Venting Family don't care about me

[spinningship]

My one friend is gone and is leaving the country. I'm not even convinced I wasn't a burden to him when I was with him because of my autism. Trigger warning if you're autistic don't read this unless you want to be suicidal: https://www.theneurotypical.com/articles/survey results.docx, reading stuff like that is my self harm really. I just feel i'm destined to be an inferior being who can't connect with anyone and just stupidly repeats stuff about their special interest like some sort of weird rain man. My mum is autistic as well and basically told me when I tried to open up about depression that if I don't like my situation I should just get out of her house, rather than showing me any support.

I attempted suicide a year ago and my mum basically just blamed me for getting bullied saying it's just banter and then told me how upset she was that she hadn't been able to socialize for 1 month and called me selfish. It just made me feel completely unheard and unloved. And I know I would be the exact same if I had kids because i'm no different I have the same sort of brain. It's like everything she does to me I know reflects on me as well.

So the choice I have is basically live life completely alone or maybe find a partner who can put up with me. I would never ever have kids, I think we need a society wide look at trauma and people need to take having kids a lot more seriously. I wouldn't be in this mess if my parents had made the right call. If i'm going to live life alone completely and unable to connect with anyone in a true way beyond fleeting care what the fuck is the point in me existing. I may as well just be an island.

Atm the only reason I hold on is my younger siblings, I want to do my best to be a good brother to them in whatever way I can. And my mum has a year long course that I want her to be able to complete so she can get a job, and I don't want to overload her with too much stress.

 

[EternalPain]

I am sorry you have to feel this way. Autism as well as other disabilities can be a really horrible burden to carry. It doesn't have to be, there are people who understand, it's just rare. You're not inferior, but I can understand what made you feel that way. It's society that isn't built for you, in a world where autism was normal, you might even have the advantage, but sadly that isn't the case. Still, it's really great of you to think about your mom and siblings despite the situation you're in. I hope you find a way to deal with your suicidal thoughts or even manage to find enough reason to keep going for longer. If I may ask, what's your special interest?

 

[spinningship]

I am sorry you have to feel this way. Autism as well as other disabilities can be a really horrible burden to carry. It doesn't have to be, there are people who understand, it's just rare. You're not inferior, but I can understand what made you feel that way. It's society that isn't built for you, in a world where autism was normal, you might even have the advantage, but sadly that isn't the case. Still, it's really great of you to think about your mom and siblings despite the situation you're in. I hope you find a way to deal with your suicidal thoughts or even manage to find enough reason to keep going for longer. If I may ask, what's your special interest?

Thank you. I know you're right it's just hard sometimes not to think people are right when there's so much ableism that goes unchecked. Usually, when i'm like this I console myself by saying that I just need to find a couple people i click with but today it's just hard. My two main special interests at the moment are psychology especially cptsd and trauma related stuff, and also machine learning, which kinda links because i'm interested in what we can learn about machine learning by studying neurodiversity and if we can model socialization and empathy and stuff in neural networks.

 

[EternalPain]

Thank you. I know you're right it's just hard sometimes not to think people are right when there's so much ableism that goes unchecked. Usually, when i'm like this I console myself by saying that I just need to find a couple people i click with but today it's just hard. My two main special interests at the moment are psychology especially cptsd and trauma related stuff, and also machine learning, which kinda links because i'm interested in what we can learn about machine learning by studying neurodiversity and if we can model socialization and empathy and stuff in neural networks.

I can totally understand that, people can be horrible when they have no idea what you're going through. Psychology is very complex and I don't know much about it, but I too find machine learning very interesting. It's nice that you have interests which can also help you understand yourself. And I also find the link between machines and neurodiverse people fascinating (Sorry if that sounds strange, I dont mean to call neurodiverse people machines), I believe we can learn a lot by studying that. I mean, considering there are savants, which are capable of completing tasks the way you'd think a machine would, and I feel like with the help of AI, maybe more people can understand. I hope that sounds right, I also don't find it so easy to put my thoughts into text sometimes. Thanks for telling me about it though, you seem like an interesting person (meant as a compliment)!

 

[spinningship]

I can totally understand that, people can be horrible when they have no idea what you're going through. Psychology is very complex and I don't know much about it, but I too find machine learning very interesting. It's nice that you have interests which can also help you understand yourself. And I also find the link between machines and neurodiverse people fascinating (Sorry if that sounds strange, I dont mean to call neurodiverse people machines), I believe we can learn a lot by studying that. I mean, considering there are savants, which are capable of completing tasks the way you'd think a machine would, and I feel like with the help of AI, maybe more people can understand. I hope that sounds right, I also don't find it so easy to put my thoughts into text sometimes. Thanks for telling me about it though, you seem like an interesting person (meant as a compliment)!

Thank you. No worries, I understand what you're trying to say, savants are a really interesting type of person yeah. In some sense, they represent the extreme of one aspect of autism, namely specialized talent. I often wonder if in some sense neurotypical people are social savants, and autism is really a name for this redirection of talent to smth else. It's often a way I justify living as well that you know at least my life is gonna be pretty unique it has that going for it.

 

[FireFox]

My one friend is gone and is leaving the country. I'm not even convinced I wasn't a burden to him when I was with him because of my autism. Trigger warning if you're autistic don't read this unless you want to be suicidal: https://www.theneurotypical.com/articles/survey results.docx, reading stuff like that is my self harm really. I just feel i'm destined to be an inferior being who can't connect with anyone and just stupidly repeats stuff about their special interest like some sort of weird rain man. My mum is autistic as well and basically told me when I tried to open up about depression that if I don't like my situation I should just get out of her house, rather than showing me any support.

I attempted suicide a year ago and my mum basically just blamed me for getting bullied saying it's just banter and then told me how upset she was that she hadn't been able to socialize for 1 month and called me selfish. It just made me feel completely unheard and unloved. And I know I would be the exact same if I had kids because i'm no different I have the same sort of brain. It's like everything she does to me I know reflects on me as well.

So the choice I have is basically live life completely alone or maybe find a partner who can put up with me. I would never ever have kids, I think we need a society wide look at trauma and people need to take having kids a lot more seriously. I wouldn't be in this mess if my parents had made the right call. If i'm going to live life alone completely and unable to connect with anyone in a true way beyond fleeting care what the fuck is the point in me existing. I may as well just be an island.

Atm the only reason I hold on is my younger siblings, I want to do my best to be a good brother to them in whatever way I can. And my mum has a year long course that I want her to be able to complete so she can get a job, and I don't want to overload her with too much stress.

@spinningship Your mum is just cruel bullying is not OK. Austism is difficult to live with and is a very misunderstood condition in society. Remember a lot of autistic people have gone to invent amazing things and contributed so much to humanity and our world. Amoungst the most brilliant minds in human history are actually autistic people
https://www.appliedbehavioranalysis...most-inspiring-people-on-the-autism-spectrum/

It is not fair how we can't choose the families we are born into. Life is so cruel. I have large family tree of relatives none of them care about me nor my household but in my mums and grandmothers eyes the relatives can do no wrong. My relatives are biggest arseholes ever I have grown to hate them. I know how you feel right having family members that just don't care.

Virtual hug