Discussion False hope that if I CTB I’ll get a second chance

[TorturedSoul999]

I've made mistakes in life before that had me thinking man… I wish i could go back… but nothing like the way I felt about losing my ex. I had a psychotic episode and thought she slept with all these dudes and had a child behind my back based on faulty evidence like text messages about giving birth. She didn't even miss her periods and I don't know what I was thinking I was just in a horrible place mentally and I hate it so much. I hate that I pushed her away so hard. Yeah she did actually cheat on me but she didn't even sleep with the dude. She stopped it before that…. She stuck around hoping I'd recover and I really tried to convince myself she cared about me but I couldn't snap out of it completely and I pushed her away out of a desire to protect her. I reached out 2 months later to apologize and tell her how much I love her and she told me this lifetime wasn't meant for us and that she was dating another guy. He met her parents and I assume they see each other every weekend the same way that I had. He has the life that I threw away due to my psychosis and it eats away at me all day and night. Lately I've been looking into reincarnation and the possibility that one can come back and do the same life over again in order to fix their mistakes… of course you can't remember everything but something inside you would push you in a different direction of doing things. Anyways this hope that I'll be able to relive my childhood and make things right with her from 17-22 is what's pushing me to want to CTB. I also figure… even if that's not what happens that hopefully God will understand how much pain I'm in over the regret that he'll let us reincarnate together and have a second chance… or even that when I die and go to heaven I'll stop feeling regret and pain. I know that I have opportunities to find new people. It just feels like it won't be the same. Part of me will always love them and hate myself for pushing them away. I cry about it and beat myself up every morning. The SN and the anti-emetics are coming soon. Once I have my hands on them I'm not quite sure if I'll use them right away. I know deep down that if I CTB there's a chance that none of my false hopes come true. I don't believe God will send me to hell. I think I'll be embraced and told that it's okay. That I'm home now. But I understand that killing myself while my mom, dad, and other family are still around will be devastating. I just graduated college and I'm starting to work full time. From their perspective I'll have taken my life when I have my whole life ahead of me. But the pain of losing myself and my soulmate is too much to bear. I just want to see them again… perhaps they will forgive me and come back later in life but I doubt it. She wouldn't have left me if I hadn't had this episode. So there's very little reason that she'll leave this new guy.

 

[Darkover]

if there was a god which i highly doubt you'd be so insignificant to him that he wouldn't even think about you regardless of what happens to you. i don't belilve in hell or heaven, what i know is the universe is alive and real and it's free from nothing forever now with all these atoms here do you really think that life is just a one time thing knowing we are free from nothing forever i think life will happen again although it won't be the same life relived it be a complelty new one rebirth so to speak at any place within the universe falling all that then you are just nothing forever

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be dreadful dealing with so much regret, I personally very strongly believe we just cease existing after we leave this world, once we lose consciousness that is it for us we are gone, I don't believe in any other theories, the only hell I see as existing is this hellish world. But anyway best wishes.