pinkbluebutch
Member
- Dec 5, 2022
- 48
I haven't been on here in a minute since entering into a relationship, even though I've felt incredibly suicidal during parts of that time. I've been going to therapy and started taking some medication, funnily enough my psychiatrist told me that I wasn't clinically depressed, rather I had ADHD and he treated my ADHD and anxiety, no meds for depression, despite me informing him and my therapist of my suicidal ideation. I'll admit that the ADHD medication I was prescribed definitely gave me the focus and motivation I needed to materially improve some of the circumstances that were causing me to feel suicidal (grades, memory problems, etc.), but I had to stop taking it due to outside circumstances (avoiding giving too many details to ago us identification, since it seems like this site is gaining more mainstream attention) and since I've stopped it feels like the ideation has come back ten times stronger. If you're thinking about seeking medication I'd definitely recommend it but only in conjunction with tolerably regular therapy appointments, since it really helped me to have an anchor to check in with.
Anyways, the main inspiration for me coming back here was that video criticizing the site, ironically. I understand many of the points but think in the end it will be a counterproductive one, since at least speaking for myself the way I stumbled onto this sight was in a googling frenzy attempting to learn more about suicide, and finding all of those articles about it which poorly concealed the identity of the site.
I've had massive troubles with my friendships lately, and I have to wonder how much of it has to do with trust issues and a fear of being abandoned, and then ghosting them before they get a chance to hurt me. For instance, I was recently hurt by the accusations and lack of communication from what I thought was a close friend (my feelings may also be influenced by a perception of being left behind for another, newer, better, friend he's made who he constantly compares with me and talks about). I really don't know whether it's worth recovering the friendship, it's totally possible all of this was unintentional on his part and he still views us as close friends, but i have such a hard time making rash judgements and decisions based off of them with zero communication, and then holding grudges forever. Plus, i posted a few months ago about attempting to minimize my number of friendships in order to make it easier to CTB when the time came, and wouldn't this be helping me to accomplish my goal?
To continue the venting nature of this post, I am incredibly concerned that when not an undesired presence as in the former case, I am most definitely a poisonous one. I feel I've been ruining my partner's life as of late. For context, their family doesn't really help them at all with financial needs while mine supports me decently (I've had to take out a loan, and most of my financial support comes from scholarships but they still help pay for groceries for me); they work three jobs, at least 35 hours a week on top of 18 credit hours as a student, and have maintained a 4.0 GPA throughout college thus far on top of being a dual degree student (haha is this turning into me gushing about them? Oops). Basically they're incredible, and also have massive financial anxiety and also struggle with difficult to treat depression without the resources for therapy that I have. They have never made me feel unloved or unwanted, but I know that I've caused them problems that they wouldn't have had without me here, for instance when we were sharing a bed one night I may have rolled into their laptop in my sleep and messed up the screen leading to a lot of extra stress during finals week and a few hundred extra dollars to repair it. Then just a week ago, I left a full brita pitcher of water out on their desk that their cat tipped over onto their laptop, breaking it once more. I feel awful about it and want to pay to replace it but they really dislike letting me pay for things, even though it's entirely my fault. This is just a few examples, but I really feel like I'm ruining all of the preparations they do to prepare for their future and be successful, and that I'm holding them back.
Anyways, we'll see how frequently I'm back here now.
Anyways, the main inspiration for me coming back here was that video criticizing the site, ironically. I understand many of the points but think in the end it will be a counterproductive one, since at least speaking for myself the way I stumbled onto this sight was in a googling frenzy attempting to learn more about suicide, and finding all of those articles about it which poorly concealed the identity of the site.
I've had massive troubles with my friendships lately, and I have to wonder how much of it has to do with trust issues and a fear of being abandoned, and then ghosting them before they get a chance to hurt me. For instance, I was recently hurt by the accusations and lack of communication from what I thought was a close friend (my feelings may also be influenced by a perception of being left behind for another, newer, better, friend he's made who he constantly compares with me and talks about). I really don't know whether it's worth recovering the friendship, it's totally possible all of this was unintentional on his part and he still views us as close friends, but i have such a hard time making rash judgements and decisions based off of them with zero communication, and then holding grudges forever. Plus, i posted a few months ago about attempting to minimize my number of friendships in order to make it easier to CTB when the time came, and wouldn't this be helping me to accomplish my goal?
To continue the venting nature of this post, I am incredibly concerned that when not an undesired presence as in the former case, I am most definitely a poisonous one. I feel I've been ruining my partner's life as of late. For context, their family doesn't really help them at all with financial needs while mine supports me decently (I've had to take out a loan, and most of my financial support comes from scholarships but they still help pay for groceries for me); they work three jobs, at least 35 hours a week on top of 18 credit hours as a student, and have maintained a 4.0 GPA throughout college thus far on top of being a dual degree student (haha is this turning into me gushing about them? Oops). Basically they're incredible, and also have massive financial anxiety and also struggle with difficult to treat depression without the resources for therapy that I have. They have never made me feel unloved or unwanted, but I know that I've caused them problems that they wouldn't have had without me here, for instance when we were sharing a bed one night I may have rolled into their laptop in my sleep and messed up the screen leading to a lot of extra stress during finals week and a few hundred extra dollars to repair it. Then just a week ago, I left a full brita pitcher of water out on their desk that their cat tipped over onto their laptop, breaking it once more. I feel awful about it and want to pay to replace it but they really dislike letting me pay for things, even though it's entirely my fault. This is just a few examples, but I really feel like I'm ruining all of the preparations they do to prepare for their future and be successful, and that I'm holding them back.
Anyways, we'll see how frequently I'm back here now.
