Venting existing as a woman makes me suicidal.

[Toji]

im sorry for this rant/vent i really dont know how to cope with anything and nobody in my life currently understands how i feel i just get called weird or delusional, im not sure if this is the right place to actually post this but i dont know.

i've felt this way since i was 12 years old, i'm almost 21 now and i still feel like this, i've always wished i was born a male, when i look at my body and the parts i have i gag or most times i throw up or just want to grab the nearest knife and stab myself, it's gotten so bad im afraid of showering or taking my clothes off because i just can't look at myself without feeling pure disgust, hatred and suicidal thoughts. in the past ive cut myself over feeling this way i still get those thoughts but ive been clean for two years.
i haven't had a period since i was 14 and i felt a little more normal because of that, although my breasts and genitalia still really bothered me and ive cried myself to sleep on multiple occasions just because of that.
and 3 weeks ago i got diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome, i got put on medication to cause a period and i have to take these meds every 3 months for 2 weeks, i thought i would be fine because its supposed to help me but i forgot how bad it used to make me feel having one, it only made my mental state and disgust towards myself and the female body much worse, just looking at the blood i just immediately throw up and have a mental breakdown, not because of nausea or anything but because of how grossed out i feel by it, the cramps feel like pure hell, im a woman and i really just don't like that, i have some online friends who always joke about that "oh you're a woman"
"shut up you're a woman" ..i know.. i don't want to be.. im not sure what i am, i use any pronouns and i desperately want breast removal and ovary removal maybe even a hysterectomy, i just don't like how id have to do all of these things to feel like i fit in into feel normal, im not sure if im non binary or whatever i am, i dont really care about any of those things much, id say i just want to be as neutral as possible, my own insecurities and hatred towards myself prevents me from leaving the house, i only leave to attempt doctors appointments with my grandma, i just feel uncomfortable on a daily basis and i have nobody to talk to about that i tried talking to my mom but she didn't want to understand got pissed off and just went into a sexist rant, im scared of being sexualised just because i was born as a woman, im scared i would get sexually assaulted just for existing, my family always wanted me to have kids, a family member of mine once said "a woman's only purpose in life is to just to push out kids and be a housewife" i dont like the idea of that and that isn't true but it seems like most of society thinks that, since a young age ive always said i never wanted kids because it just makes me want to end my life thinking about it,i always got told "you'll change your mind one day" i feel like i have an extreme fear of childbirth and pregnant, i feel grossed out start to have a panic attack and i nearly throw up just thinking about it, why was i born a woman? ..why?.
i just don't want to live like this but i don't know who i am, i once thought i was trans and went by he/him for a little while when i was 15, i didn't like that either, that also isn't me, im just a person i guess i don't want to exist as both but i wish i had a flat chest and penis or no genitalia at all, i might have gender dysphoria but can you still feel like that if you're not trans?


i honestly feel like ending my life would fix everything and maybe then i'll finally feel self acceptance in death.

 

[We Are Angels]

I'm sorry. Gender dysphoria is a soul-crushing experience. I'm guessing you live in a very conservative area? It might help moving some place where women are respected more.

Hormone therapy could potentially alleviate some dysphoria and I think some insurance companies will cover surgeries in the US, if you go that route.

 

[Toji]

I'm sorry. Gender dysphoria is a soul-crushing experience. I'm guessing you live in a very conservative area? It might help moving some place where women are respected more.

Hormone therapy could potentially alleviate some dysphoria and I think some insurance companies will cover surgeries in the US, if you go that route.

thank you

i live in a rural countryside in a country called wales in the UK which doesn't exactly have the best healthcare since it's mostly free, i have considered moving to the US since it seems like it has a better system, though i'm not sure, i have a LDR partner who lives there so i could put that into consideration aswell, i just desperately want to make these feelings go away and just feel like i can fit in, im not sure how i'll get started but i want to atleast try before i make any more attempts on my own life, im pretty scared of that so i really do want to see if i can get better or if i have any other options before i think more about that

 

[EvisceratedJester]

the cramps feel like pure hell, im a woman and i really just don't like that, i have some online friends who always joke about that "oh you're a woman"
"shut up you're a woman"

First off, cramps aren't supposed to hurt that much. They should cause mild discomfort at most. If your cramps are hurting a lot than that's likely because of your PCOS and you should tell your gynecologist about it.

Secondly, friends don't say shit like "shut up, you're a woman" to each other. They aren't your friends, they're just sexist assholes.

Thirdly, depending on where you live you can look into getting a diagnoses for gender dysphoria, therapy for it, and even try looking into gender affirming care. I have heard of non-binary individuals who have talked about wanting to be completely neutral and having a lot of feelings that are similar to yours regarding their gender (feeling uncomfortable and even disgusted with their agab but also not feeling comfortable with identifying as the opposite gender). If that's not an option, then you can at least maybe look into just presenting yourself in a more gender ambiguous manner and you can try talking to your doctor about being put on birth control to see if that at least helps to alleviate a bit of your distress.

Here's some stuff about being non-binary and figuring out your gender identity:

How Do I Know If I’m Nonbinary?

If you've ever wondered what it means to be nonbinary, this guide is for you.

www.them.us

How to know if you are non-binary - LGBTQ Nation

If you identify as neither male nor female, you might be wondering if you are non-binary. Click through to learn more about what it means to be NB.

www.lgbtqnation.com

How Do I Know if I'm Non-Binary? Questions to Ask Yourself! — DR Z PHD

One of the ways to distinguish nonbinary identity from other gender identities is its emphasis on none exclusivity. Meaning, a person neither feels exclusively female nor male gender identity. The nonexclusive way of relating to your gender identity is a cornerstone of the nonbinary identity. To h

www.google.com

 

[rocketman99]

thank you

i live in a rural countryside in a country called wales in the UK which doesn't exactly have the best healthcare since it's mostly free, i have considered moving to the US since it seems like it has a better system, though i'm not sure, i have a LDR partner who lives there so i could put that into consideration aswell, i just desperately want to make these feelings go away and just feel like i can fit in, im not sure how i'll get started but i want to atleast try before i make any more attempts on my own life, im pretty scared of that so i really do want to see if i can get better or if i have any other options before i think more about that

The US has one of the worst healthcare systems in the 'west'. Even worse than the NHS. If you can find yourself a LGBQT-friendly therapist to talk all this through with, they might be able to help you understand what you want; what your identity is. Probably quite difficult to find in Rural Wales, but help is out there, some of it on the NHS. I would pursue this as far as you can before CTB as you can find a way to feel more comfortable with yourself with the right help.

 

[Toji]

First off, cramps aren't supposed to hurt that much. They should cause mild discomfort at most. If your cramps are hurting a lot than that's likely because of your PCOS and you should tell your gynecologist about it.

Secondly, friends don't say shit like "shut up, you're a woman" to each other. They aren't your friends, they're just sexist assholes.

Thirdly, depending on where you live you can look into getting a diagnoses for gender dysphoria, therapy for it, and even try looking into gender affirming care. I have heard of non-binary individuals who have talked about wanting to be completely neutral and having a lot of feelings that are similar to yours regarding their gender (feeling uncomfortable and even disgusted with their agab but also not feeling comfortable with identifying as the opposite gender). If that's not an option, then you can at least maybe look into just presenting yourself in a more gender ambiguous manner and you can try talking to your doctor about being put on birth control to see if that at least helps to alleviate a bit of your distress.

Here's some stuff about being non-binary and figuring out your gender identity:

How Do I Know If I’m Nonbinary?

If you've ever wondered what it means to be nonbinary, this guide is for you.

www.them.us

How to know if you are non-binary - LGBTQ Nation

If you identify as neither male nor female, you might be wondering if you are non-binary. Click through to learn more about what it means to be NB.

www.lgbtqnation.com

How Do I Know if I'm Non-Binary? Questions to Ask Yourself! — DR Z PHD

One of the ways to distinguish nonbinary identity from other gender identities is its emphasis on none exclusivity. Meaning, a person neither feels exclusively female nor male gender identity. The nonexclusive way of relating to your gender identity is a cornerstone of the nonbinary identity. To h

www.google.com

thank you so much, truly, this made me feel a bit better

i'll look into these things and read over them

again, thank you

The US has one of the worst healthcare systems in the 'west'. Even worse than the NHS. If you can find yourself a LGBQT-friendly therapist to talk all this through with, they might be able to help you understand what you want; what your identity is. Probably quite difficult to find in Rural Wales, but help is out there, some of it on the NHS. I would pursue this as far as you can before CTB as you can find a way to feel more comfortable with yourself with the right help.

i'll have a look at some of the options that are available here in the uk, though im not fully sure where to start but i'll try and do some research, thank you

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I think you should do as another user has said and that's to look at a therapist. I had a gender therapist that was trans.

I had gender issues for years, and I socially transitioned, changed my name legally etc. During this time, I was having trauma therapy (a different therapist) and one day, a year later, I woke up as if everything was a dream. Turns out, all the gender issues were overlooking the abuse I'd suffered and hadn't dealt with.

I de-transitioned and changed my name back etc. I am *so* lucky I didn't go to a gender psychiatrist and get on testosterone and have my breasts etc removed, because it is very easy.

The 'support' I had was online, and every single person was abused, like myself. It is evidently a trauma response. All these people did was tell me what to say to the psychiatrist so he'd believe me, and give me a prescription for testosterone etc. It was awful actually.

I'm lucky, because I've spoken to others that have SURGICALLY transitioned and regretted it years later, they now want to be the sex they are, but it is too late. There are loads of people out there like it, but the trans community won't allow it to be talked about, sad really. De-transitioners are real. Very real, and there are a lot more there than you think. I used to think I was born in the wrong body, and disgusted with myself, but now I know why. And it's important to understand why you perceive yourself that way

I still have times when I want to shrink and look manly etc, but I no longer have confusion over what sex I want to be (although you can never change your sex, just the outer shell so you look like a different one). This was years ago now, and I realise it is due to severe childhood trauma. A particular trauma.

So I'm saying, be very careful. Very. See a therapist, talk it through. Wouldn't recommend doing that online, there is far too much toxic shit regarding this flying about.

I hope it gets better for you

 

[Toji]

I think you should do as another user has said and that's to look at a therapist. I had a gender therapist that was trans.

I had gender issues for years, and I socially transitioned, changed my name legally etc. During this time, I was having trauma therapy (a different therapist) and one day, a year later, I woke up as if everything was a dream. Turns out, all the gender issues were overlooking the abuse I'd suffered and hadn't dealt with.

I de-transitioned and changed my name back etc. I am *so* lucky I didn't go to a gender psychiatrist and get on testosterone and have my breasts etc removed, because it is very easy.

The 'support' I had was online, and every single person was abused, like myself. It is evidently a trauma response. All these people did was tell me what to say to the psychiatrist so he'd believe me, and give me a prescription for testosterone etc. It was awful actually.

I'm lucky, because I've spoken to others that have SURGICALLY transitioned and regretted it years later, they now want to be the sex they are, but it is too late. There are loads of people out there like it, but the trans community won't allow it to be talked about, sad really. De-transitioners are real. Very real, and there are a lot more there than you think. I used to think I was born in the wrong body, and disgusted with myself, but now I know why. And it's important to understand why you perceive yourself that way

I still have times when I want to shrink and look manly etc, but I no longer have confusion over what sex I want to be (although you can never change your sex, just the outer shell so you look like a different one). This was years ago now, and I realise it is due to severe childhood trauma. A particular trauma.

So I'm saying, be very careful. Very. See a therapist, talk it through. Wouldn't recommend doing that online, there is far too much toxic shit regarding this flying about.

I hope it gets better for you

thank you so much、i hope things get better too, im pretty scared to go to a therapist after bad experiences in the past but ill do some digging, see what's best for me and i will try it out again

im glad i got this off of my chest it's been building up for so many years now and im so thankful for these supportive replies, they really mean a lot to me

thank you

 

[backtoearth]

i'll have a look at some of the options that are available here in the uk, though im not fully sure where to start but i'll try and do some research, thank you

I don't know how useful this will be but I was brought up in rural Scotland so I understand where you are coming from when it comes to the NHS, if you have a GP (that is not a bigot) they would be the first person to go and see as they are the ones that can refer you to gender services. If you open up to them about how you feel about your assigned gender and the amount of discomfort it brings you, and that you would like to see a gender specialist, they should just send a letter to whichever service is closest to you and then it is a waiting game from there. They may also refer you to a mental health service to be assessed for gender dysphoria - which is the diagnosis you would need to access any hormones or surgeries - but from what you are describing in this post you should not have an issue meeting those requirements, and it is just two appointments so if psych services are intimidating hopefully the fact that it is a short time is reassuring. I will warn you that waiting lists have gotten out of control (up here anyways) so you would have plenty of time to consider and try to understand what would make you the most comfortable. Some places take self-referrals but I'm not sure what services there are in Wales.

But I wish you the best in your journey, and I hope you find comfort in your body someday <3

 

[Unspoken7612]

The wait for Gender services can be really rough. You are describing gender dysphoria though, with elements of depression in there too. While being trans can be difficult, you can also get through it and have hope that things will be better in the future. Many trans people go on to live full and happy lives once they have access appropriate healthcare.

I recommend trying to find a trans community online, e.g.: https://www.reddit.com/r/transgenderUK/, both for the support and for the sense of community.

 

[mango-meridian]

I think you should do as another user has said and that's to look at a therapist. I had a gender therapist that was trans.

I had gender issues for years, and I socially transitioned, changed my name legally etc. During this time, I was having trauma therapy (a different therapist) and one day, a year later, I woke up as if everything was a dream. Turns out, all the gender issues were overlooking the abuse I'd suffered and hadn't dealt with.

I de-transitioned and changed my name back etc. I am *so* lucky I didn't go to a gender psychiatrist and get on testosterone and have my breasts etc removed, because it is very easy.

The 'support' I had was online, and every single person was abused, like myself. It is evidently a trauma response. All these people did was tell me what to say to the psychiatrist so he'd believe me, and give me a prescription for testosterone etc. It was awful actually.

I'm lucky, because I've spoken to others that have SURGICALLY transitioned and regretted it years later, they now want to be the sex they are, but it is too late. There are loads of people out there like it, but the trans community won't allow it to be talked about, sad really. De-transitioners are real. Very real, and there are a lot more there than you think. I used to think I was born in the wrong body, and disgusted with myself, but now I know why. And it's important to understand why you perceive yourself that way

I still have times when I want to shrink and look manly etc, but I no longer have confusion over what sex I want to be (although you can never change your sex, just the outer shell so you look like a different one). This was years ago now, and I realise it is due to severe childhood trauma. A particular trauma.

So I'm saying, be very careful. Very. See a therapist, talk it through. Wouldn't recommend doing that online, there is far too much toxic shit regarding this flying about.

I hope it gets better for you

I'm dealing with some things similar to OP (but as an MtF person). I appreciated you giving your thoughts here because I want to hear from all perspectives and experiences, including detransitioners.

I'd ask you via DM (so that I don't make the thread off topic) but I don't think you have DMs enabled. So I'll ask here. Do you have any info on what types of healing, therapy, or treatment helped you? Was it basically that you had to heal/integrate the trauma that was making you feel so disgusted and wrong in your body? And do you have any theories on how the trauma might differ for an MtF person?