Help Family and Suicide

[Snackpack29]

So it's been a while since I've posted/lurked on here as my levels of depression and suicidal thoughts slowly decreased during the past 6 months. This small respite from dark thoughts got me away from here and for a bit I had a sincere desire to live. But, well, that obviously didn't last as long as I had hoped and here I am at another all time low.

Anyways, I have for a while decided that I want to use Carbon Monoxide as my method of choice due to it being relatively low cost and not too difficult to execute. However, here is the issue I run into when I am about to acquire all the necessary items.

I've done my research, made a mental list of the things I'll need to execute my plans, written my suicide note, etc. and I look at my car keys so I can set the plan in motion but I stop and hesitate. All momentum I once had comes to a halt and I think about my parents, sister, cousins, and the rest of my family and how they'll react when they find out what I've done.

I have a good relationship with pretty much everyone in my family. I love them. And they love me but I am miserable. All the time. For nearly the past ten years I've had depression but it has steadily gotten worse and worse to the point that I'm here planning my own death at 27 years old. I think to myself: Okay, no stop. I can do this. It WILL suck for all of them to know I've taken my own life; it will hurt them but I need to do this. I won't be a worthless burden to them.

I grab the keys, look at them, and I think about my dad particularly, who has been one of the most supportive/accepting people in my life. And I think about what I'm about to do and how much pain I'm going to cause him. Then I put the keys back down as my heart sinks down into my chest. My family is the number one thing I hold close to my heart and is pretty much 95% the reason that's holding me back at this point.

TL;DR How can one successfully push forward with a suicide attempt all the way through AND keep thoughts of guilt out of sight and out of mind so the deed can even be attempted? (Apologies for post length)

 

[elizabeth.luck]

Family is the only thing that keeps me from CTB'ing. Sure, they're hurt me but at the end of the day, they're my family. It's nearly impossible to make the feelings of guilt go away. Only thing I can say is suicide is permanent so make sure you're making the right choice for you.

 

[Snackpack29]

Only thing I can say is suicide is permanent so make sure you're making the right choice for you.

Indeed. I am the type of person to overthink things too much which has proved useful to me in most instances of life but where matters of my own death are concerned; not so much.

I know that there won't be some simple answer like: Take these combination of drugs and presto, feelings of guilt gone. The issue with me is that I care too much about my family and I've never learned how to stop. And that's something I would normally ever even want to consider which is I think this is so difficult

 

[Can'tStandAnymore]

Your family will not be the only family whose son committed suicide. That's it.

I think some of people are wanting to do ctb for ridiculous reasons. Lol, write your not so sad story, use a overly dramatic language, and get 99 likes... If you are like that, you may have to feel some guilty then.

If you are sure that your life is really miserable, You are free and shouldn't feel guilty to your family that much.

 

[Redrock]

With a good farewell letter in which you describe the reasons, you can help them to understand your thoughts.
How to write a suicide note:
https://archive.ashspace.org/ashbusstop.org/Note.html

 

[Snackpack29]

Your family will not be the only family whose son committed suicide. That's it.

Okay? And? I'm well aware that there are/were probably tens of thousands of people in a similar position to mine. Your point?

I think some of people are wanting to do ctb for ridiculous reasons. Lol, write your not so sad story, use a overly dramatic language, and get 99 likes... If you are like that, you may have to feel some guilty then.

Care to explain what you define as ridiculous? Anything in my post as such? Also I made this post with the intention of getting advice; not sympathy. I kind of added a TL;DR if people don't care to hear the context of why I am asking what I'm asking but it's there if people want to know anyways.

If you are sure that your life is really miserable, You are free and shouldn't feel guilty to your family that much.

Yeah if only life was that black and white for everyone buddy. It isn't. Yes, many people have terminal illness that make the physically suffer on a daily basis and would no question want to end their lives, family or no. Yes, many people grow up in shit places with shit people around them with no hope of improvement and would want to end their lives for those two reasons alone.

I'm not any of those people. I have all of that to be thankful for. But it still doesn't change the fact that I want to die. I want to die and I couldn't even tell you why the reason was originally so many years ago because I've been like this for more than a third of my life now. I DO want to die right now because I don't remember what it's been like to feel a fucking moment of 100% carefree joy like I used to before I became this way. And since I have no assurance that those days might return to me any time soon I'm more obliged to just end it now rather than "hope for the future" instead.

But as I stated in my post, every time I think about just putting a belt around my neck, buying CO, supplies, etc. I have this nagging thing called an emotion which presents itself. Normally I'm told that when human beings with feelings, attachments, memories, and values, these concepts kind of rear their heads in when a decision you're about to make that literally determines your fate forever might come up once or twice. But nah that's probably "ridiculous". Right?

With a good farewell letter in which you describe the reasons, you can help them to understand your thoughts.
How to write a suicide note:
https://archive.ashspace.org/ashbusstop.org/Note.html

Thank you for the link. I kind of wrote a really short, formal and basic letter as I don't really know what to write to my family in general.