Venting Failed attempt last night

[dw33ter]

Last night I decided to attempt. My method is jumping, so getting over SI was a major hurdle. Just as I had psyched myself up and started climbing over the railing, a discord acquaintance messaged me to check in on me. That kind of snapped me out of it, and I wasn't able to continue. Part of me wanted to believe that it was some sort of sign to keep living, but I'm not sure whether that was SI or if I actually believe it.

I've been trying to figure out my next steps after waking up this morning. Reconsidering why I want to ctb and whether it makes sense or is the product of faulty emotional reasoning fuelled by depression. Reflecting on whether I should keep on living or make another attempt tonight. I'm still conflicted and I don't know what to do for certain.

I think ctb still makes sense for me. I'm tired of trying, even if you told me tomorrow my life would be perfect, I'd have a decent job and a group of friends and my mental issues would no longer exist, I would still feel comfortable giving that up. I have a hard time caring any more. I don't like the way my life is going at the moment, and I think hell will freeze over before such an ideal future became possible for me. And even if life were to improve, it'd require so much energy and effort on my part – energy and effort that I just do not have.

On the other hand, I do have people that I don't want to let down. I wish I could be a good son/daughter that my parents can be proud of, and the last thing I want to do is hurt them. I feel so much guilt and shame that I've not been able to be that and I don't think I will. But at the same time, I don't know how much suffering I can take just to avoid causing them pain. The more I talk about this, the more convinced I become that I should not ctb because of all the guilt I feel, but life is just so painful for me and I don't think living life for the sake of other people is necessarily a good reason to keep going.

I did attempt to talk about my attempt in a mental health server, but got the same old platitudes. This is the only place I can talk where people really do understand the pain and the experience of being suicidal.

I don't know whether I'll attempt tonight, or what I'll do for the rest of the day while waiting for night to come. Just needed to write about this somewhere to process it. For me I feel like I have to make a decision soon, either (1) ctb or (2) actually go 100% down the recovery road. I've sort of been doing neither and hoping for the best, but that doesn't seem to be working out – I've learnt the hard way that choosing both is choosing neither really.

Idk, if anyone has any thoughts feel free to share. I'm open to both pro-ctb and pro-recovery views. Wish there was a neutral place on the forum to post this, but oh well.

 

[ipmanwc0]

If you think life can be meaningful again, don't ctb. If you don't, you might want to go through with it. My family is also a reason I feel bad about CTB. However, I know for a fact I won't get better and I won't suffer a lifetime for them, I owe it to myself. But that is my situation take from it what you will. I hope you find the courage to make that decision.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I hope you find peace no matter which decision you make.

 

[HighFlight]

I wish I could be a good son/daughter that my parents can be proud of, and the last thing I want to do is hurt them. I feel so much guilt and shame that I've not been able to be that and I don't think I will. But at the same time, I don't know how much suffering I can take just to avoid causing them pain.

I'm sorry life has brought you to this point, and can only imagine to pain your are going through. Based solely on your post, it doesn't sound like you're 100% behind your ctb decision. And if you're not sure, please wait until you are ready.

A few years ago, my son told me that he wanted to end his life but couldn't find the courage to do it. A piece of me died in that moment. Why didn't I see it? Why couldn't I fix it? Why?!? I felt like a failure, and more importantly, I had failed him. But since then, we've worked together to get him on a good path forward.

I'd like to think that your parents are proud of you as you are! And yes, your ctb will hurt them badly. But that is only one factor in your decision. Your own suffering is valid and needs to be part of your decision too.

I don't know what type of relationship you have with your parents, but do wonder if it's worth talking to them. Maybe don't start with "I want to ctb", but try to explain what you're going through. Let them know how they can help you, including giving you both support and space. And keep in mind, parents are human too... They may need time to process what you tell them.

I wish you all the best as you work through some very difficult decisions. And in the end, I hope you can find the peace that you deserve.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.