted to. i wish i'd taken more risks and just expressed myself, every inch. bought clothes and cool shit and not feel SO guilty. all i'd do w clothes is buy and refund them. literally life was so hard but easy at the same time. idk. im really confused. Ily P. thank u for everything. ur a godsend and i did not take my life in the direction it was meant to go. Music was supposed to be my story; every day at the library at school i'd use logic pro to make beats. i was supposed to be a producer. that was it. i was supposed to be on my steeze. not this direction or whatever the fuck this is man. just not this way. not universal credit and shit lol. i was supposed to express myself, but i didnt know how to and was at such a loss. i actually got scared of doing my own hobby, a lot - not that i wasnt interested in it. going on my macbook pro scared me so much bc of the tics and shit i knew were always about to come when i started. and it felt like a whole world there on my laptop. i always began to eventually associate music with how good everybody else was at it rather than doing it for myself. why was i scared of my own hobby? god, my brain was so complex. i wish i could be reborn again. god doesnt even exist but i wish he walked me thru my mind and stuff. sigh.....logging out world. i think that convo w my parents made me trick myself into thinking my entire suffering was for nothing. oct 10th. i dont even have tics or misophonia anymore. nothing makes sense. my world is so upside down. i do not like this.
i absolutely hate ppl for getting the wrong idea of me, even my parents didnt even know me lol.
if you could be asked to read - congrats and sending love to you wherever and whatever ur doing
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