willitpass
Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
- Mar 10, 2020
- 2,628
All I can think about anymore is CTB is a couple of weeks. I've worn my thoughts thin thinking about it over and over again all day every day. I can only play over the act itself so many times before I'm thinking the same thing in circles, so my mind has drifted to the after. I know it doesn't matter. I'll be dead. But my mind is looking for anything to think about related to my CTB.
I hope the hotel worker doesnt see much at all before calling first responders. I should have a large trash bag over my head so long as I dont pull it off while unconscious, so that will spare them the sight of my face. My body will be under blankets. I can only imagine how disturbing it would be to see someone laying in bed with a bag over their head, but at least they won't have the memory of my dead face engrained into them.
I hate that it will have to be treated like a crime scene. Everything collected as evidence. Photos taken of my body. An autopsy performed. I understand why they can't, but I wish they could take obvious suicides at face value and just give all of my belongings to my family and allow me to go straight to the crematorium. An investigation will only cause my family more pain.
I've been listening to music about death. Not about suicide, but about
death and loss. Looking through baby pictures of myself and wondering what the exact point was that I lost my innocence. It wasn't long at all. 5 or 6 at the latest.
I hope the hotel worker doesnt see much at all before calling first responders. I should have a large trash bag over my head so long as I dont pull it off while unconscious, so that will spare them the sight of my face. My body will be under blankets. I can only imagine how disturbing it would be to see someone laying in bed with a bag over their head, but at least they won't have the memory of my dead face engrained into them.
I hate that it will have to be treated like a crime scene. Everything collected as evidence. Photos taken of my body. An autopsy performed. I understand why they can't, but I wish they could take obvious suicides at face value and just give all of my belongings to my family and allow me to go straight to the crematorium. An investigation will only cause my family more pain.
I've been listening to music about death. Not about suicide, but about
death and loss. Looking through baby pictures of myself and wondering what the exact point was that I lost my innocence. It wasn't long at all. 5 or 6 at the latest.