Family pressuring me to get married but I am gay and closeted

[Parnate]

I am closeted gay male, 30 from India. I have avpd, anxiety , depression . I have slightly recovered. My family knows about my mental issues . They are pressuring me to get married to a girl they found via relatives, we have arranged marriages here in India . I have told them I can't get married cause of mental issues , I told them that I want to stay unmarried, but they are pressuring me so much. I can't come out cause I am very uncomfortable about my orientation.
Please help me, please suggest ideas how to avoid this.

 

[juna]

I am so sorry you are in that position. You have no choice but only one, stand up for what you believe in, say No, it is not their life. You will be alone and judged, but if you can go through that dark period of your life, you will be free at-least from that issue forever.

 

[-Link-]

I'm sorry you feel this uncomfortableness with your sexuality.

Personally, I'm bisexual, and I had an awful time struggling to bring myself around to opening up about it with my family. One of the reasons for this was because I too was uncomfortable with myself. To this day, I haven't fully shaken that uneasiness about it. I eventually did tell my family, but it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. And this was the situation without the added pressures that you're alluding to here, so I know you must be dealing with something awful in your struggle with this.

For yourself, as long as the whole truth isn't an option, I would just stick to the story you're telling them and be unwavering about it. "I'm too unwell to handle a relationship or marriage right now." This is a perfectly reasonable explanation, especially with AvPD being a central issue as AvPD can be an extreme disruptor in forming and maintaining relationships of any kind.

Or as @juna said, you could just flat-out tell them "no" and leave it at that. But if you're concerned about any conflicts resulting from that approach, then I would just keep to the story you're telling them.

 

[AuroraB]

JUST SAY NO. Can you take a job overseas?

 

[EmptyEater]

Silly idea: Marry a lesbian that is in a similar situation, you both date whoever you wish while keeping up appearances with your respective families.

 

[J&L383]

I am closeted gay male, 30 from India. I have avpd, anxiety , depression . I have slightly recovered. My family knows about my mental issues . They are pressuring me to get married to a girl they found via relatives, we have arranged marriages here in India . I have told them I can't get married cause of mental issues , I told them that I want to stay unmarried, but they are pressuring me so much. I can't come out cause I am very uncomfortable about my orientation.
Please help me, please suggest ideas how to avoid this.

I am sorry you're in that position. In other countries it would be so much different for you. I really have no idea what it's like in India, but I think ultimately you're going to have to be true to yourself, somehow. I do wish you the best.

 

[voir2]

If you do not depend on your family, then you could tell them about your homosexuality and see what happens. That could be hurtfull but it could be great also. You know them and you should act for the best.
Why are you so unconfortable about your orientation ?
I hope it gets better.

 

[Parnate]

JUST SAY NO. Can you take a job overseas?

I can actually. But I haven't fully yet recovered, just in case i want to ctb, it would be very difficult overseas also adjusting in a new country will bring in its own set of challenges.

If you do not depend on your family, then you could tell them about your homosexuality and see what happens. That could be hurtfull but it could be great also. You know them and you should act for the best.
Why are you so unconfortable about your orientation ?
I hope it gets better.

Internalized homophobia, I know it is not , but it feels wrong.

 

[AuroraB]

Silly idea: Marry a lesbian that is in a similar situation, you both date whoever you wish while keeping up appearances with your respective families.

Agree with this although it would be hard for a families to arrange that marriage as is the custom in India. Great idea though. Kids will be expected....

 

[Goosechan]

Agree with this although it would be hard for a families to arrange that marriage as is the custom in India. Great idea though. Kids will be expected....

There must be an understanding doctor somewhere willing to write a note about "fertility problems" if they don't want kids. If they do there's nothing wrong with having a live-in coparent that you do not have a romantic/sexual relationship with.
If OPs parents are so desperate for him to get married they might wanna accept a proposed bride from OP himself.

 

[EmptyEater]

Bribe a doc to provide an infertility diagnosis after "trying as hard as possible" to have kids after the wedding.

 

[5nicotine]

I'm so sorry about your situation. The following is just a bunch of prodding to help you think about the situation with us. Sorry for it really much. Don't feel pressured to answer everything.

Are you able to distance yourself in any way from your family? Do you live with them? Are you sure you won't be able to take their pressure to marry for any longer? You can't argue with them that arranged marriage is not something you agree with? I'm sure it's very hard though trying to get through to people with deep seated beliefs.

How is gayness seen where you're living? Are there any orgs that you could turn to who would better understand the situation than us on this forum and help you? Any support groups for closeted men?

It's okay if you don't like being gay and feel that it's wrong. It's still possible to live a celibate life without a relationship. Many men throughout history have done it. It's also possible that at some point in the future you'll be able to open up to yourself about your feelings and take steps towards relationships. That has also happened to many men throughout history. You don't need to worry about it now, but know that you're not the only one who this has happened to. Have you tried or are you able to read any stories from maybe gay men who came out later in life?

I'm so sorry about your situation and I'm really sorry for posting this.