fantasizing about pref method / anhedonia

[owarikigan]

ever since finding out a firearm is close in possession it's all i've been able to think about. my friends know it was a mistake for me to find out too, because i've already been so suicidal for years and admitted to attempting numerous ways and times but either failing, having lack of knowledge or most of all pussying out, and i'm sure it's better known for how quick, "easy" and in some places accessible it is so i feel bad, like i'm always scaring them. but that's the best way to deal with everything at this point; no one knows how to help me anymore. i don't want to just be a person people associate with being miserable and a burden on them so i pretend to be normal a lot more than usual.
i've also discovered that i'm dealing with pretty severe anhedonia lately. i feel in a mental stuck for this entire year. i can't bring myself to enjoy let alone participate in my only favorite hobbies, drawing or gaming, which used to come so naturally to me. even when i do, the reward system isn't there. i feel nothing towards things i was once passionate about, just completely asking what the point is and why it even matters in my head while overexaggerating my mannerisms because i can still acknowledge that others don't suffer the same that i do. it's becoming harder to both deal with everything and distract from things so i just spend my days doomscrolling and feeling a sickening envy towards those who have what i want and ending up dreading people in general because of that.