Venting family member found my note

[Deleted member 14386]

I'm devastated, like numb. I have no privacy, they may well be watching my account. I don't know what to do.
I effed up, it should have been encrypted on a usb stick, family visited and immediately found it. I'm being faced with how horrible it would be for them to live without me and truly weighing up the options, I live a terrible quality of life for 50+ish years, or eff them up now and forever.
They found the date, method, everything.
I'm so fucked, I'm nearly laughing hysterically it's all so fucked.
I wake up every day to wanting to do it, then can't. Why? I feel bad and there will be no going back
I felt comfort at first when I found out how to ctb, now I can't even do that and I'm just...stuck...in shit life
sorry for the rant

 

[randomz]

Maybe that's a good thing. This way they will know your true feelings and they will do something to help you live a better life. They will understand you better and will allow you to show them what you need from them. Don't be ashamed or scared.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

I don't know, I can't think.
But nothing has changed, it's not like they did anything to help, in fact just criticisms of what I wrote, the date, the stupidity of doing it coz it'll hurt them. It's how they're hurting, no shits given to how I feel. (I think, I dunno, like I said I can't think. My memories of the moment are messed up)
But fuck if I saw something like that I'd stop and not read it, maybe I'd try and help out on the dl but it was brought right out into the open. I have less trust and care than before. I feel stuck.
I'm not expecting replies I just need to rant with (hopefully) privacy
edit: tbh it might make it easier, my next note will be like 'Hey I'm out, you know why'

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Did they ask to use your computer and start snooping while they were on it? Or did they just start going through your stuff without asking? Is it their way to go through your things without permission?

 

[shadowrealms]

Mine used to do the same until I moved out. Theyd come in my room like it was the living room, no knocking no anything, check my stuff, my phone , my messagges (which i had none of lol), calls (again none, but still), go through my belongings.

Legit no respect or privacy at all. It was disgusting.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

they asked, I was stupid. It is very very common for all my mail and belongings to be searched due to past ctb attempts anyway though, it was bound to be found sooner or later. The only reason it was unencrypted was coz I was editing it when they arrived, I moved it and deleted it but they still got it. I'm stupid enough to not use an actual shredder so it was easy to un-delete it.
edit: asked for access to my computer, like to check email/watch netflix etc etc, not to run a whole forensic sweep on the thing lol

Mine used to do the same until I moved out. Theyd come in my room like it was the living room, no knocking no anything, check my stuff, my phone , my messagges (which i had none of lol), calls (again none, but still), go through my belongings.

Legit no respect or privacy at all. It was disgusting.

effing sucks man

 

[randomz]

I don't know, I can't think.
But nothing has changed, it's not like they did anything to help, in fact just criticisms of what I wrote, the date, the stupidity of doing it coz it'll hurt them. It's how they're hurting, no shits given to how I feel. (I think, I dunno, like I said I can't think. My memories of the moment are messed up)
But fuck if I saw something like that I'd stop and not read it, maybe I'd try and help out on the dl but it was brought right out into the open. I have less trust and care than before. I feel stuck.
I'm not expecting replies I just need to rant with (hopefully) privacy
edit: tbh it might make it easier, my next note will be like 'Hey I'm out, you know why'

I think they reacted this way because they were shocked by the note. I suppose I would be if I found a pre-suicide note of a family member. Don't judge them yet. The fact that they checked your stuff means they care about you and want the best for you.

 

[Jumper Geo]

It could have been worse I know a couple of people who ctb with notes designed to make there family suffer with guilt, I'm not judging I don't know what they went through, I did to a certain point but at least your note was kind and like others had said they check because they care about you. If they never checked that would be another thread, lol.

Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

It could have been worse I know a couple of people who ctb with notes designed to make there family suffer with guilt, I'm not judging I don't know what they went through, I did to a certain point but at least your note was kind and like others had said they check because they care about you. If they never checked that would be another thread, lol.

Good luck.

Good point! I had revised it like 5 times to get rid of the blame stuff and just the why and how, that they couldn't have stopped it etc. Luckily the other drafts were encrypted then shredded, it was only the most recent one that was seen. It could've been a lot worse. I tend to write a lot then cut a lot of the emotional stuff off lol.
Thanks

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't agree with others that they do this because they love you. It's akin to the family of an alcoholic or an addict trying to get them to stop drinking or using. It's co-dependence, which is controlling behavior. An alcoholic is going to drink until they want to make the effort to stop. An addict is going to use until they want to make the effort to stop. A person who is suicidal is going to attempt until they decide they want to make the effort to live, and not only that, but be able to find the resources to support that decision, so please don't take it that I'm comparing suicidality to addiction, the focus is on co-dependent, controlling, non-accepting behaviors.

Co-dependence is not about the person one is trying to control, but about the one who is making the attempts to control, that is, trying to get the other person to stop doing something so that they'll feel better, and so that they'll feel in control of a person and a situation that are NOT in their control. A healthier relationship would allow negotiation of boundaries and complexity of emotions and issues.

 

[Niemals]

Sorry to hear this, they shouldn't be acting like they're the victims while you're going through this. I guess that's just how people are. My mother hung herself years ago and that was her choice and I accepted it, I hope you find some peace.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

I don't agree with others that they do this because they love you. It's akin to the family of an alcoholic or an addict trying to get them to stop drinking or using. It's co-dependence, which is controlling behavior. An alcoholic is going to drink until they want to make the effort to stop. An addict is going to use until they want to make the effort to stop. A person who is suicidal is going to attempt until they decide they want to make the effort to live, and not only that, but be able to find the resources to support that decision, so please don't take it that I'm comparing suicidality to addiction, the focus is on co-dependent, controlling, non-accepting behaviors.

Co-dependence is not about the person one is trying to control, but about the one who is making the attempts to control, that is, trying to get the other person to stop doing something so that they'll feel better, and so that they'll feel in control of a person and a situation that are NOT in their control. A healthier relationship would allow negotiation of boundaries and complexity of emotions and issues.

I actually agree with this a lot more than that they care for me, I'd like to believe the latter but I just don't get that vibe. After like 8+ years of the same pattern of behavior people just get tired of whatever I'm doing and go on with their own lives, which is not only fine but expected.

What isn't expected is that they come back later and try to dictate my next moves in life, then constrict my privacy and freedom to that of a prison inmate. It's confusing and I get a massive hunch that it's not to help me but for them to not feel bad anymore.
It's funny because I am also a former addict and current alcoholic, so I really get what you mean regarding controlling behaviors.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your ordeal. While your situation isn't the same as mine, I had something similar a few weeks ago, my father learning of my CTB ideation (indirectly of course). I felt trapped and powerless for a while and been uneasy since then. I don't know what to say other than I wish you peace and my suggestion would be to wait until everything blows over or cools down before taking action.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

I've honestly no idea what to do. I go to my family and they say live but provide no help. I come here everyone is nice, says do whatever you want and provide lots of help. Then I get a whole family intervention for coming here and not asking them. Aggh I'm so conflicted. I chose to ctb, now all eyes are on the fucking exact date. Just waiting. Or I'm paranoid. Both?
I dunno. I'm gonna take your advice and chill, play games and pretend it was a phase
edit: dammit can't even do that the note was pretty lengthy.
I need a smoke lol