Failed partial attempt and I feel sad

[Hail-Sisyphus]

I overdosed on my anxiolytics. Which I know would likely not kill me, but I needed that feeling of... Not feeling, I guess. Then I prepared for the night-night method by trying to find my carotid arteries. Which I did on my first try, no exploding head, no suffocating feelings and still I panicked when I felt I was on the verge of passing out. Took another pill. And then for some reason I don't know I called ambulance. They came pretty quickly, gave me activated charcoal and drove me to the ER, which I ran away from to avoid involuntary containment.

I feel absolutely distraught. I want out of this life so bad and my reaction doesn't make sense. I tried to do a partial hanging a couple of years ago and I've never felt so at peace; I even slept with the rope around my neck. I can't remember why I decided to not go through with it, I just know that I wish I did. I miss that feeling of absolute peace and comfort and I don't know how to achieve that again. My one thing that I was comforted by was the option to CTB and when I finally gave it an attempt I stopped myself. Now it feels like there aren't any options left, that I'm somehow just destined to suffer.

Anyone with a similar experience? Are there ways to rid yourself of your own survival instinct?

 

[day]

Failing sounds like the worst thing possible.. I couldn't imagine how you must feel. I'm so sorry you have to continue to suffer in this horrible cruel world..

It's such a shame human prolong suffering for others by taking away the right to death. Everyone should have the right to a quick, painless, reliable death. I'm so sorry OP.

I hope you manage to find an end to your pain eventually.. I truly am sorry to read this..

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such a horrible experience what you went through, such a thing is exactly what I fear, it's inhumane how suicide is purposely made so difficult for people and they are just expected to suffer endlessly. But anyway I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering, best wishes.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Failing so painful and it's a shame that there are no easily accessible methods available. In my opinion so much SI must be defeated for hanging and night-night. Maybe you should look into other more peaceful methods. I hope you can find peace.