TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,849
After a few days of ruminating, thinking, and reexamining my life as an summation from beginning to present and also the future, I've come to the conclusion that recovery isn't for me. I have no interest, inclination, nor desire to improve my life. The reason being is that I've reached a point where things are unlikely to improve for me and even for a chance to improve would be really costly, and at best, a pyrrhic achievement for me. Without further ado, here is my reasoning.
1. Social life failure (past, present, and future)
From when I was born, I had a developmental disorder called Aspergers (did not get formally diagnosed until late teens nor did I find out until then). Fucked up my social life, got bullied frequently in middle and high school. Also, wrecked my self-esteem which caused me not to be able to socialize nor learn the skills necessary to be socially successful. There was a gap in social development and learning social norms and shit starting from late middle school and only ever grew wider over time. I never did catch up to my peers and was always behind. College wasn't much better at all (sure the worst bullying stopped but there was still covert ousting and exclusion from groups or circles). I was oftenly ignored and no one really initiated contact or wanting to be my friend. The only times people did initiate social contact was only if they wanted something from me, if it was convenient for them, or if they wanted to push their agenda/make me as their pet project or some shit. Fuck those people. As a result, I've given up on trying to improve my social life, it isn't worth the effort, the growing pains, and also, even if by some rare chance of success, it would be too costly to be worth it.
2. No relationship (not that I want one; but couldn't get one even if I did)
If I couldn't even make friends, let alone good friends, then my chances of getting into a relationship with another woman/girlfriend/wife is slim to none. If you asked teenage me I would have desperately wanted one, partly due to teenage hormones, partly due to wanting to conform to what other people did. However, the main thing isn't that I'm upset at the fact I don't have one, but rather the inability to obtain a relationship even if I genuinely wanted to. As a now, I'd have my own personal reasons for not wanting one, which includes sparing any potential girlfriend or woman the pains of ctb and also protecting myself from getting too close and end up getting hurt.
3. The world is fucked, unjust, never resolved issues of the past and present
As I've said, most of my life sucked and in addition to the social failures (which is a big reason for my wanting to ctb), I've had situations where I was always the underdog, the butt of jokes, people didn't take me seriously, treated me like shit, including my own father and family. Fuck people who say well it's in the past! Bullshit, the same or similar shit still happens in present day goddamn it! I still don't get taken seriously when I talk of a subject that I have authority in, I get patronizing lectures by people around me (very oftenly), people still see me as a weakling and incompetent, worst of all, fucking goody two shoes people (mainly religious types but secular ones too) that just want to feel good about sticking their morality down my throat and life. I figured the world is not fair, life isn't fair, but the least I can do is ctb so I never have to deal with it. Better dead and no long dealing with shit than alive and suffering through the same shit past, present, and future.
4. Not looking forward to wageslaving and stuff
We all know that we have to work and do productive things to earn a living just so we can survive. However, I'm not interested in slaving away just to exist for what, 30, 40, 50 years or maybe longer if one cannot retire in their late 60's or something. Furthermore, it is quite hilariously pathetic and sad that people who know me assume that I'm going to be some white collar professional working in an office making six figures and what not. They assume a lot of things without evidence. Hell, I don't forsee myself being financially and professionally successful. Even if I had all the money to do a lot of things, it won't really solve all my problems or bring me lots of happiness. I mean, sure I'll probably have more methods at my disposal, but I've already my method so that's moot. I rather just earn enough to live comfortably, pursue some of my hobbies and have enough for some entertainment and that's it. I don't care for what society deems to be successful (big house, high paying job, wife, yacht, nice car, etc.).
5. Failed passions and dreams
During childhood and even through early college, I've always wanted to pursue my passion of becoming a great musician. However, all of that was shattered when faced with the reality of the situation, where you'd have to be exceptionally talented to get into a good music conservatory, then let alone know the right people, win the right competitions, and much more before one even has a chance to make a name for themselves to be successful in the music field (or get really lucky, win the music lottery -- pun intended). That of course never happened, and my dreams of putting forth video game music that I wanted fell through since I always been a sheet music/theory based person rather than play by ear (which is another skill that requires one to have a good ear + aural skills). Knowing that I am unable to fulfill this goal and coupled with the fact that recently I've been suffering even in performance (either due to anxiety or just some other ailment) makes me want to ctb even more. I have been getting worse and cannot seem to pinpoint the actual problem.
6. Don't want to live until old and die of infirmity and disease
I'd rather ctb and die with dignity than get old and die in an assisted living facility at the mercy of the hospice workers, healthcare workers. Fuck that shit, that is torment and anguish and having to rely on others for even basic needs and activities. If anything, I'd rather die while I'm young and physically capable to make decisions as well as ctb.
7. How I really despise society and government for not legalizing or at least decriminalizing suicide.
I get that governments want their people to stay alive so they can keep the system going and what not. However, the whole idea of forcing the suicidal against their will is not only unconstitutional (violation of due process) but also just downright inhumane, the shitty treatment of people in their care, and then slapping a huge medical bill for services that the patient never agreed to nor consented to. At least decriminalize and stop involuntary commitment for people who only deem a risk or danger TO THEMSELVES. But no, let's just stigmatize the subject and act of suicide, force people against their will while slapping them a hefty medical bill and taking away their civil rights (firearms and what not) because that will teach them. Seriously fuck society and government for allowing this to happen. If such things happened to me, I'd ctb faster than a bullet train at full speed.
If you have any questions or want clarifications on my story, rant, and my reasoning, feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer/address them. I made this thread just to elaborate on my reasoning of why I've given up and why recovery isn't a viable option for me. I've pretty much just vent dumped all my emotions into one thread.
1. Social life failure (past, present, and future)
From when I was born, I had a developmental disorder called Aspergers (did not get formally diagnosed until late teens nor did I find out until then). Fucked up my social life, got bullied frequently in middle and high school. Also, wrecked my self-esteem which caused me not to be able to socialize nor learn the skills necessary to be socially successful. There was a gap in social development and learning social norms and shit starting from late middle school and only ever grew wider over time. I never did catch up to my peers and was always behind. College wasn't much better at all (sure the worst bullying stopped but there was still covert ousting and exclusion from groups or circles). I was oftenly ignored and no one really initiated contact or wanting to be my friend. The only times people did initiate social contact was only if they wanted something from me, if it was convenient for them, or if they wanted to push their agenda/make me as their pet project or some shit. Fuck those people. As a result, I've given up on trying to improve my social life, it isn't worth the effort, the growing pains, and also, even if by some rare chance of success, it would be too costly to be worth it.
2. No relationship (not that I want one; but couldn't get one even if I did)
If I couldn't even make friends, let alone good friends, then my chances of getting into a relationship with another woman/girlfriend/wife is slim to none. If you asked teenage me I would have desperately wanted one, partly due to teenage hormones, partly due to wanting to conform to what other people did. However, the main thing isn't that I'm upset at the fact I don't have one, but rather the inability to obtain a relationship even if I genuinely wanted to. As a now, I'd have my own personal reasons for not wanting one, which includes sparing any potential girlfriend or woman the pains of ctb and also protecting myself from getting too close and end up getting hurt.
3. The world is fucked, unjust, never resolved issues of the past and present
As I've said, most of my life sucked and in addition to the social failures (which is a big reason for my wanting to ctb), I've had situations where I was always the underdog, the butt of jokes, people didn't take me seriously, treated me like shit, including my own father and family. Fuck people who say well it's in the past! Bullshit, the same or similar shit still happens in present day goddamn it! I still don't get taken seriously when I talk of a subject that I have authority in, I get patronizing lectures by people around me (very oftenly), people still see me as a weakling and incompetent, worst of all, fucking goody two shoes people (mainly religious types but secular ones too) that just want to feel good about sticking their morality down my throat and life. I figured the world is not fair, life isn't fair, but the least I can do is ctb so I never have to deal with it. Better dead and no long dealing with shit than alive and suffering through the same shit past, present, and future.
4. Not looking forward to wageslaving and stuff
We all know that we have to work and do productive things to earn a living just so we can survive. However, I'm not interested in slaving away just to exist for what, 30, 40, 50 years or maybe longer if one cannot retire in their late 60's or something. Furthermore, it is quite hilariously pathetic and sad that people who know me assume that I'm going to be some white collar professional working in an office making six figures and what not. They assume a lot of things without evidence. Hell, I don't forsee myself being financially and professionally successful. Even if I had all the money to do a lot of things, it won't really solve all my problems or bring me lots of happiness. I mean, sure I'll probably have more methods at my disposal, but I've already my method so that's moot. I rather just earn enough to live comfortably, pursue some of my hobbies and have enough for some entertainment and that's it. I don't care for what society deems to be successful (big house, high paying job, wife, yacht, nice car, etc.).
5. Failed passions and dreams
During childhood and even through early college, I've always wanted to pursue my passion of becoming a great musician. However, all of that was shattered when faced with the reality of the situation, where you'd have to be exceptionally talented to get into a good music conservatory, then let alone know the right people, win the right competitions, and much more before one even has a chance to make a name for themselves to be successful in the music field (or get really lucky, win the music lottery -- pun intended). That of course never happened, and my dreams of putting forth video game music that I wanted fell through since I always been a sheet music/theory based person rather than play by ear (which is another skill that requires one to have a good ear + aural skills). Knowing that I am unable to fulfill this goal and coupled with the fact that recently I've been suffering even in performance (either due to anxiety or just some other ailment) makes me want to ctb even more. I have been getting worse and cannot seem to pinpoint the actual problem.
6. Don't want to live until old and die of infirmity and disease
I'd rather ctb and die with dignity than get old and die in an assisted living facility at the mercy of the hospice workers, healthcare workers. Fuck that shit, that is torment and anguish and having to rely on others for even basic needs and activities. If anything, I'd rather die while I'm young and physically capable to make decisions as well as ctb.
7. How I really despise society and government for not legalizing or at least decriminalizing suicide.
I get that governments want their people to stay alive so they can keep the system going and what not. However, the whole idea of forcing the suicidal against their will is not only unconstitutional (violation of due process) but also just downright inhumane, the shitty treatment of people in their care, and then slapping a huge medical bill for services that the patient never agreed to nor consented to. At least decriminalize and stop involuntary commitment for people who only deem a risk or danger TO THEMSELVES. But no, let's just stigmatize the subject and act of suicide, force people against their will while slapping them a hefty medical bill and taking away their civil rights (firearms and what not) because that will teach them. Seriously fuck society and government for allowing this to happen. If such things happened to me, I'd ctb faster than a bullet train at full speed.
If you have any questions or want clarifications on my story, rant, and my reasoning, feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer/address them. I made this thread just to elaborate on my reasoning of why I've given up and why recovery isn't a viable option for me. I've pretty much just vent dumped all my emotions into one thread.
