Failed CTB

[inmyhead]

Tried to CTB today, had it all planned out. Failed. Started a partial hanging, tingly sensations almost straight away, started convulsing while still awake. Knot slipped and feet ended up back on the ground. Was still slightly convulsing. SI kicked in the moment I was hanging and I managed to loosen everything and get out of it.

Took some sedatives beforehand and now I am lying in bed expecting to fall asleep. Feel so disappointed in myself. But also wondering if I should just start trying to live.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

A failed attempt is nothing to be disappointed. It didn't work this time because you were not ready to go and your SI was strong enough to save you from possibly long and painful suffocation and other pains. Given the fact, you think, that you should try to live, is positive. Anyway CTB can always be an option if life turns worse.

 

[NoStanding]

That isn't anything to be disappointed about, don't worry. You could consider it an opportunity to try to live. I guess just try to take it easy for now and rest up. Any particular reason you wanted to CTB?

 

[FuneralCry]

Failing ctb sounds so horrible to me, it's exactly what I fear, I hate how it's so difficult to finally leave this hellish world, of course it really should be easier, it's certainly like the survial instinct exists just to prolong suffering and keep us trapped here.

 

[inmyhead]

A failed attempt is nothing to be disappointed. It didn't work this time because you were not ready to go and your SI was strong enough to save you from possibly long and painful suffocation and other pains. Given the fact, you think, that you should try to live, is positive. Anyway CTB can always be an option if life turns worse.

I appreciate that. To be honest I feel like I am already at rock bottom and I don't really know what to do to make that go away. I don't have the energy to go and have a life. I just don't.

That isn't anything to be disappointed about, don't worry. You could consider it an opportunity to try to live. I guess just try to take it easy for now and rest up. Any particular reason you wanted to CTB?

I was thinking about it. But I still want to CTB. It's annoying knowing if my set up had been better I would have managed it. But also reassuring to know that I could get there if I did it again. I've got long term chronic mental health conditions (BPD) and can't handle it anymore. I feel like I break everything I touch and that I'm a shattered piece of glass nobody can put back together. I'm so tired of living.

Failing ctb sounds so horrible to me, it's exactly what I fear, I hate how it's so difficult to finally leave this hellish world, of course it really should be easier, it's certainly like the survial instinct exists just to prolong suffering and keep us trapped here.

Yeah it's not nice at all. I had it all planned out too so I don't know when I will get this opportunity again.

 

[Catastrofe]

Hi, how are you feeling today? :) Did you rest a bit?

 

[inmyhead]

Hi, how are you feeling today? :) Did you rest a bit?

I slept the rest of the day haha since I took some sedatives with the actual attempt. I'm feeling okay now. Kinda sad I didn't go through with it though. However, at least I do know that it works because when I got into the position the tingles happened straight away. It's just that my SI kicked in too. My fingers, hands, arms, feet and toes started tingling right away and I was trying to pull the rope off my neck but I couldn't. Then my anchor knot slipped and I fell and landed on my feet.

I think if that hadn't happened I would have been gone now.

 

[Catastrofe]

It feels very stressful... I hope you can take some time to relax a bit now. As other members wrote, do not blame yourself, things just happen sometimes and of course SI is just built into us. :)

 

[NoStanding]

I have a friend with BPD, so I know a little bit about it. I get that it can be hard for sure. There is some sort of medication available, (if you haven't tried it yet).

Take it easy anyhow.

 

[inmyhead]

I have a friend with BPD, so I know a little bit about it. I get that it can be hard for sure. There is some sort of medication available, (if you haven't tried it yet).

Take it easy anyhow.

I am pretty heavily medicated. I get quetiapine, mirtazipine, diazepam, and zopiclone haha.

 

[NoStanding]

I am pretty heavily medicated. I get quetiapine, mirtazipine, diazepam, and zopiclone haha.

Shit, I see. Still doesn't help at all? Medication sucks these days

Hope you are doing a little better

 

[inmyhead]

Shit, I see. Still doesn't help at all? Medication sucks these days

Hope you are doing a little better

Thank you! I have actually had a good day today. But no the medication isn't really helping at all.

 

[NoStanding]

Fuck medication these days. Glad you had a good day though!