Venting faked being sociable so hard i dont even know who i am anymore

[cyclicism]

as a kid i was a "social butterfly"

around highschool i became horribly socially awkward and anxious.

my mother would lament on how I changed.

i hated being socially awkward. i've since fought against it. i like talking to people. it's fun.

when im talking to a person everything is fine. im occupied. im focused. but once it's over. it's over. i crash, i don't desire to do anything. i have the time to Overthink and Analyse. it sucks

i feel like everyone hates me. and whatever i do doesnt help. no matter how much 'it doesnt matter anyways' and 'im thinking irrationally' mantras i repeat to myself, it doesnt stop.

my go to response is always to Hate Them Back. whatever. it's worked for me until now, that must mean it's a fine response, right?

think that someone has a problem with you? have you considered viscerally hating them in retaliation?

it doesnt matter that people tell you otherwise. they're lying when they say that. they fucking hate your guts.

have you considered that not every positive thing people say is a lie?

have you considered that people lie to make others feel better in the moment?

have you considered killing yourself in front of me right now?

see the problem is i'm starting to hate where i live, who i work for, what im doing, who i am. all in retaliation because i dont even know who i am anymore, really. and i dont know what to do.

all i want from life is to feel content.

not happy, really. it means something different to me. i want to be content with what i do. just a mellow appreciation for what i have and do.

this is all too hard, too much. i wish i felt the crushing need to kill myself again. instead of this inactive want. i just want it all to Stop. but i don't have the drive i used to


i wish i had killed myself back then

i wish i could just interact with people, live my life, be me without constantly overhinking

i wish i wasnt so good at "handling" my feelings

i wish i wasnt so good at hiding it all

fuck, dude. all of this for what? i don't even know

 

[Hollowman]

I lost myself too.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

as a kid i was a "social butterfly"

around highschool i became horribly socially awkward and anxious.

my mother would lament on how I changed.

i hated being socially awkward. i've since fought against it. i like talking to people. it's fun.

when im talking to a person everything is fine. im occupied. im focused. but once it's over. it's over. i crash, i don't desire to do anything. i have the time to Overthink and Analyse. it sucks

i feel like everyone hates me. and whatever i do doesnt help. no matter how much 'it doesnt matter anyways' and 'im thinking irrationally' mantras i repeat to myself, it doesnt stop.

my go to response is always to Hate Them Back. whatever. it's worked for me until now, that must mean it's a fine response, right?

think that someone has a problem with you? have you considered viscerally hating them in retaliation?

it doesnt matter that people tell you otherwise. they're lying when they say that. they fucking hate your guts.

have you considered that not every positive thing people say is a lie?

have you considered that people lie to make others feel better in the moment?

have you considered killing yourself in front of me right now?

see the problem is i'm starting to hate where i live, who i work for, what im doing, who i am. all in retaliation because i dont even know who i am anymore, really. and i dont know what to do.

all i want from life is to feel content.

not happy, really. it means something different to me. i want to be content with what i do. just a mellow appreciation for what i have and do.

this is all too hard, too much. i wish i felt the crushing need to kill myself again. instead of this inactive want. i just want it all to Stop. but i don't have the drive i used to


i wish i had killed myself back then

i wish i could just interact with people, live my life, be me without constantly overhinking

i wish i wasnt so good at "handling" my feelings

i wish i wasnt so good at hiding it all

fuck, dude. all of this for what? i don't even know

As someone that deals with the same thing, I promise people don't dislike you as much as you think they do. Unless you're generally a really shitty person, or you're giving them a reason to hate you. The chances are they just feel indifferent towards you. Filling your heart with so much hatred will only worsen your mental state and make you suffer more. Even if someone does hate you, whether they have a valid reason to or not. Just tell yourself that their hatred/dislike is irrelevant and they don't matter. And move on with your day. They don't deserve your time and energy. I know it's not easy, and it's a pretty tough mindset to get out of. But I believe in you.