Venting Failure of a person

[miserableburner]

I've been sick since a little before I was released. Not sure if any reaction at all is related to grief, or if it is present. Constant appointments related to psychiatry, luckily the physical illness is seemingly tail-ending. I became entirely useless whilst the sickest, bedridden and unable to talk without verging on an asthma attack. Fever, chills, all of that fun - No name for what I had, just an unknown virus everyone is getting. Mucinex was no help at all for me, and I've been self medicating by sleeping all day, which I was explicitly directed not to do by doctors as I was leaving for 'bettering myself', and if it didn't mean trouble for me with people checking that I am living up to those orders, I wouldn't fucking care. The constant admonishing, condescending and otherwise of how I need to get better because I am so sickly, the surrounding of pity and genuine concern from everyone involved with me right now sickens me. Yet, when I behave sickly, physically or emotionally, I am looked down upon despite it being expected. I cannot perform dutifully this way, I am filthy, I am being a poor lover, I am doing very little for myself. My body is in a place of limbo where it behaves sickly, is seeming readjusting to my heavy medication, but is not fully won over by the positive side effects enough that the negatives are tiresome. Adderall is suppressing my appetite just enough I cannot eat to get better fully while ill, and what I do eat I keep puking, but not enough I am losing a comfortable, attractive, concerningly handsome amount of weight. My skin has worsened likely from dehydration and self-neglect, I smell awful (likely contributed to by that stupidly stereotypical amphetamine smell I'm not used to again after so long), I feel encased in filth, and I have not lived up to my expectations as the lead man in the relationship, overall I am so disappointed in myself. Perpetual moodiness has also not aided in how I've felt, once again have I sunk back into rot and disappointment. In all of this, whether sick, burdening, or healthy, I feel that nobody wants to engage me aside from when I cater to them. I am completely failing to live up to the potential I could have for others' enjoyment of me, for me to gain from them, as an individual. I am disregarded and mistreated, going outshined in comparison to how people should be treating me, how I should be presenting myself. Not overly grandiose, and not solely pitiful, that way I may reap the benefits of both. Instead I get a small portion of the both of what could be. I do not live up to what I ever could be, and nobody will listen to me without reducing what I say to somehow be about them, not understanding where I am coming from, or worst of all, claiming to when they really do not. I want somebody who is not self obsessed in a way that is not brazen and instead reliant on logic to relate to me, without using me as their step-stool in the process to rise up, no matter how hypocritical that is of me to request. I want to feel an equal to something momentarily, even if threatening. To appear attractive to somebody without knowing they see me as lesser in many regards, them subconscious or conscious of that, to not feel a need to be defensive for a moment knowing I am possibly subject to betrayal or that trust is the unwise choice as the person sees me as lesser, and therefore may target me. I want to feel like something again. I want to feel whole.