Experiencing social rejection so young contributes a lot to me being suicidal in adulthood

[FireFox]

I am 27 and growing up I didn't know where I really belonged this is why I feel life isn't for me. My parents are Immigrants ( African culture) and I was born here in the UK. Growing up with family from different culture whatever problems I had as teenager growing up in the UK my family couldn't relete nor knew how to deal with it . For example my family couldn't understand why it was a massive deal for me to fit in at school because in African culture school education is highly valued in families and going to school to learn is regarded as a privilege since many kids cant afford it.

Whenever I visited my parents home country I always feel like an outsider because I have nothing in common with my relatives as a result of growing up in the UK and living western culture. The popular home dishes my relatives love I don't like the same goes with the music, the gossip culture and deeply social Conservative country my parents country is. I am very respectful open minded about other people's beliefs but at heart I am free spirited liberal and feminist. My relatives always just see me as some kid who lives in the UK with no real interest in wanting to know me it shows in their behaviour. My relatives gossiping and laughing about my mental problems when I was a teenager also made showed me at a young age that everyone sees me as the freak of the family.

At school I struggled to fit in, was regularly builled and didn't have a strong friendship group the other kids at school had. The main friends I did have a school said mean things about me when I was not around and I had to find out from the someone else. These friends at times excluded me from the group and even allowed a new girl to push me out of the group. Throughout year 7 to sixth-form I went through many periods of hanging different people to having no friends at all. A lot of the time I was lonely at school and never really had friends.

I experienced being abandoned by friends once they had bfs or their love life becoming their new life because it was like everyone else was growing up except me and my friends saw me as someone they didn't need anymore. I experienced this both in secondary school and university.When I was at my last university I befriended with a woman in my law class. During first year we were really close and we talked regularly then second year came all she kept talking about was this man she has been messaging and had a crush on. At times I felt left out of the group because my friend and another classmate would talk about the men in their lives while I was more interested in my law degree course.

The same friend when it came to final year ended up lashing out at me when I experienced some concerns about the relationship she had with the man she liked. I had some suspicions the man was married. I was a different person at 21 and used to think age gap relationships were creepy.

The man was in 40s and had a professional job as a cardiologist while my friend was just an unemployed university student in her 20s. I questioned why a man in such a professional job is not with a woman his own age and with a succesful career. It was even more creepy because the man was a family friend my friend knew all her life.

She got so mad at me for asking "are you sure he is not married?" I later learnt the man she liked was a family friend in his 40s which she knew all her life. She said to me " I have known him all my life, my family would never lie to me "
She got so fucking defensive it was so disturbing she acted as if I murdered someone. She looked down upon me for being single and mocked me for it.

A lot of social exclusion I have experienced throughout my life along with being rejected by men and things never working out constantly made me feel life just isn't for me and I don't belong here in this world. Why was I born so different and unable to fit in anywhere.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

She got so mad at me for asking "are you sure he is not married?" I later learnt the man she liked was a family friend in his 40s which she knew all her life. She said to me " I have known him all my life, my family would never lie to me "
She got so fucking defensive it was so disturbing she acted as if I murdered someone. She looked down upon me for being single and mocked me for it.

Sounds like she was being groomed and she probably lashed out at you partly due to this. I wouldn't get too hung up over it. Hopefully, she isn't seeing anymore.

As for the other stuff, have you tried maybe looking into any communities where you could interact with other children of immigrants, especially those who happen to have African parents? Maybe they'll be able to relate to you better.

 

[alienfreak]

I didnt have the cultural/immigration aspect but suffered much of the same social issues. Never could make real friends. A life characterised by isolation, exclusion, distance, rejection. Deep in my soul I still remember the feeling of walking around school during break times having no friend group, walking around aimlessly trying to kill time. My mind was mutilated by the public school system and the artificially created social situations it imposed on me

 

[FireFox]

Sounds like she was being groomed and she probably lashed out at you partly due to this. I wouldn't get too hung up over it. Hopefully, she isn't seeing anymore.

As for the other stuff, have you tried maybe looking into any communities where you could interact with other children of immigrants, especially those who happen to have African parents? Maybe they'll be able to relate to you better.

@EvisceratedJester At time she lashed out on me I was beginning to experience my suicidal thoughts. During my final year of university when I told her I was suicidal and she judged me for it and later on began to avoid me at university and even got others in the class to do the same.

I graduated university on time whereas she didn't. She didn't graduate because she failed an assignment during spring and had to resit the assignment during the summer which meant she missed the summer graduation . The university takes time to mark and grade assignments.

She knew I was suicidal and struggling throughout the year but she never cared and never checked up on me. It was so hard because I always there for her as a friend and looked out for her.

Rescently I found an online community for people to share their struggles of having African parents and it has been helpful.

I just found the relationship she had with the man so bizzare. The man was not British and didn't really live in the same city as my friend which was why she didn't meet the man regularly in person and talked to him via social media a lot. My friend and the man were both Congolese.

A family friend should know better than to be messaging their friends kids. This is what puzzled me a lot.

When I told my grandmother she believed I was right to have concerns and believed the man was married too.

My grandmother explained that African men ( NOT ALL) do have have wives and children back home and use women living in the UK or Western for purposes of getting stay in the UK and the families of these men play a role in assisting in this visa scamming. My grandmother and mother know women in their community this has happened too.

I didnt have the cultural/immigration aspect but suffered much of the same social issues. Never could make real friends. A life characterised by isolation, exclusion, distance, rejection. Deep in my soul I still remember the feeling of walking around school during break times having no friend group, walking around aimlessly trying to kill time. My mind was mutilated by the public school system and the artificially created social situations it imposed on me

@alienfreak virtual hug sorry you went through that. It is so shocking how secondary school/ high school gets romantised by older people and the media. Older people think I am crazy when i say I don't miss secondary school.

Not everyone had the time of their lives in school. The problem with society is of you don't fit in with the crowd people will exclude you or male your life hell but most people in society don't understand how it feels to struggle to fit in with the crowd. This behaviour starts at a young age enabled by parents and adults in authority.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

@EvisceratedJester At time she lashed out on me I was beginning to experience my suicidal thoughts. During my final year of university when I told her I was suicidal and she judged me for it and later on began to avoid me at university and even got others in the class to do the same.

I graduated university on time whereas she didn't. She didn't graduate because she failed an assignment during spring and had to resit the assignment during the summer which meant she missed the summer graduation . The university takes time to mark and grade assignments.

She knew I was suicidal and struggling throughout the year but she never cared and never checked up on me. It was so hard because I always there for her as a friend and looked out for her.

Rescently I found an online community for people to share their struggles of having African parents and it has been helpful.

I just found the relationship she had with the man so bizzare. The man was not British and didn't really live in the same city as my friend which was why she didn't meet the man regularly in person and talked to him via social media a lot. My friend and the man were both Congolese.

When I told my grandmother she believed I was right to have concerns and believed the man was married too.

My grandmother explained that African men ( NOT ALL) do have have wives and children back home and use women living in the UK or Western for purposes of getting stay in the UK and the families of these men play a role in assisting in this visa scamming. My grandmother and mother know women in their community this has happened too.

Oh yeah, I know about the whole thing where they use western women. My aunt had actually fallen for that despite my mom warning her. She even travelled down to his country to visit him, which ended in her instead spending most of her time with his cousin or something who was trying to distract her.

Also, sorry about the fact that she was a total asshole towards you.

 

[FireFox]

Oh yeah, I know about the whole thing where they use western women. My aunt had actually fallen for that despite my mom warning her. She even travelled down to his country to visit him, which ended in her instead spending most of her time with his cousin or something who was trying to distract her.

Also, sorry about the fact that she was a total asshole towards you.

I genuinely thought I really did something wrong for having suspicions about the man and raising my concerns with my friend. I felt so guilty for it. At the time we were both 21 year old university students.

Only years later I realised that it was wrong for a fully grown family friend to messaging their friends kids and being involved with them in that way. I also realied my friends family were not good parents knowing their friend was messaging their daughter like this and allowed to happen .

 

[Leiot]

At school I struggled to fit in, was regularly builled and didn't have a strong friendship group the other kids at school had. The main friends I did have a school said mean things about me when I was not around and I had to find out from the someone else. These friends at times excluded me from the group and even allowed a new girl to push me out of the group. Throughout year 7 to sixth-form I went through many periods of hanging different people to having no friends at all. A lot of the time I was lonely at school and never really had friends.

I don't know about other people but I never seemed to fit in. I was one of those 'smart' kids that was excluded from the group the popular people were in. They weren't mean or anything, I just wasn't invited in. I've always felt like I belonged somewhere else.

Kids in high school can be just horrible to each other. You'd think learning to function in society wouldn't bring out the worst in people but it does. And they tend to be the loudest ones. The people who accept you are usually the quiet ones.

I thought being in the UK they'd be past that sort of discrimination but I guess not. Sorry, I hope it gets better.

 

[FireFox]

I don't know about other people but I never seemed to fit in. I was one of those 'smart' kids that was excluded from the group the popular people were in. They weren't mean or anything, I just wasn't invited in. I've always felt like I belonged somewhere else.

Kids in high school can be just horrible to each other. You'd think learning to function in society wouldn't bring out the worst in people but it does. And they tend to be the loudest ones. The people who accept you are usually the quiet ones.

I thought being in the UK they'd be past that sort of discrimination but I guess not. Sorry, I hope it gets better.

@Leiot When I was child I had a close group of friends who went to the same primary school as me. During the weekends I went to their houses and I was invited to their birthday parties. I really enjoyed my childhood. My problems began in secondary school

When I went to secondary school my friends from primary school went to different secondary schools in the area except for one friend. When I was in primary school I was really close to this friend. I went to her house on the weekends, she used to invite me to parties and we hung out regularly in school but she changed when we went to secondary school.

In the 1st term of Yr7 she got a boyfriend and new friends and stopped hanging out with me. She stopped inviting me to her house and her parties which hurt because we lived in the same neighbourhood.

Losing her was difficult because I was regularly builled in school, struggled to fit in and I really needed a friend. She knew all this.

She then began to behave like just the kids who were bullying me. One day at school before class we were all queuing and wanting for the teacher to call us. The area we were queuing in had both the boys and girls toilets. The door to the boys toilets was open and my friend pushed me in as a joke .

When i tried to leave the boys toliets all the other kids then joined in preventing me from leaving by pushing me back in the boys toilets room. The teacher came and I managed to leave.

My mum was mad at me for not telling the teacher but I didn't want to tell on my friend.

I made another friend in school but she changed when got a makeover which made her really pretty and noticed at school. She became not nice towards me. The next group of friends I had excluded me at times from the group and said mean things behind my back.

In secondary school I went through many periods not having friends and just being by myself. It forced me to talk to other people in school and get to know people. In adulthood I had to do it again.

 

[Leiot]

@FireFox, I wish high school taught people how to be decent human beings instead of how to be popular.