Venting Farewell to Sanctioned Suicide...

[Ob La Dee]

I have decided to make this my last post on this website. It's time for me to mosey along. I have learned a lot from this site, but after a great deal of soul-searching (and running into a few bad apples - wow! Just wow...) I have decided to move on from here.

I have also arrived at the conclusion that no one can really help me pull out of my suicidal ideation. No one. Not my kids, not my doctor, not my therapist, not my friends, not a 24 hour suicide hotline. That last one is the most useless of them all. "Would you like me to guide you through some breathing exercises?" Yeah, I'm standing on a chair with a noose around my neck and you want to offer breathing exercises as a solution? Give me a break...

Realizing that no one can really help me puts me in a dreadfully lonely place. Everytime I toss my psych meds into my mouth I find myself wondering why I bother. Just waking up to the sun pouring through my window each morning scorches my soul. Really? Another sunny day?

The only comfort I get is knowing that at some point I will close my eyes and sleep for 8 hours. Then the next day comes and it's the same shit all over again. The only comfort I get is knowing that sooner or later my life will end and this misery will be over, whether or not it's by my own hands.

So why am I not going to stick around? I have had members reach out to me privately for all kinds of reasons, some were in response to my posts, others were just curious. Being in this in-between state means no one really understands me. And while there is a recovery forum here, I don't think there is really enough understanding and support for those of us who truly want to recover but just can't figure out how.

What are you supposed to do when you realize that in spite of the fact that you want help, no one can truly help you? My psychiatrist is useless and so is my therapist. My kids have backed away from me due to my previous unsuccessful suicide attempts. Friends no longer know what to say. A stint in a psych ward is a waste of time - my time and theirs.

So I'm one of those people who falls between the cracks. I don't want to go on living, but if I'm honest with myself, deep down inside, I really don't want to die. Joining another support group is pointless, but lingering around here also feels pointless. Truth be told, it makes me more depressed than I already am. What did I really expect? It's basically Facebook for Suicidal People.

So thanks to all of you who read my posts and offered an array of responses. I tip my hat to you. Now I will ride off into the sunset and see where I end up.

Cheers...

 

[Amumu]

I'm sorry life has brought you to this extremity.

Hugs and love

 

[RedEther]

I cant agree on the FB compassion as everyone is more like helpful strangers than friends.
But Im unsure of what you where expecting to find here. An answer? a reason?
Im unsure why you feel, the way you do, if its situational or chemical, but I dont think any kind of forum will give you that kind of information.I hope you find what you are looking for and that it brings you peace

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I don't think there is really enough understanding and support for those of us who truly want to recover but just can't figure out how.

So much of what you wrote resonates with me. You're absolutely right that, for some of us, no one can "help" us. Certainly not the professionals. And you're right, too, that many (?) of us may not want to die, but no one can help us figure out how to be content enough with the lives we have. Maybe many of us can't be content with the lives we have. Like you said, we end us just lingering. God forbid you not have enough MONEY to linger...

Wish I could offer something comforting. But in a similar boat myself. Peace.

 

[jollyvortex]

What does CTB mean? Thank you

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Godspeed.

What does CTB mean? Thank you

Catch the bus.

 

[logan]

I can well understand your thoughts.

Even if you may not find a solution for yourself, it helps to learn something about the concerns and fates of other people.
And if you can help one or the other with your experiences and thoughts, that's a good thing.

 

[Ob La Dee]

What does CTB mean? Thank you

Catch the bus

 

[rosie93]

I have decided to make this my last post on this website. It's time for me to mosey along. I have learned a lot from this site, but after a great deal of soul-searching (and running into a few bad apples - wow! Just wow...) I have decided to move on from here.

I have also arrived at the conclusion that no one can really help me pull out of my suicidal ideation. No one. Not my kids, not my doctor, not my therapist, not my friends, not a 24 hour suicide hotline. That last one is the most useless of them all. "Would you like me to guide you through some breathing exercises?" Yeah, I'm standing on a chair with a noose around my neck and you want to offer breathing exercises as a solution? Give me a break...

Realizing that no one can really help me puts me in a dreadfully lonely place. Everytime I toss my psych meds into my mouth I find myself wondering why I bother. Just waking up to the sun pouring through my window each morning scorches my soul. Really? Another sunny day?

The only comfort I get is knowing that at some point I will close my eyes and sleep for 8 hours. Then the next day comes and it's the same shit all over again. The only comfort I get is knowing that sooner or later my life will end and this misery will be over, whether or not it's by my own hands.

So why am I not going to stick around? I have had members reach out to me privately for all kinds of reasons, some were in response to my posts, others were just curious. Being in this in-between state means no one really understands me. And while there is a recovery forum here, I don't think there is really enough understanding and support for those of us who truly want to recover but just can't figure out how.

What are you supposed to do when you realize that in spite of the fact that you want help, no one can truly help you? My psychiatrist is useless and so is my therapist. My kids have backed away from me due to my previous unsuccessful suicide attempts. Friends no longer know what to say. A stint in a psych ward is a waste of time - my time and theirs.

So I'm one of those people who falls between the cracks. I don't want to go on living, but if I'm honest with myself, deep down inside, I really don't want to die. Joining another support group is pointless, but lingering around here also feels pointless. Truth be told, it makes me more depressed than I already am. What did I really expect? It's basically Facebook for Suicidal People.

So thanks to all of you who read my posts and offered an array of responses. I tip my hat to you. Now I will ride off into the sunset and see where I end up.

Cheers...

My point exactly. Good to know I'm not alone. Idk what to do now.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. I understand it is hard to carry on when everything is hopeless. Sleep is all I look forward too as well. I wish you the best.