Snackpack29
Meh
- Oct 3, 2018
- 6
So it's been a while since I've posted/lurked on here as my levels of depression and suicidal thoughts slowly decreased during the past 6 months. This small respite from dark thoughts got me away from here and for a bit I had a sincere desire to live. But, well, that obviously didn't last as long as I had hoped and here I am at another all time low.
Anyways, I have for a while decided that I want to use Carbon Monoxide as my method of choice due to it being relatively low cost and not too difficult to execute. However, here is the issue I run into when I am about to acquire all the necessary items.
I've done my research, made a mental list of the things I'll need to execute my plans, written my suicide note, etc. and I look at my car keys so I can set the plan in motion but I stop and hesitate. All momentum I once had comes to a halt and I think about my parents, sister, cousins, and the rest of my family and how they'll react when they find out what I've done.
I have a good relationship with pretty much everyone in my family. I love them. And they love me but I am miserable. All the time. For nearly the past ten years I've had depression but it has steadily gotten worse and worse to the point that I'm here planning my own death at 27 years old. I think to myself: Okay, no stop. I can do this. It WILL suck for all of them to know I've taken my own life; it will hurt them but I need to do this. I won't be a worthless burden to them.
I grab the keys, look at them, and I think about my dad particularly, who has been one of the most supportive/accepting people in my life. And I think about what I'm about to do and how much pain I'm going to cause him. Then I put the keys back down as my heart sinks down into my chest. My family is the number one thing I hold close to my heart and is pretty much 95% the reason that's holding me back at this point.
TL;DR How can one successfully push forward with a suicide attempt all the way through AND keep thoughts of guilt out of sight and out of mind so the deed can even be attempted? (Apologies for post length)
Anyways, I have for a while decided that I want to use Carbon Monoxide as my method of choice due to it being relatively low cost and not too difficult to execute. However, here is the issue I run into when I am about to acquire all the necessary items.
I've done my research, made a mental list of the things I'll need to execute my plans, written my suicide note, etc. and I look at my car keys so I can set the plan in motion but I stop and hesitate. All momentum I once had comes to a halt and I think about my parents, sister, cousins, and the rest of my family and how they'll react when they find out what I've done.
I have a good relationship with pretty much everyone in my family. I love them. And they love me but I am miserable. All the time. For nearly the past ten years I've had depression but it has steadily gotten worse and worse to the point that I'm here planning my own death at 27 years old. I think to myself: Okay, no stop. I can do this. It WILL suck for all of them to know I've taken my own life; it will hurt them but I need to do this. I won't be a worthless burden to them.
I grab the keys, look at them, and I think about my dad particularly, who has been one of the most supportive/accepting people in my life. And I think about what I'm about to do and how much pain I'm going to cause him. Then I put the keys back down as my heart sinks down into my chest. My family is the number one thing I hold close to my heart and is pretty much 95% the reason that's holding me back at this point.
TL;DR How can one successfully push forward with a suicide attempt all the way through AND keep thoughts of guilt out of sight and out of mind so the deed can even be attempted? (Apologies for post length)