party?
Member
- Feb 10, 2025
- 11
Maybe my issues stem from childhood abuse and I worsened them myself as i grew older. One second i'm happy and hopeful and the very next i feel empty and then angry. So angry. The feeling of wanting to escape myself never goes away. Especially during paranoia episodes. Social interactions only add fuel to this fire of neuroticism. Don't quite know what's wrong with me. I suspect Borderline personality disorder but its better to not self diagnose. Not in a position to get professional diagnoses either, at least not yet.
Everything seems to be going wrong but there's a part of me that just does not want to get better. I hate what I have become but it gives me a reason to just not try anymore. I've tried asking for help only to feel embarrassed if ignored and angry if given any good advice. Why is the thought of even trying to care for myself so infuriating? It really confuses me. Getting better is hard and even that does not guarantee anything in the end. What is the point of getting better if all that means is just to get the strength to get through hard days? I do not want to endure such hard days at all and be free. Quite embarrassing to wallow in such self pity but i accept my problem.
I think I've reached a point where I'm ready to isolate myself from everyone. Having people around only worsens my issues. Still hard to accept the fact that I'm unlovable. But some people don't deserve that I assume, when they themselves don't have it in them to like themselves and only be a burden to others.
Everything seems to be going wrong but there's a part of me that just does not want to get better. I hate what I have become but it gives me a reason to just not try anymore. I've tried asking for help only to feel embarrassed if ignored and angry if given any good advice. Why is the thought of even trying to care for myself so infuriating? It really confuses me. Getting better is hard and even that does not guarantee anything in the end. What is the point of getting better if all that means is just to get the strength to get through hard days? I do not want to endure such hard days at all and be free. Quite embarrassing to wallow in such self pity but i accept my problem.
I think I've reached a point where I'm ready to isolate myself from everyone. Having people around only worsens my issues. Still hard to accept the fact that I'm unlovable. But some people don't deserve that I assume, when they themselves don't have it in them to like themselves and only be a burden to others.
