Feel bad for parents & don't know what to do (or not to do)?

[throwaway1234]

Hey everyone. I'm a 29 year old male living at home with my parents and I really just don't know what to do. Here's my story..

I was happy, healthy, normally adjusted guy in his 20s living in boston. I studied accounting in uni and had a great job at an accounting firm after graduating. I worked for a few years and then moved on to a better job with higher pay and more stress. I had friends, went on dates, had a life, etc, things were how they should be.

Unfortunately, I couldn't handle the stress of the new job. Instead of drinking like I did in college to get me through it, I took the advice of friends to get help "the right way." And of course, my entire life just went up in flames when I saw a psychiatrist and started taking Lexapro. What a world, right. Everyday since I took Lexapro all I've wanted do to is good back in time and just punch myself in the face to prevent me from taking those pills. It's not even like my regrets are killing someone, driving drunk, or committing a horrific crime. It's taking a fucking pill.

The third day after I took lexapro I felt sparking running around my brain and every time I tried going to sleep, my body would jolt itself awake. I went to work that day and all I wanted to do was die, which I couldn't attribute to anything but lexapro- I was never suicidal prior to taking it nor was the word even in my vocabulary. I took off work that day to share this wonderful development with my parents who were horrified and committed me to a mental institution to work everything out.

And that was it.

I got the full psychiatric treatment there with a different anti depressant combined with a "mood stabilizer" which I found out was a fancy term for an antipsychotic. I was there for two weeks and by the time I was released, I felt like a complete zombie, lost of my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and personality. Lost was my knowledge of accounting, and this was after passing the entire CPA exam. I couldn't work anymore as my body wouldn't let me sleep and I couldn't go to work as this lobotomized version of myself. My brain started clicking when I moved my head too fast. So I moved back in with my parents to try to figure this out.

This was 3 years ago. I've wanted to die every single day the last 3 years knowing my life will never be what it was before I took those pills. I do data entry once a week from home and my dad is paying my rent, room and board and cell phone bill. There's no way they're happy that their adult son is still living with them at this point. And I don't blame them, they raised me until I went to college, why should they still continue to raise me now?

I just don't know what to do and feel bad for my parents at this point. They prefer I move out but I know I'd kill myself the next day as I wouldn't feel any guilt at that point. I think they know that too so they're not pushing it. Their lives would effectively end if I killed myself but, I also feel like it's my life, if this is what I want, why shouldn't I have that right? Don't all humans act selfishly to get what they want?

I just don't know what the end goal is, should I continue to do nothing but exist, eat, work 1x a week and go to sleep just so my family can avoid a suicide stigma.. they're in their 60s so it's possible I'd have to go another 20 years like this which seems an absurdity. Not that it would matter if I waited until my parents died anyway, my sister would still have to live with it. It's getting where I feel like more of my memory is going each passing day where it will get to the point where I don't know my own name. And I don't want to be too dumb where I wouldn't know how to kill myself. Then my parents would probably pay for a home nurse to take care of me so again, they wouldn't have to worry about the almighty suicide. This all sounds absurd to me.

Part of me wants to do it now and be done with it but they'd get divorced and their lives would be over too. It's "nice" that I have them but I really just want to die already and be done with it. I'm wondering if anyone else shares this guilt.

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your feelings. I appreciate you are keeping your parents and sister in your thoughts.

Drugs/medicines like Lexapro don't have a permanent effect on the mind. So I don't think your prolonged suicidal ideation resulted from few weeks of SSRI and antipsychotic. I'm sure you've have consulted psychiatrists afterwards. Is there a diagnosis? Are you currently on something? What do they have to say on this side effect? Maybe you had this coming and you happen to take Lexapro at the same time.

Yes, humans are inherently selfish but we aren't merely things either. We have feelings and emotions for those with whom we have attached for so long. You are still young and have good education so the future should look promising. When we have mental condition our reasoning capacity and other faculties are diminished. Should we listen to such low-performing brain and act upon the self-destructive desire? Or should we take the pro-choice approach to suicide and go ahead with it because it feels right right now? End of the day, it's your life and your body, so you take full responsibility of your actions.

But what you think about your parents' feelings or how they are going to react to your act of committing suicide may or may not be true given that your current mental health is compromised. It is better to listen to professionals and the trusted ones who have loved us all our life. We do not encourage or aid suicide here. This parental topic has been raised a few times. You may also wanna read those responses. Best wishes.

 

[throwaway1234]

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your feelings. I appreciate you are keeping your parents and sister in your thoughts.

Drugs/medicines like Lexapro don't have a permanent effect on the mind. So I don't think your prolonged suicidal ideation resulted from few weeks of SSRI and antipsychotic. I'm sure you've have consulted psychiatrists afterwards. Is there a diagnosis? Are you currently on something? What do they have to say on this side effect? Maybe you had this coming and you happen to take Lexapro at the same time.

Yes, humans are inherently selfish but we aren't merely things either. We have feelings and emotions for those with whom we have attached for so long. You are still young and have good education so the future should look promising. When we have mental condition our reasoning capacity and other faculties are diminished. Should we listen to such low-performing brain and act upon the negative desire? Or should we take the pro-choice approach to suicide and go ahead with it because it feels right right now? End of the day, it's your life and your body, so you take full responsibility of your actions.

But what you think about your parents' feelings or how they are going to react to your act of committing suicide may or may not be true given that your current mental health is compromised. It is better to listen to professionals and the trusted ones who have loved us all our life. We do not encourage or aid suicide here. This parental topic has been raises a few times. You may also wanna read those responses. Best wishes.

Where's the search feature on this site? I can't find it

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

Where's the search feature on this site? I can't find it

Topmost right corner. Ahh, the intricacies of searching for search. :-)

 

[Final Escape]

Are u off the meds I hope? God some of those meds are so dangerous. From personal experience I've been on many different ones and also tried lexapro but I also had a bad reaction to it and stopped it quickly because I didn't feel right. I'm sorry u had your life destroyed by the corrupt mental health system. I did as well because I happened to have serious mental health stuff stemming from child abuse which they prefer not to touch especially if u are not well off. They would much rather drug u, incarcerate, or let u die in the streets if u have something like borderline personality disorder. As if that is not punishment enough they want to further punish u by making it hard to access the right treatment.

 

[throwaway1234]

Are u off the meds I hope? God some of those meds are so dangerous. From personal experience I've been on many different ones and also tried lexapro but I also had a bad reaction to it and stopped it quickly because I didn't feel right. I'm sorry u had your life destroyed by the corrupt mental health system. I did as well because I happened to have serious mental health stuff stemming from child abuse which they prefer not to touch especially if u are not well off. They would much rather drug u, incarcerate, or let u die in the streets if u have something like borderline personality disorder. As if that is not punishment enough they want to further punish u by making it hard to access the right treatment.

Obviously, I stopped them once I was released but the damage was done at that point. Really it was done after day 3 of lexapro. I tried relaying this to the psychiatrist at the psych ward but he took me for a crazy person. At no period in my life prior to taking those pills did I ever feel like I had a mental illness, I was happy and worked really hard to reach that point in my life. I unequivocally believe that had SSRIs not existed, I wouldn't be on this forum. Now every time I'm on the cusp of sleep, my body twitches and I jolt myself awake.. it's beyond horrifying. I can't function now. This started after lexpro and is still the case now, 3 years later.

Really the only thing I'm thankful for is that this didn't happen to me after having kids. At that point I wouldn't know what to do. As much guilt as I would feel towards my parents if I offed myself, I think it's worse if you're a kid and your parent decides to kill himself.

I'm trying to make the point to my folks that I'm not suicidal because "I'm so depressed, the world is pointless, etc." But rather, I feel lobotomized after getting the full psychiatric treatment and like anyone with dementia wants to die, I do too. This wouldn't matter to them though, they would still feel like failures as parents. I think they already do to be honest, and that's weighing on me too.

 

[Ross]

These meds are totally the cause of most suicides I bet. Proper mind numbing shit especially if you only have mild case of depression to start with can blow u over edge. You say you stopped . Do u self medicate with drugs or alcohol to replace now. Did u suddenly stop or wean self off as think suddenly stopping can cause issues. I'm no medical expert but I'm fairly sure the brain fog will lift at some point if completely off but could take time

 

[Emily123]

I stopped answering my Mom's phone calls . I am trying to do something that she never found out about my death . Of course she will look for me all her life . But it is better if she knows that I am death

 

[Scooter]

Hey everyone. I'm a 29 year old male living at home with my parents and I really just don't know what to do. Here's my story..

I was happy, healthy, normally adjusted guy in his 20s living in boston. I studied accounting in uni and had a great job at an accounting firm after graduating. I worked for a few years and then moved on to a better job with higher pay and more stress. I had friends, went on dates, had a life, etc, things were how they should be.

Unfortunately, I couldn't handle the stress of the new job. Instead of drinking like I did in college to get me through it, I took the advice of friends to get help "the right way." And of course, my entire life just went up in flames when I saw a psychiatrist and started taking Lexapro. What a world, right. Everyday since I took Lexapro all I've wanted do to is good back in time and just punch myself in the face to prevent me from taking those pills. It's not even like my regrets are killing someone, driving drunk, or committing a horrific crime. It's taking a fucking pill.

The third day after I took lexapro I felt sparking running around my brain and every time I tried going to sleep, my body would jolt itself awake. I went to work that day and all I wanted to do was die, which I couldn't attribute to anything but lexapro- I was never suicidal prior to taking it nor was the word even in my vocabulary. I took off work that day to share this wonderful development with my parents who were horrified and committed me to a mental institution to work everything out.

And that was it.

I got the full psychiatric treatment there with a different anti depressant combined with a "mood stabilizer" which I found out was a fancy term for an antipsychotic. I was there for two weeks and by the time I was released, I felt like a complete zombie, lost of my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and personality. Lost was my knowledge of accounting, and this was after passing the entire CPA exam. I couldn't work anymore as my body wouldn't let me sleep and I couldn't go to work as this lobotomized version of myself. My brain started clicking when I moved my head too fast. So I moved back in with my parents to try to figure this out.

This was 3 years ago. I've wanted to die every single day the last 3 years knowing my life will never be what it was before I took those pills. I do data entry once a week from home and my dad is paying my rent, room and board and cell phone bill. There's no way they're happy that their adult son is still living with them at this point. And I don't blame them, they raised me until I went to college, why should they still continue to raise me now?

I just don't know what to do and feel bad for my parents at this point. They prefer I move out but I know I'd kill myself the next day as I wouldn't feel any guilt at that point. I think they know that too so they're not pushing it. Their lives would effectively end if I killed myself but, I also feel like it's my life, if this is what I want, why shouldn't I have that right? Don't all humans act selfishly to get what they want?

I just don't know what the end goal is, should I continue to do nothing but exist, eat, work 1x a week and go to sleep just so my family can avoid a suicide stigma.. they're in their 60s so it's possible I'd have to go another 20 years like this which seems an absurdity. Not that it would matter if I waited until my parents died anyway, my sister would still have to live with it. It's getting where I feel like more of my memory is going each passing day where it will get to the point where I don't know my own name. And I don't want to be too dumb where I wouldn't know how to kill myself. Then my parents would probably pay for a home nurse to take care of me so again, they wouldn't have to worry about the almighty suicide. This all sounds absurd to me.

Part of me wants to do it now and be done with it but they'd get divorced and their lives would be over too. It's "nice" that I have them but I really just want to die already and be done with it. I'm wondering if anyone else shares this guilt.

I appreciate the long and thoughtful post! I'm currently taking lexapro and a mood stabilizer. I was not aware a mood stabilizer was a more friendly name for an anti psychotic. If you have an more insight on the interaction or effects you felt on those drugs I would absolutely love to read it! Anyway Welcome to the website!

 

[dedalus1238900]

Hey everyone. I'm a 29 year old male living at home with my parents and I really just don't know what to do. Here's my story..

I was happy, healthy, normally adjusted guy in his 20s living in boston. I studied accounting in uni and had a great job at an accounting firm after graduating. I worked for a few years and then moved on to a better job with higher pay and more stress. I had friends, went on dates, had a life, etc, things were how they should be.

Unfortunately, I couldn't handle the stress of the new job. Instead of drinking like I did in college to get me through it, I took the advice of friends to get help "the right way." And of course, my entire life just went up in flames when I saw a psychiatrist and started taking Lexapro. What a world, right. Everyday since I took Lexapro all I've wanted do to is good back in time and just punch myself in the face to prevent me from taking those pills. It's not even like my regrets are killing someone, driving drunk, or committing a horrific crime. It's taking a fucking pill.

The third day after I took lexapro I felt sparking running around my brain and every time I tried going to sleep, my body would jolt itself awake. I went to work that day and all I wanted to do was die, which I couldn't attribute to anything but lexapro- I was never suicidal prior to taking it nor was the word even in my vocabulary. I took off work that day to share this wonderful development with my parents who were horrified and committed me to a mental institution to work everything out.

And that was it.

I got the full psychiatric treatment there with a different anti depressant combined with a "mood stabilizer" which I found out was a fancy term for an antipsychotic. I was there for two weeks and by the time I was released, I felt like a complete zombie, lost of my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and personality. Lost was my knowledge of accounting, and this was after passing the entire CPA exam. I couldn't work anymore as my body wouldn't let me sleep and I couldn't go to work as this lobotomized version of myself. My brain started clicking when I moved my head too fast. So I moved back in with my parents to try to figure this out.

This was 3 years ago. I've wanted to die every single day the last 3 years knowing my life will never be what it was before I took those pills. I do data entry once a week from home and my dad is paying my rent, room and board and cell phone bill. There's no way they're happy that their adult son is still living with them at this point. And I don't blame them, they raised me until I went to college, why should they still continue to raise me now?

I just don't know what to do and feel bad for my parents at this point. They prefer I move out but I know I'd kill myself the next day as I wouldn't feel any guilt at that point. I think they know that too so they're not pushing it. Their lives would effectively end if I killed myself but, I also feel like it's my life, if this is what I want, why shouldn't I have that right? Don't all humans act selfishly to get what they want?

I just don't know what the end goal is, should I continue to do nothing but exist, eat, work 1x a week and go to sleep just so my family can avoid a suicide stigma.. they're in their 60s so it's possible I'd have to go another 20 years like this which seems an absurdity. Not that it would matter if I waited until my parents died anyway, my sister would still have to live with it. It's getting where I feel like more of my memory is going each passing day where it will get to the point where I don't know my own name. And I don't want to be too dumb where I wouldn't know how to kill myself. Then my parents would probably pay for a home nurse to take care of me so again, they wouldn't have to worry about the almighty suicide. This all sounds absurd to me.

Part of me wants to do it now and be done with it but they'd get divorced and their lives would be over too. It's "nice" that I have them but I really just want to die already and be done with it. I'm wondering if anyone else shares this guilt.

Your story sounds like my life so much. The worst part is knowing how hard you worked and studied and got a good job then something goes wrong and you still are ok but it gets worse than everything is gone you worked for and I get so depressed and this feeling you wasted all this time for this steady happy life and it's stolen from you and you rationalize it but no one understands friends leave you and you just sit there thinking how long can I continue this. I did everything work hard then you have family members when your good job and relationships vanish say it will get better get a part time job for low pay. You freeze you sacrifice everything for this happy life to have someone tell you go bag groceries.

I didn't get a masters degree in a solid field pass this exam have an enjoyable life for nothing. i didn't work 70 hours a week half the year for this. The thought of doing this after all the work, loss, debt sacrifice. You are killing me. You ask yourself why me. Youn feel life is truly unfair.Peopleyou went to school with have the knowledge and effort that you did you are incapable of being screwed.

 

[R_N]

As a fellow sufferer from psych meds I feel you buddy. I can't sleep as well now and I am scared of becoming a vegetable. I can't believe how can they do this to us. I was naive believing meds can help and that I won't suffer any consequences. Even my vision is ruined and I see double now. I lost my creativity and motivation as well.

I have to ctb there is no way I will live like this.

 

[Final Escape]

Obviously, I stopped them once I was released but the damage was done at that point. Really it was done after day 3 of lexapro. I tried relaying this to the psychiatrist at the psych ward but he took me for a crazy person. At no period in my life prior to taking those pills did I ever feel like I had a mental illness, I was happy and worked really hard to reach that point in my life. I unequivocally believe that had SSRIs not existed, I wouldn't be on this forum. Now every time I'm on the cusp of sleep, my body twitches and I jolt myself awake.. it's beyond horrifying. I can't function now. This started after lexpro and is still the case now, 3 years later.

Really the only thing I'm thankful for is that this didn't happen to me after having kids. At that point I wouldn't know what to do. As much guilt as I would feel towards my parents if I offed myself, I think it's worse if you're a kid and your parent decides to kill himself.

I'm trying to make the point to my folks that I'm not suicidal because "I'm so depressed, the world is pointless, etc." But rather, I feel lobotomized after getting the full psychiatric treatment and like anyone with dementia wants to die, I do too. This wouldn't matter to them though, they would still feel like failures as parents. I think they already do to be honest, and that's weighing on me too.

Only after 3 days of lexapro this happened to u? Omg! Just shows how different these drugs can impact one person to the next. I've watched something about being disabled by psych meds where they develop a condition called akathisia. I wonder if that's what's going on and if there is any treatment for it? I found this I don't know if u know that it's probably this but it says there is things u can do and it might remit on it's own I was reading the article. https://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/what-is-akathisia

 

[Death.]

Hey everyone. I'm a 29 year old male living at home with my parents and I really just don't know what to do. Here's my story..

I was happy, healthy, normally adjusted guy in his 20s living in boston. I studied accounting in uni and had a great job at an accounting firm after graduating. I worked for a few years and then moved on to a better job with higher pay and more stress. I had friends, went on dates, had a life, etc, things were how they should be.

Unfortunately, I couldn't handle the stress of the new job. Instead of drinking like I did in college to get me through it, I took the advice of friends to get help "the right way." And of course, my entire life just went up in flames when I saw a psychiatrist and started taking Lexapro. What a world, right. Everyday since I took Lexapro all I've wanted do to is good back in time and just punch myself in the face to prevent me from taking those pills. It's not even like my regrets are killing someone, driving drunk, or committing a horrific crime. It's taking a fucking pill.

The third day after I took lexapro I felt sparking running around my brain and every time I tried going to sleep, my body would jolt itself awake. I went to work that day and all I wanted to do was die, which I couldn't attribute to anything but lexapro- I was never suicidal prior to taking it nor was the word even in my vocabulary. I took off work that day to share this wonderful development with my parents who were horrified and committed me to a mental institution to work everything out.

And that was it.

I got the full psychiatric treatment there with a different anti depressant combined with a "mood stabilizer" which I found out was a fancy term for an antipsychotic. I was there for two weeks and by the time I was released, I felt like a complete zombie, lost of my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and personality. Lost was my knowledge of accounting, and this was after passing the entire CPA exam. I couldn't work anymore as my body wouldn't let me sleep and I couldn't go to work as this lobotomized version of myself. My brain started clicking when I moved my head too fast. So I moved back in with my parents to try to figure this out.

This was 3 years ago. I've wanted to die every single day the last 3 years knowing my life will never be what it was before I took those pills. I do data entry once a week from home and my dad is paying my rent, room and board and cell phone bill. There's no way they're happy that their adult son is still living with them at this point. And I don't blame them, they raised me until I went to college, why should they still continue to raise me now?

I just don't know what to do and feel bad for my parents at this point. They prefer I move out but I know I'd kill myself the next day as I wouldn't feel any guilt at that point. I think they know that too so they're not pushing it. Their lives would effectively end if I killed myself but, I also feel like it's my life, if this is what I want, why shouldn't I have that right? Don't all humans act selfishly to get what they want?

I just don't know what the end goal is, should I continue to do nothing but exist, eat, work 1x a week and go to sleep just so my family can avoid a suicide stigma.. they're in their 60s so it's possible I'd have to go another 20 years like this which seems an absurdity. Not that it would matter if I waited until my parents died anyway, my sister would still have to live with it. It's getting where I feel like more of my memory is going each passing day where it will get to the point where I don't know my own name. And I don't want to be too dumb where I wouldn't know how to kill myself. Then my parents would probably pay for a home nurse to take care of me so again, they wouldn't have to worry about the almighty suicide. This all sounds absurd to me.

Part of me wants to do it now and be done with it but they'd get divorced and their lives would be over too. It's "nice" that I have them but I really just want to die already and be done with it. I'm wondering if anyone else shares this guilt.

I am deeply sorry that you have suffered this affection. I am in a strikingly similar situation and I empathise with your words on a profound emotional level. I have hope that we eventually find the relief we seek.

What makes matters worse in my case is the fact that my afflictions do not manifest in any visible form of injury, hence many are erroneously made to believe that my suffering is imagined and not real. This eventually leads to exhaustion, disregard and frustration. A person can only explain and attempt to justify their suffering only so many times.

Peace, Brother.

Your story sounds like my life so much. The worst part is knowing how hard you worked and studied and got a good job then something goes wrong and you still are ok but it gets worse than everything is gone you worked for and I get so depressed and this feeling you wasted all this time for this steady happy life and it's stolen from you and you rationalize it but no one understands friends leave you and you just sit there thinking how long can I continue this. I did everything work hard then you have family members when your good job and relationships vanish say it will get better get a part time job for low pay. You freeze you sacrifice everything for this happy life to have someone tell you go bag groceries.

I didn't get a masters degree in a solid field pass this exam have an enjoyable life for nothing. i didn't work 70 hours a week half the year for this. The thought of doing this after all the work, loss, debt sacrifice. You are killing me. You ask yourself why me. Youn feel life is truly unfair.Peopleyou went to school with have the knowledge and effort that you did you are incapable of being screwed.

This is another post that I resonate with. Please feel reassured that you are not alone in this line of thinking and it is completely understandable.

After much deliberation on the matter I have come to the bleak and bitter conclusion that life has no inherent meaning or purpose, other than that which we individually ascribe to it.

It appears that in our case the meaning of our lives are somewhat strongly tied to our professions and the realisation of fulfilment in our chosen careers.

It follows then that if we cannot pursue our dreams (careers and the corresponding autonomy that results) and fulfil our subjective purpose, we should be fully entitled to die as we would be otherwise wasting time living a torturous life with no meaning.

 

[throwaway1234]

I am deeply sorry that you have suffered this affection. I am in a strikingly similar situation and I empathise with your words on a profound emotional level. I have hope that we eventually find the relief we seek.

What makes matters worse in my case is the fact that my afflictions do not manifest in any visible form of injury, hence many are erroneously made to believe that my suffering is imagined and not real. This eventually leads to exhaustion, disregard and frustration. A person can only explain and attempt to justify their suffering only so many times.

Peace, Brother.

This is another post that I resonate with. Please feel reassured that you are not alone in this line of thinking and it is completely understandable.

After much deliberation on the matter I have come to the bleak and bitter conclusion that life has no inherent meaning or purpose, other than that which we individually ascribe to it.

It appears that in our case the meaning of our lives are somewhat strongly tied to our professions and the realisation of fulfilment in our chosen careers.

It follows then that if we cannot pursue our dreams (careers and the corresponding autonomy that results) and fulfil our subjective purpose, we should be fully entitled to die as we would be otherwise wasting time living a torturous life with no meaning.

Right, I went on almost a crusade like mission to convince my parents that psychiatry did this.

Eventually it got to the point where they finally conceded and would respond something like "ok, lexapro was responsible, what would you like to do about it?"

And it wouldn't matter anyway as my response would be I want to die and want their blessing which of course was an unacceptable answer to them. So nothing would change and we'd go back to square one. Soon we stopped having this conversation as it was exhausting for everyone.

I don't feel the same way you do that I found a ton of value or meaning in my work. For me it was just knowing I could be an adult, collect my own paycheck, and didn't need support from anyone else to survive. Plus it's attractive knowing and telling people "you have your shit together." I wouldn't even mind living with parents if I were capable of working, I think I'd even enjoy it. But this currently is its own kind of hell and I don't see it ending unless I kill myself or it gets to a point where I'm a vegetable, both of which are horrific. I really feel like those pills demented me.

 

[LittleJem]

oh my, I am so sorry. I believe you 100 per cent. Eg I have one friend who has burglar alarm tinnitus constantly (which is abject torture) from taking a seemingly innocent SSRI from the doctor. They can have horrible effects.

I also want to CTB - and have been hanging in here to not upset my mum and family - but at the same time, the past two years have been telling them I have no quality of life and feel tortured every day, and don't know how much longer I want to suffer for.

I am trying to prepare them. I am keeping a quality of life rating scale of my happiness each day (erm 10 is happy). It goes HM (morning happiness), HA (afternoon happiness), HE (evening happiness). This week I have been solid at 3 out of 10 most days, with the odd 4 or 5 in the evening, so I've recorded this each day as HM3, HA3, HE4, for example. I also record the volume of my daily suicidal thoughts. This is so I can demonstrate, with a graph, the poor quality of my life and happiness to my family. I have asked them how long they really want me to suffer for.

This year I have lost my marriage, my job, my house - and have moved back in with my dad and his wife, at the age of 42. I have spent a lot of the year bedridden with depression, with constant suicidal thoughts, and constantly researching how to CTB, or hte latest treatments for depression. I am telling everyone, this is not the kind of life I want to live, and I am suffering every day.

I don't know if it helps to tell people this - but I am letting them know that they need to say goodbye to me, in case I| get to the point where I cannot stand it anymore. The idea of CTB gives me relief.

I know it is really really hard to not want to hurt people, and yet be suffering.