G
Gabbi_Station
Member
- Jul 30, 2024
- 32
My brother-in-law started joking that Salt-N-Pepa's song "None of your Business" was a "me" kind of song when it popped up on his playlist…this isn't the first time he or my sister have implied that they thought I was a "slut". It's literally been ten years of this. My dad has also implied it when I used to go out with friends when I was living with him in my twenties.
My sister just sat there when I asked him JUST what that meant when I got upset (he tried to deflect that it was just about the year the song came out/the music I grew up with…keep in mind I was born in 1992…the song was released in 1993
). No defending me. No telling him to stop. No support.
My sister of course gaslit me when I complained about it to her later, like she always does, that I was just "too sensitive". I had just helped her out too just a couple weeks ago at her business when her employees called out because of COVID.
I don't really have sex because my father was physically and emotionally abusive, and as a result I just always feel frightened of men; they've often joked in the past about me being a lesbian or asexual too- I just can't ever win, no matter what I do.
I texted her two days ago that I felt sad about being unmarried/feeling like I was wasting my life working with kids; so I don't think it's a coincidence he made that comment….
I just…sat in my room crying today and thinking about how much they have ruined everything in my life. Sex. A proper Education (I was constantly pulled out of school to take care of my mentally ill mother). Socialization growing up (I was heavily isolated because my mom was afraid my dad would be reported for abuse). Food. Clothing. Unconditional love. Everything. How they constantly just make me feel terrible for even wanting normal things like intimacy or food…or wanting to be "myself", instead of what they want me to be.
How they always somehow manage to make me feel just so utterly disgusted with myself…and how it all led to me having problems with self harm, eating disorders, and suicide.
I would move out…but I am in so much debt after graduate school and can't afford housing. I hate being back in my hometown but there's no real options to move out of state. The last apartment I had didn't go well.
I just don't think I can take another year of this; I think I am going to CBT.
I really tried to start a "new" life with grad school…but in some ways, I think I just managed to put myself in bigger debit and I still have no "real" career, no matter how many times I apply to jobs in my field instead of being trapped in childcare.
I used to think about CBTing in the woods or somewhere where they wouldn't find the body…but now I am not sure that I care. Maybe it's cruel, but I want my family to know just how far they pushed me over the years. I don't care if they're traumatized when they find my body.
My sister just sat there when I asked him JUST what that meant when I got upset (he tried to deflect that it was just about the year the song came out/the music I grew up with…keep in mind I was born in 1992…the song was released in 1993
![Face with rolling eyes :rolling_eyes: 🙄](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f644.png)
My sister of course gaslit me when I complained about it to her later, like she always does, that I was just "too sensitive". I had just helped her out too just a couple weeks ago at her business when her employees called out because of COVID.
I don't really have sex because my father was physically and emotionally abusive, and as a result I just always feel frightened of men; they've often joked in the past about me being a lesbian or asexual too- I just can't ever win, no matter what I do.
I texted her two days ago that I felt sad about being unmarried/feeling like I was wasting my life working with kids; so I don't think it's a coincidence he made that comment….
I just…sat in my room crying today and thinking about how much they have ruined everything in my life. Sex. A proper Education (I was constantly pulled out of school to take care of my mentally ill mother). Socialization growing up (I was heavily isolated because my mom was afraid my dad would be reported for abuse). Food. Clothing. Unconditional love. Everything. How they constantly just make me feel terrible for even wanting normal things like intimacy or food…or wanting to be "myself", instead of what they want me to be.
How they always somehow manage to make me feel just so utterly disgusted with myself…and how it all led to me having problems with self harm, eating disorders, and suicide.
I would move out…but I am in so much debt after graduate school and can't afford housing. I hate being back in my hometown but there's no real options to move out of state. The last apartment I had didn't go well.
I just don't think I can take another year of this; I think I am going to CBT.
I really tried to start a "new" life with grad school…but in some ways, I think I just managed to put myself in bigger debit and I still have no "real" career, no matter how many times I apply to jobs in my field instead of being trapped in childcare.
I used to think about CBTing in the woods or somewhere where they wouldn't find the body…but now I am not sure that I care. Maybe it's cruel, but I want my family to know just how far they pushed me over the years. I don't care if they're traumatized when they find my body.