Failed at CTB this morning because I am a coward

[Againstthewind]

Not really sure why I am posting this, guess I am just venting.

This morning I had planned to take SN, and CTB this morning, I had planned out everything to a t, fasted for 24 hours, had my note written, things were organized in the house after a month of planning, had the times down and everything. It was planned meticulously for a while, felt a little sad the night before but I knew what I had to do.

Woke up this morning a little groggy, but was determined, the time came, took my ibuprofen, all good, wait 15 mins, take the AE, all good, just waiting for the ultimate SN 45 mins later.

Prepared, stirred it, had two glasses made, went to the bathroom, sat in the bath where I was gonna take it (yes I know that sounds lame, but it was near the toilet, in case I threw up)

The second struck the hour, it was time to take it, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I couldn't do it.

I sat there and stared at it and I just couldn't pick it up, to not even taste it or just shove it down my throat, I just couldn't.

I then started walking around like a moron trying to psych myself up to take it and I felt like I just kept hitting a wall. I knew I couldn't go back now, how far I had come. As I kept over thinking it, about an hour and a half went by and I thought, I've probably ruined the whole plan for keeping the glasses out in the open this long, all because I was pissing about not knowing what to do with myself, and couldn't figure if it would have been still okay to drink or not, being out this long, because then my mind went into overdrive thinking it wouldn't work now and I wouldn't ctb just get ill. My anxiety and overthinking even screwed up the damn ctb process. Theres just no hope! SI won, I lost.

So now no SN, back to square one, feel like a coward, pretty deflated, exhausted.

Funny enough I went to the doctor because I needed a fit note for work, and I confided in what's been going on with myself (didn't tell them about this) So they prescribed me Propranolol (which is interesting since I didn't have that in the CTB plan) and Fluoxetine, anybody got any experience with these? Took Citalopram in the past but that gave me shitty side effects, so I came off it.

Back to depression, anxiety, panics and god knows what other shit, back to the day to day shite, sighhhh, what a day.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you went through this experience. There is nothing easy about ctb after all, it doesn't mean that you are a coward feeling like you are unable to go through with it. I hope that in whatever happens you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Jrmull1993]

I'm terribly sorry for how your feeling.

 

[chronicallybroken]

You're not a coward. It's exceptionally hard to fight that SI. I was on fluoxetine for years and I found it quite helpful - I hope it helps you too.

 

[Sittichmutter]

Not really sure why I am posting this, guess I am just venting.

This morning I had planned to take SN, and CTB this morning, I had planned out everything to a t, fasted for 24 hours, had my note written, things were organized in the house after a month of planning, had the times down and everything. It was planned meticulously for a while, felt a little sad the night before but I knew what I had to do.

Woke up this morning a little groggy, but was determined, the time came, took my ibuprofen, all good, wait 15 mins, take the AE, all good, just waiting for the ultimate SN 45 mins later.

Prepared, stirred it, had two glasses made, went to the bathroom, sat in the bath where I was gonna take it (yes I know that sounds lame, but it was near the toilet, in case I threw up)

The second struck the hour, it was time to take it, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I couldn't do it.

I sat there and stared at it and I just couldn't pick it up, to not even taste it or just shove it down my throat, I just couldn't.

I then started walking around like a moron trying to psych myself up to take it and I felt like I just kept hitting a wall. I knew I couldn't go back now, how far I had come. As I kept over thinking it, about an hour and a half went by and I thought, I've probably ruined the whole plan for keeping the glasses out in the open this long, all because I was pissing about not knowing what to do with myself, and couldn't figure if it would have been still okay to drink or not, being out this long, because then my mind went into overdrive thinking it wouldn't work now and I wouldn't ctb just get ill. My anxiety and overthinking even screwed up the damn ctb process. Theres just no hope! SI won, I lost.

So now no SN, back to square one, feel like a coward, pretty deflated, exhausted.

Funny enough I went to the doctor because I needed a fit note for work, and I confided in what's been going on with myself (didn't tell them about this) So they prescribed me Propranolol (which is interesting since I didn't have that in the CTB plan) and Fluoxetine, anybody got any experience with these? Took Citalopram in the past but that gave me shitty side effects, so I came off it.

Back to depression, anxiety, panics and god knows what other shit, back to the day to day shite, sighhhh, what a day.

Dear Againstthewind,
Do not feel bad about yourself.
You are not a coward. Something inside was telling you that It is not your time yet.
I like Fluoxetine. I hope you like It too.
Take this experience as an opportunity. Maybe you could feel different this time.
I wish you all the best.
Love

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's a frightening thing to do. Don't beat yourself up about it. Plus, I think you were sensible not to have taken it after the time had elapsed. No point in taking a risk and making yourself ill.

I was on Fluoxetine for a month. Honestly, it didn't seem to do much for me but leave a metallic taste in my mouth but maybe I hadn't given it long enough to take effect- I think most drugs need a while before they start to make a difference. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do moving forward.

 

[Hope:-)]

I had TERRIBLE experiences on antidepressants- would very seriously never recommend them. However don't go cold turkey.

I'm sorry for your experience. Be kind to yourself.l hope I'll be able to do it when the time comes x

 

[1000winds]

i can definitely see this happening to me and i dont want to waste my medication. i'm so sorry this happened to you. having to re-do all the planning on itself would kill me!!

 

[Againstthewind]

I'm sorry that you went through this experience. There is nothing easy about ctb after all, it doesn't mean that you are a coward feeling like you are unable to go through with it. I hope that in whatever happens you find relief from your suffering.

Thank you :)

I'm terribly sorry for how your feeling.

Thanks :)

You're not a coward. It's exceptionally hard to fight that SI. I was on fluoxetine for years and I found it quite helpful - I hope it helps you too.

I guess we will see how it goes, thanks :)

Dear Againstthewind,
Do not feel bad about yourself.
You are not a coward. Something inside was telling you that It is not your time yet.
I like Fluoxetine. I hope you like It too.
Take this experience as an opportunity. Maybe you could feel different this time.
I wish you all the best.
Love

That was kind of you, thank you :)

It's a frightening thing to do. Don't beat yourself up about it. Plus, I think you were sensible not to have taken it after the time had elapsed. No point in taking a risk and making yourself ill.

I was on Fluoxetine for a month. Honestly, it didn't seem to do much for me but leave a metallic taste in my mouth but maybe I hadn't given it long enough to take effect- I think most drugs need a while before they start to make a difference. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do moving forward.

I guess, yeah, it was all a bit of cock up, but thank you :)

I had TERRIBLE experiences on antidepressants- would very seriously never recommend them. However don't go cold turkey.

I'm sorry for your experience. Be kind to yourself.l hope I'll be able to do it when the time comes x

Thank you :)


Thanks for all the words, I appreciate it :)

 

[MountainMonkey]

dang, my heart goes out to you. That sounds like my future story. SI is a bitch. Hang in there. Hoping you get some good days

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Don't berate yourself for being unable to complete. You don't need to add any further pain. For now I suggest you think about whether anything besides fear was at play here. For example, if you had any unfinished business or any avenue of hope perhaps unexplored. Remind yourself that as inhumanly possible as it seems many people have been able to do it. Like anything else fear won't matter once you've passed on. And that death is something that is going to happen eventually some way, anyways. At least that's what I tell myself.

 

[Againstthewind]

dang, my heart goes out to you. That sounds like my future story. SI is a bitch. Hang in there. Hoping you get some good days

Thank you :)

Don't berate yourself for being unable to complete. You don't need to add any further pain. For now I suggest you think about whether anything besides fear was at play here. For example, if you had any unfinished business or any avenue of hope perhaps unexplored. Remind yourself that as inhumanly possible as it seems many people have been able to do it. Like anything else fear won't matter once you've passed on. And that death is something that is going to happen eventually some way, anyways. At least that's what I tell myself.

I mean, the same issues are still there. Who knows, I'm searching for different paths trying to find a way with things lingering above my head

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Thank you :)

I mean, the same issues are still there. Who knows, I'm searching for different paths trying to find a way with things lingering above my head

I just imagine that sometimes SI can come from places we hadn't considered until the time comes to summon our resolve. I would wait at least a little to let things settle before you seriously approach the task again. You are not alone.