bearbrikk
Listen to the voice in your head
- May 2, 2024
- 119
Family.. I never had it, never understood it.
Like I said, I never really had any family growing up. The family that I did have were abusing me.
So, I have been in therapy for about 6 years now. And I always hated the feeling of affection and love. It literally made me sick to my stomach, not to mention very uncomfortable.
Regardless of my hatred towards love and affection I always craved the ´big family´ dream. I grew up on the TV show ´ḿodern Family´ so that was my perfect example of how it should be/could be.
So when I got with my partner, I got a second chance at getting the family I always wanted. Especially since I have no dad, it destroyed me seeing their dad with them. Fast forward till now
every second of every day I tried my best to make them like me, for me to belong, and be a part of their family. That meant setting myself aside.
I quickly realized that they had their own issues as a family. Of course I have no idea what a ´normal´ healthy family looks like. To sum it up, they smile in your face and just complain about you behind your back. They talk about nothing. No feeling, nothing real. Avoiding and selfishness runs in the family. I don't blame them, that's how they were raised. So like I said I so desperately wanted to belong, so I gave all of myself, everything. Nothing was left. I was the only one busting my ass to resolve fights, pick up wherever it was needed, and be there when someone needed me. I kept feeling the pain and disappointment because they would choose each other at the end of the day because I'm not real family. I get that. That does not mean it doesn't hurt. I need to let go and accept it. I need to truly choose myself. But it's hard because of my scars and my losses. I need to find a balance between all or nothing and find a balance.
Like I said, I never really had any family growing up. The family that I did have were abusing me.
So, I have been in therapy for about 6 years now. And I always hated the feeling of affection and love. It literally made me sick to my stomach, not to mention very uncomfortable.
Regardless of my hatred towards love and affection I always craved the ´big family´ dream. I grew up on the TV show ´ḿodern Family´ so that was my perfect example of how it should be/could be.
So when I got with my partner, I got a second chance at getting the family I always wanted. Especially since I have no dad, it destroyed me seeing their dad with them. Fast forward till now
every second of every day I tried my best to make them like me, for me to belong, and be a part of their family. That meant setting myself aside.
I quickly realized that they had their own issues as a family. Of course I have no idea what a ´normal´ healthy family looks like. To sum it up, they smile in your face and just complain about you behind your back. They talk about nothing. No feeling, nothing real. Avoiding and selfishness runs in the family. I don't blame them, that's how they were raised. So like I said I so desperately wanted to belong, so I gave all of myself, everything. Nothing was left. I was the only one busting my ass to resolve fights, pick up wherever it was needed, and be there when someone needed me. I kept feeling the pain and disappointment because they would choose each other at the end of the day because I'm not real family. I get that. That does not mean it doesn't hurt. I need to let go and accept it. I need to truly choose myself. But it's hard because of my scars and my losses. I need to find a balance between all or nothing and find a balance.
