Venting Fear of being alive.

[CoolGuy9]

6 months ago I was planning to ctb before my birthday, because it's easier to ctb "in the near future" instead of now. When my birthday came, I was still alive (obviously) and I still had the attitude of suicide is my only option and i'm gonna do it in the near future. Since there is never a moment where I can't do it right now, but in the near future, I may never be actually able to ctb and I may live the rest of my live planning to ctb in the near future. Knowing that i'm destined to live this hell is just so fucking painful and I will probably fail to change my fate.

Atleast I will commit suicide in the near future so there is that.

 

[Wednesdays&Cyanide]

I'm so sorry you're having to live like this, I'm in the same predicament. When I started uni back in October I told myself, I'll ctb by the end of October. I still didn't, so I told myself I'll end things when things get really bad in the near future. Now that time is nearly here because I told myself I would ctb before my third term of uni this year, which begins in a few weeks time.
It sucks having to live like this, I can't bring myself to attempt successfully or make an attempt that is even somewhat dangerous/could be fatal. I keep scaring myself about the potential problems that could occur with the method I've chosen and I can't bring myself to accept the inevitable hurt I'm going to cause others by ctb, even if I won't be around to see those consequences or pain unfold.

 

[CoolGuy9]

I'm so sorry you're having to live like this, I'm in the same predicament. When I started uni back in October I told myself, I'll ctb by the end of October. I still didn't, so I told myself I'll end things when things get really bad in the near future. Now that time is nearly here because I told myself I would ctb before my third term of uni this year, which begins in a few weeks time.
It sucks having to live like this, I can't bring myself to attempt successfully or make an attempt that is even somewhat dangerous/could be fatal. I keep scaring myself about the potential problems that could occur with the method I've chosen and I can't bring myself to accept the inevitable hurt I'm going to cause others by ctb, even if I won't be around to see those consequences or pain unfold.

Do you also use excuses like I just need to plan more or wait to see if things get better, because you are only 1 step away from ctb and it's the only step you don't actually wanna take?

 

[Wednesdays&Cyanide]

Do you also use excuses like I just need to plan more or wait to see if things get better, because you are only 1 step away from ctb and it's the only step you don't actually wanna take?

Kind of I guess. I definitely use the 'I need to plan more' excuse but I don't know whether the latter part of what you've said rings true for me. I don't want to see if things get better, in all honesty I don't feel like it'd make a difference if things got better, I'd still want to end my life. I kind of understand using the excuses because I don't want to take that final step of actually ctb but it's more to do with my fear of the consequences of a failed attempt (both in terms of potential body or brain damage, as well as having to see people around me be hurt by my actions to try and kill myself) rather than because I don't want to ctb.

 

[CoolGuy9]

Kind of I guess. I definitely use the 'I need to plan more' excuse but I don't know whether the latter part of what you've said rings true for me. I don't want to see if things get better, in all honesty I don't feel like it'd make a difference if things got better, I'd still want to end my life. I kind of understand using the excuses because I don't want to take that final step of actually ctb but it's more to do with my fear of the consequences of a failed attempt (both in terms of potential body or brain damage, as well as having to see people around me be hurt by my actions to try and kill myself) rather than because I don't want to ctb.

I see. I don't really wanna die, so that's why I can't take the last step. Sadly it might be the right one for me.

 

[TAW122]

I've been in this predicament before and it sucks. I can't say that I enjoy life (because I don't), but I'm at a place where I'm not active ctb'ing, but passively do think about death and the sweet release it can give when the circumstances and time are right.

 

[Wednesdays&Cyanide]

I see. I don't really wanna die, so that's why I can't take the last step. Sadly it might be the right one for me.

Okay, I see. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this pain, stuck between not wanting to die but suffering alive.

 

[Glim]

I keep procrastinating learning how to get BTC, reserving a P.O box, and getting a prepaid credit card to order anti-emetics while worrying about A's operation being compromised before I manage to order N, or that I will order too late in the future when border security has tightened and I don't receive my package.

 

[Walilamdzi]

I see what you mean. I've never actually had a date in mind, but increasingly I'm finding that I just can't cope. The reality has hit me that I have lost my university place, my relationship which had brought a new joy to my life is over and the effort it would take to get another one scares me, plus I have nothing to do in the meantime and the only jobs available are stressful and not well paid. I feel like I've been completely thrown off course, and I don't want to do the things it would take to be on a good course again. I feel bad when I'm agreeing to things in the future or try to sound positive about them, too, because I don't want to be around in the future. I've been in bad places before but this is the worst yet.

 

[Severnayasemiramida]

Planned to ctb when my amount of money would be over. It was over a month ago. Now I owe nearly all of the people I know and still waiting for my internet luver. Idk what to do after we meet, have some time together and he leaves me to continue working in another country

 

[Dead beat dad]

6 months ago I was planning to ctb before my birthday, because it's easier to ctb "in the near future" instead of now. When my birthday came, I was still alive (obviously) and I still had the attitude of suicide is my only option and i'm gonna do it in the near future. Since there is never a moment where I can't do it right now, but in the near future, I may never be actually able to ctb and I may live the rest of my live planning to ctb in the near future. Knowing that i'm destined to live this hell is just so fucking painful and I will probably fail to change my fate.

Atleast I will commit suicide in the near future so there is that.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way brother. If it helps any I reckon you are not the one to feel this way and if it's not the time for then don't beat yourself up over it (for me life does that for me, I've literally automated this process).
I hope you can find some strength and light in your life brother to lead you where you seek.
Also, please don't take this the wrong way, the last line of your post made me laugh out loud. I do like a bit of dark irony.
Peace friend.
DBD

 

[CoolGuy9]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way brother. If it helps any I reckon you are not the one to feel this way and if it's not the time for then don't beat yourself up over it (for me life does that for me, I've literally automated this process).
I hope you can find some strength and light in your life brother to lead you where you seek.
Also, please don't take this the wrong way, the last line of your post made me laugh out loud. I do like a bit of dark irony.
Peace friend.
DBD

I'm happy the last line made you laugh. I felt a bit of pride after I wrote it.