Venting Fear Stricken

[thislife77]

I feel suffocated by constant fear. I am in a constant state of fear. There is no escape from it. It only dims down a little when I am on here because I find relief in knowing that there is a way out. However, that relief is only temporary. I cannot commit to a CTB method because they all seem so hard and scary. I also do not have much money or sources available. It is so damn tragic that people get stuck in these horrible situations. I need a CTB method. I do not want to leave this body just yet. I want the comfort in knowing I have a CTB option ready to go if things become irreversibly messed up. I already suffer a great deal of mental turmoil every single moment of every single day. I just need a way out when I am ready. I cannot suffer like this until a "natural death of old age"... F that honestly. I would not want to physically deteriorate slowly and become more and more disabled. That sounds terrifying.

I want to be able to enjoy music, animals, and good food for a little while longer before I go. I used to love traveling, but my fear of crowds and planes is too much. I stay in the house most of the time because I fear so much. It's rough.

A friend would be nice, too.

 

[GreenMarsh]

For what it's worth OP, I'm in a similar situation; I'm very dead-set (pun intended) about my CTB method, wanting to die by a handgun, and sadly, I don't have access to one at the moment, nor the finances to purchase one.

That being said, however, I am living on borrowed time, and things aren't irreversibly fucked quite yet for a few more months, so while I can't figure out how I'm gonna end it, I can, at the very least, try and get whatever little pleasures I can out of life while I wait. Better than doing nothing I suppose. Don't be shy to buy your favorite food whenever you feel like it, go and feed the wild animals if you can, and don't be shy to ask for music recommendations in the off topic threads. Live life with selfish pleasure (without violating anyone's consent, of course.)

 

[thislife77]

For what it's worth OP, I'm in a similar situation; I'm very dead-set (pun intended) about my CTB method, wanting to die by a handgun, and sadly, I don't have access to one at the moment, nor the finances to purchase one.

That being said, however, I am living on borrowed time, and things aren't irreversibly fucked quite yet for a few more months, so while I can't figure out how I'm gonna end it, I can, at the very least, try and get whatever little pleasures I can out of life while I wait. Better than doing nothing I suppose. Don't be shy to buy your favorite food whenever you feel like it, go and feed the wild animals if you can, and don't be shy to ask for music recommendations in the off topic threads. Live life with selfish pleasure (without violating anyone's consent, of course.)

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. It is quite awful and I wish it weren't this way. It's not me simply "having a bad day" as most common people say. It's not a simple "get over your thoughts"... LOL. I literally am tortured by my thoughts, dread, fear and body 24/7. It is so brutal, but I imagine it could get a hell of a lot worse. This is why every human deserves the right to have access to a humane and peaceful CTB method when they are ready. Crazy world we live in.

I agree with you! Take advantages of the small pleasures while we are still here. It doesn't take away suffering, but it may feel, in the moment, that it has diminished somewhat. That is definitely a small moment to cherish. Yeah, I saw the off-topic forum. I am glad they added that.

 

[GreenMarsh]

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. It is quite awful and I wish it weren't this way. It's not me simply "having a bad day" as most common people say. It's not a simple "get over your thoughts"... LOL. I literally am tortured by my thoughts, dread, fear and body 24/7. It is so brutal, but I imagine it could get a hell of a lot worse. This is why every human deserves the right to have access to a humane and peaceful CTB method when they are ready. Crazy world we live in.

I agree with you! Take advantages of the small pleasures while we are still here. It doesn't take away suffering, but it may feel, in the moment, that it has diminished somewhat. That is definitely a small moment to cherish. Yeah, I saw the off-topic forum. I am glad they added that.

Thank you! Glad we're on a similar page; it's perfectly reasonable to acknowledge that there are pleasures in life, however temporary, but that doesn't necessarily make life worth living. I compare it to a restaurant with a few good items on the menu; once you've had everything you want to eat, you should be allowed to get up and leave, however, most people think we should be pinned to the table and be forced to order from the menu, even if we're allergic to everything else it has to offer. So have your cake and eat it too my friend, because it sure as hell tastes good.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yes, having a ctb plan and knowing that you have a means of escape from this cruel world can definitely bring a lot of comfort.
I cannot think of existing without an expiry date at my own hand.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's horrible how people cannot just easily have the option to permanently be free from this existence whenever they wish to, I despise how suicide is purposely made so difficult in this anti-suicide society. Only ceasing to exist comforts me personally, it's dreadful to think of being trapped in this existence for decades longer, the thought of old age also terrifies and disturbs me.

 

[thislife77]

Thank you! Glad we're on a similar page; it's perfectly reasonable to acknowledge that there are pleasures in life, however temporary, but that doesn't necessarily make life worth living. I compare it to a restaurant with a few good items on the menu; once you've had everything you want to eat, you should be allowed to get up and leave, however, most people think we should be pinned to the table and be forced to order from the menu, even if we're allergic to everything else it has to offer. So have your cake and eat it too my friend, because it sure as hell tastes good.

I like that restaurant analogy! That is pretty much exactly how it is for me. If you try to leave, there are bodyguards, police officers, and doctors with Lithium ready to pin you down and make you keep eating undercooked olive soup with no salt. However, the chocolate peanut butter cake does look amazing :p

Yes, having a ctb plan and knowing that you have a means of escape from this cruel world can definitely bring a lot of comfort.
I cannot think of existing without an expiry date at my own hand.

Do you have any recommendations for a relatively cheap, but very reliable CTB option? I would preferably like one that has very little room for failure. It doesn't have to be 100% peaceful.. I can accept some temporary pain.

It's horrible how people cannot just easily have the option to permanently be free from this existence whenever they wish to, I despise how suicide is purposely made so difficult in this anti-suicide society. Only ceasing to exist comforts me personally, it's dreadful to think of being trapped in this existence for decades longer, the thought of old age also terrifies and disturbs me.

I feel you. Being trapped with no way out is an absolutely terrifying experience. I sometimes feel like I am just a consciousness entity witnessing suffering and it is simply the same as being buried alive under a lot of dirt.