FallenForestry
No Longer Human
- Aug 26, 2023
- 6
Theres something so jarring about failing an attempt and then just moving on as if it hadn't happened. There wasn't a specific trigger or anything, I've accepted that I want to ctb for almost 15 years now with varied attempts throughout that time. Realistically things are going well. I finally went back to university and will be finishing in the spring. I have housing and a job lined up in a city with people who care about me. I've removed toxic relationships from my life including abusive family members. I think the fact things are going "well" and I still just can't manage to go on is what sparked it. Its like I'm living with one foot in the present and one foot in the past. I can't get out of the thought cycles, the traumatic memories, the way my fight or flight is triggered simply by existing in the same space as other people, even people I know. I can't exactly share details of it with anyone in my personal life but it felt ... wrong to just. Pick up and move on.
I had tried to do a partial hanging suspension but with my current living situation layout there wasn't something that was both A) strong enough and B) high enough. I tried to do it from a lower position but couldn't get the angle right for the carotid artery. Eventually I gave up and decided I was going to take some sleeping medication, tighten a belt around my neck with socks to add compression around the carotids, put a note on the fridge for whoever might find me, play some music, and lay down and hope it would be enough. I knew it likely wouldn't be, but I hoped it could just be as easy as falling asleep like that. My ex had no issues with cutting off my carotids until I blacked out and my body had no problem learning not to fight the sensation. Made sense that I'd be able to do it. I could feel my tongue swelling and my vision spotting and things just shifting out of focus. But after nearly 10 minutes I realized it likely wouldn't be enough. I didn't bother to tighten it more or try anything else. I simply took it off, threw the note away, and went to sleep before waking up several hours later for work and going back to my day.
I just. I want it to be over. I can keep going I suppose. Going through the motions and pulling myself back up on my feet when I'm fully distressed. But it doesn't feel like a life. It feels like i'm living solely so the people around me don't have to deal with my loss. So my family I'm estranged from can continue to pat themselves on their backs for "fixing me" and "raising me right." I exist to be a trophy for others. And I guess thats just how it will always be until I can do something more.
I had tried to do a partial hanging suspension but with my current living situation layout there wasn't something that was both A) strong enough and B) high enough. I tried to do it from a lower position but couldn't get the angle right for the carotid artery. Eventually I gave up and decided I was going to take some sleeping medication, tighten a belt around my neck with socks to add compression around the carotids, put a note on the fridge for whoever might find me, play some music, and lay down and hope it would be enough. I knew it likely wouldn't be, but I hoped it could just be as easy as falling asleep like that. My ex had no issues with cutting off my carotids until I blacked out and my body had no problem learning not to fight the sensation. Made sense that I'd be able to do it. I could feel my tongue swelling and my vision spotting and things just shifting out of focus. But after nearly 10 minutes I realized it likely wouldn't be enough. I didn't bother to tighten it more or try anything else. I simply took it off, threw the note away, and went to sleep before waking up several hours later for work and going back to my day.
I just. I want it to be over. I can keep going I suppose. Going through the motions and pulling myself back up on my feet when I'm fully distressed. But it doesn't feel like a life. It feels like i'm living solely so the people around me don't have to deal with my loss. So my family I'm estranged from can continue to pat themselves on their backs for "fixing me" and "raising me right." I exist to be a trophy for others. And I guess thats just how it will always be until I can do something more.
