Failure Tally

[TiredHorse]

I assume others here keep a tally of how many times they've missed the bus.

Me? Five so far: 1 cut wrists, many years ago; in the last year, 4 with N2.

Ye gods, it's depressing. Hopefully soon #6 will get the job done, but at this point I feel pretty bleak about ever succeeding.

 

[Toenditall]

4 for me 1st wrists 2nd hanging 3rd hanging again 4th tramadol od I fail at everything I do even trying to die

 

[Shewaitsforme]

I assume others here keep a tally of how many times they've missed the bus.

Me? Five so far: 1 cut wrists, many years ago; in the last year, 4 with N2.

Ye gods, it's depressing. Hopefully soon #6 will get the job done, but at this point I feel pretty bleak about ever succeeding.

Can i ask what hapoened with the N2 fails. Its my chosen method so trying to get as much info good and bad.

 

[worldexploder]

2 failed attempts - one OD and one failed hanging attempt.

 

[Retched]

4 for me 1st wrists 2nd hanging 3rd hanging again 4th tramadol od I fail at everything I do even trying to die

I feel the same way, so at least we are in the same fail boat.

 

[TiredHorse]

Can i ask what hapoened with the N2 fails. Its my chosen method so trying to get as much info good and bad.

N2 would have worked just fine --painless, etc.-- had I not flinched and pulled the bag off my head. Call it "Operator Error."

 

[sadsoul]

To be honest I don't count my attempts anymore.
When I was 13, I more or less impulsively tried to take sodium hydroxide (drain cleaner). That was extremely stupid because it's super acidic and it fucked up my mouth/tongue, but luckily only temporarily because I didn't take much. And it was very painful obviously.
After that there was a longer period where I didn't really try to kill myself because I didn't have a method and I wasn't super suicidal.
But that changed this year. 2018 has been the craziest year for me in terms of mental health. I've tried to kill myself multiple times by drinking alcohol but I always chickened out/didn't drink enough. Then I decided that alcohol poisoning is not a good and reliable way to go. Also my problems were that it was difficult for me to get enough alcohol and hide it from my parents, and when it came to drinking the alcohol I just wasn't able to do it.
So I changed my method to partial suspension, on which I found a lot of useful information on SS.
I probably tried partial over 10 times in my closet, but I never passed out. Then on one test run I actually passed out but the rod in my closet broke (which was actually good, because my parents came home like 2 minutes after that and if they had found and saved me maybe I would have ended up with brain damage).
This Wednesday was my latest and most serious attempt. I tried partial, but this time in the bathroom where I have a stable anchor point that doesn't break under my weight. I also made sure that no one would be coming home soon. But this attempt failed because the survival instinct kicked in.

What is remarkable and surprising to me is that I think I could somehow convince my parents that I didn't attempt suicide. They found the alcohol, they found the broken rod in my closet, they read a note from my therapist that literally says that I tried to kill myself, but I could always convince them that I'm okay. I told them that I had broken the rod in my closet because I was angry lol. I don't know if they're really that gullible, but I guess they just don't think it's possible that I, their son, whose life in their opinion is quite good, could be suicidal. They just think that I sometimes struggle a bit with school stress and that if I learn how to handle it better then I'll be fine. It's good that they don't seem to suspect anything because I don't want them to stop me from ctb.

Edit: omg this turned out longer than expected sry for the wall of text lol

 

[TiredHorse]

What is remarkable and surprising to me is that I think I could somehow convince my parents that I didn't attempt suicide.

I have found it remarkably easy to talk my way out of any close examination of my intentions. A sheriff's deputy came to my door after my last attempt, for a "welfare check". (Details under the thread I posted about not trusting email delayed-delivery services.) I BS'ed my way out of that, and even got some good information about what the coroner would do in the event of a deputy finding a suicide.

I think it's because people genuinely don't want to believe others intend to kill themselves. The relief of hearing, "no, I was just angry when I broke that closet rod," is enough to allow them to accept it.

 

[sadsoul]

I have found it remarkably easy to talk my way out of any close examination of my intentions. A sheriff's deputy came to my door after my last attempt, for a "welfare check". (Details under the thread I posted about not trusting email delayed-delivery services.) I BS'ed my way out of that, and even got some good information about what the coroner would do in the event of a deputy finding a suicide.

I think it's because people genuinely don't want to believe others intend to kill themselves. The relief of hearing, "no, I was just angry when I broke that closet rod," is enough to allow them to accept it.

Yeah it's really easy to make people think you're okay. On Tuesday for example I had therapy and I made my therapist think that I'm recovering really well. She said something like "so it does have an end". She was referring to my pain ending because I was 'recovering' but in my head I was like "yep, my life will have an end" lol. So I basically made her think that I'm fine, I talked about how things are getting better and about the future.
The next day I tried to kill myself. So that's that.

 

[Rocky M]

Only twice for me.

1. I chickened out, then a car stopped because they thought I was waiting to cross the road, I didn't want to scar them so I politely crossed and pretended to go on my way (traffic)

2. Got caught (hanging)

I hope the phrase "third time's a charm" is real…

 

[nzdarkshark]

Many many strangulation fails, one serious partial hanging fail, one wrist cutting fail.

 

[TiredHorse]

Add another N2 failure onto my tally. It's becoming a weekly re-run.

Fuck.

No fault of the method. Just cowardice. Three hours sobbing and howling and I can't even keep a bag on my head long enough to pass out. First bit of tingling in my hands and I flinch.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

May need to resort to the gun after all. Or get so stoned I can't flinch. Or get off my dead ass and find some N.

I'm fucking exhausted. How can this be so damned difficult?!

 

[Jai]

I assume others here keep a tally of how many times they've missed the bus.

Me? Five so far: 1 cut wrists, many years ago; in the last year, 4 with N2.

Ye gods, it's depressing. Hopefully soon #6 will get the job done, but at this point I feel pretty bleak about ever succeeding.

7
OD x3 ( no effects at all and counting trying to drink myself to death too )
Poison x1( horrifically sick for days )
Partial x1( method not perfected )
Firearm X2 ( bottled it once caught second time got a holiday in the wackaloon bin for my trouble)

 

[yppah71]

Twice for me.

One helium bag attempt in a seedy hotel which only served to remind me I wasn't any good at building things and that I liked nice hotels.
One hanging attempt which only reminded me how much I wanted out.

Making sure I become a three time loser is what brought me here.

 

[NemoZeno]

Actual attempts...fucking five (incompetent is my middle name). The last 2 haunt me:

I'd provide details but...the 1st law of motion applies to my motivation.

\edit I'm too used to reddit. didn't realize this platform also allows the awesome option of putting in gifs in a reply.

 

[rabid_squirrel]

I had 3 attempts,but all were done when I was much younger and I didn't do any research properly.

1 a medley of pills.I swallowed 200 pills(mostly sleeping pills)when I was 16,I wandered mindlessly in the street and collapsed and then got rescued by a passer by,I couldn't remember any of that actually,I don't have any memory of that particular month,I think my brain got damaged,because I had extremely good memory before,after that,not so much.

2 cutting my wrist,I should have cut my wrist vertically not horizontally, it was more effective,I got told by the doctor,I ended up with nerve damage to my left hand,it still affects me today.

3. jumping.chickened out.

Now I'm older,I want to do it properly,the past failures have caused me brain and physical damages that can't be reversed.I don't want it to happen again.

 

[TheLastTrip]

4.

Strangulation, injecting air into a vein, paracetamol overdose and drinking powdered chemicals dissolved in coke. All done at a young age with very little direction (it wasn't available at that time) so no wonder they failed.

My fifth attempt won't fail.

 

[TiredHorse]

cutting my wrist,I should have cut my wrist vertically not horizontally, it was more effective

That was me! Young and dumb; pre-internet, so nowhere to do good research.

I think Hollywood deliberately mis-represents ctb methods --cutting crosswise instead of lengthwise, pointing gun at temple instead of behind ear, taking sleeping pills (modern ones don't work for ctb), jumping off a too-low building-- so that anyone interested in ctb has a faulty template and won't succeed.

 

[Xerxes]

1st time: stabbed myself in the leg aiming at my femoral artery. Missed it. (1 week in hospital, 3 weeks in ward)
2nd time: OD on Clonzepam and Seroquel. Got sick.
3rd time: 7G of Seroquel with CO poisoning. A neighbor saved me ( 3 weeks in ICU, a month in the ward)
4th time: Concussed myself by banging my head into a brick wall
5th time: Attempted hanging. Psyched out

 

[TAW122]

Zero as I've yet to attempt. Since I have a clean record, I can't afford to soil it and the method (firearm) that I'm going with, I can't afford to screw up as I may never get another chance with it again. I'm more of a get it right the first time person when it comes to ctb'ing.