Venting Failure

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Hey everyone!

I always feel bad for posting as I don't want to waste everyone's time.

Anyone else feel like they are destined to even fail at suicide? I hear about all these other people who have succeeded and I am very jealous and envious of them.

I tried belt strangulation and partial hanging tonight but I can never hit the spot that they say to try and practice to see if you can make yourself blackout. It just makes me dizzy and hurts my throat. I guess that would be classed as pathetic. I don;t know if it would even be classed as an attempt if you I don't end up in hospital.

All I want is out of this world now. I fail at everything in life and just a waste of space.

I did give life a chance again, I put a lot of effort into weekly therapy and payed a lot of money from November. I tried everything the therapist suggested and I am rather fond of her but I can't afford more than once a week. But nothing ever gets better. I even opened up to her about how I was feeling suicidal but she doesn't believe me. I even risked showing her the stockpile of drugs I had on me but still nothing!

I am struggling with self harm a lot. Feels like the only way to escape from the pain inside my head.

I gave up on the book that I mentioned in my previous post, I can't do anything right so why even bother trying.

It's bullshit all this media about talk to others to share how you feel because in reality no one wants to hear. Even my therapist doesn't. It's only once the person has killed themselves do people care. That's exactly what happened to my bestfriend, no one cared and then he died and then suddenly everyone cares!

I may only be 19 (nearly 20) but the future is hopeless. There is no hope. I don't know why I keep telling myself there is because as soon as I live a little bit longer, all I go through is pain. Being autistic with a bunch of other diagnosis's is hell. Everyone misjudges my ability and so I miss out on the support I need. The support is never going to get better. The support I did get, got ripped away from the lockdown. I don't have the support of my family either. They are the reason I have a diagnosis of PTSD and that is already messing with my head through nightmares and flashbacks.

Everyone says that i'm coping and that I should be proud for staying alive, but is drinking and taking drugs everyday living to get another day over and done with really living?!

My whole SN plan is currently jeapordized as the supplier who is nearer to me has sold out during lockdown and the the online shops take ages to deliver.

This lockdown is just taking everything good away from me - I need to die within the next 9 weeks before summer. preferably I will be gone in May - That is depending if I can actually manage to actually succeed in life for once and do something for the greater good (CTB)

Anyway I apologize for my rant. This place feels like the only place where I can really say how I am feeling as I know that people can relate or understand what I am going through.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

The only thing I can do is say that I care and that I will listen. It is up to you if you believe me or not. If you want to you can pull up our pm from a while ago if you need to talk <3

I struggle with self harm too. Ik what you mean by feeling like it's the only way to escape the pain. The urges can be so terrible sometimes

you are not wasting my time or anyone else's. We care. We are a community. We are a family. We look after one another including you. Know that you are listened to and I'm thinking about you

I'm sorry your therapist doesn't believe you. That sucks and is super annoying.

Im always here if you ever want to talk again. You would never be wasting my time. It's my pleasure to be talking to you. I hope that maybe tomorrow is a better day <3

 

[TiredOfWakingUp]

Rant all you need to, no apologies mate that's what the website is for. People here are somewhat familiar with how you feel. I get how its frustrating to give life all you got, work a job, go to therapy routinely and taking medication. Then to feel only a little insignificant improvement, or none at all. I hope you can find a way to do some good during quarantine. I'm 21 and it's tough being forced to stay home with little money. Gets boring fast. I wish I could help. Truth is nothing lasts forever and everything's changing constantly. But sometimes it takes trying something new to occupy yourself instead of thinking about the past. I got my SN, im in the USA. I wish you well, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Btw, why before summer?

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Rant all you need to, no apologies mate that's what the website is for. People here are somewhat familiar with how you feel. I get how its frustrating to give life all you got, work a job, go to therapy routinely and taking medication. Then to feel only a little insignificant improvement, or none at all. I hope you can find a way to do some good during quarantine. I'm 21 and it's tough being forced to stay home with little money. Gets boring fast. I wish I could help. Truth is nothing lasts forever and everything's changing constantly. But sometimes it takes trying something new to occupy yourself instead of thinking about the past. I got my SN, im in the USA. I wish you well, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Btw, why before summer?

Some funding has been agreed in the summer to support me but it always goes wrong so if I go then it can be given to someone else and also I will be on my own during the summer as I don't have college or anything so it's just me trapped in a house with people who I hate. This lockdown has no ending, I'm in the UK and it;s a lot harder to obtain.