Existence is such a fucking nightmare.

[RainAndSadness]

Literally. When I'm awake, I feel anxious, guilty and depressed. I can't do anything. I'm unable to take care of myself. I have to force myself to take showers and eat. Even the most simple tasks are difficult hurdles for me. I can't even keep up acquaintances because of my depression because I'm unable to engage in normal conversations. Even simply talking to people is already too much for me and it's my fault that we're drifting apart. I can't contribute anything to the people around me or to society. When I have to leave the house because I have appointments, it's even worse. Being around people makes me feel insecure and weak. It triggers my social anxiety. And I'm just stressed out. Doing drugs doesn't help me either, it's a quick and meaningless distraction. When I sleep, I'm haunted by nightmares. Even when I'm not awake, I can't get a break. These nightmares range from failing suicide attempts to being chased down by supernatural entities in old, large houses. I dream about my past very often, about the time in school. I'm often younger in my dreams and my mind is probably trying to process the past. The bullying and the apathetic behavior of my parents. But I don't have positive dreams. They just don't exist and I don't even feel save in my sleep. Literally anything is painful. And I want to escape it. But even the idea of committing suicide sounds drastic. What will happen after? I don't know. Is never-ending nothingness welcoming? I guess. It sounds peaceful and easy but at the same time, I don't know. My survival instinct goes off and I have to convince myself that it's the right way. I know it's the right way because I'm hopeless. The idea of suicide is consuming me. It started off as an insignificant seed a few years ago and it seems to be the only solution. It became a priority during the last few years when I realized that nothing can help me. When I realized that my transition isn't gonna magically fix all my problems and that even doctors seem overwhelmed with my situation. Suicide is all I think about and I dropped all my plans for the future because of that. I don't think about 2020. I can't fathom it. And while I am doubting death, I think it's the only escape to my situation. if I continue this life, all I'm gonna experience is more pain and more suffering.

It's so fucked.

 

[throwaway123]

I know how you feel. I wish I knew what to say but I don't.
The past few weeks I've set my sights on a date to CTB but I've only now realized that I can't do it. My survival instinct is still too strong. I ask myself: Is this not enough?
I don't know what the fuck I am supposed to do. Nothing works.

I also noticed that the userbase is consantly changing. People don't stick around for long..but I do.
I don't know what to do

 

[deathenvoy]

It is like you described my very own day.

 

[ExitTheDay]

Those nightmares sound very peculiar and it sounds like something I've had before, but people chasing me who I've never met or even seen in my life, random people my mind creates just to fuck with me. I wake up questioning if I've ever seen these people ever in my life and it confuses the shit out of me leaving me dazed, also I'm sorry how you feel about your parents nobody should need to feel that about the people who brought them into this inexcusable world, I also feel you about not being able to have a normal conversation with people, I feel so socially deprived that I'm literally inept to even come up with anything to talk to people about, even my online friends, it's the fucking usual "hey, how are you?" bullshit but luckily they all understand me at least and I'm very grateful of that, hopefully you can come to terms with your pain and social anxiety... I wish you the best

 

[Xaphous]

I relate it's been a lifelong stuggle with social anxiety, being treat bad by others, not fitting in and the list goes on and on. I'm interested in your inner dialogue, meaning the voice in your head and the things you tell yourself internally. I'm reminded that I have told my self negative things about myself from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. This has made life much more unbearable. I have tortured myself with my own inner dialogue, but it's been automatic. That negative loosh is food for entities that love to keep us down in the lowest vibration possible. I take some comfort in knowing this world is not our true home and we are just visitors, shame it's a painful stay for so many and I've lost so many years I'm not sure I can recover. It's just an endurance of suffering until it's over, but it shouldn't be always or nearly always that way, it's supposed to be way more balanced. I don't know if I can endure it to the 'natural' end because life has never been normal or even bearable. I wish I had the right things to say to everyone to help put them on a better path but I haven't been able to do it for my own self so I don't want to unintentionally Insult anyone by trying to. It's clear there is too much stacked against me with helping myself but again I am atleast reminded myself today that refusing to keep telling myself negative things about myself over and over has helped quite a bit so it's like 85% nightmare instead of 99%. Today felt a little better than most other days because of that. I wish I had friends in person that were also hating life like me and maybe we could have helped each other.

 

[dandan]

. I'm reminded that I have told my self negative things about myself from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. This has made life much more unbearable. I have tortured myself with my own inner dialogue, but it's been automatic. That negative loosh is food for entities that love to keep us down in the lowest vibration

yeah buddy, know what you mean, im here too... like that... im not physically ill, or have pain
but that... .I have my issues and the negative self talk , haha automatic,,,
lets have a better day today, even if CTB is around the corner ok?

 

[memento_mori]

I've never had any long term plans because I've been thinking of ctb most of my life, it's really surprising I've lasted so long ...

 

[AutumnEmbers]

I can relate to so much of this. I too suffer from debilitating social (and generalised) anxiety, low self-esteem and depression that leave me feeling like I'm unable to contribute anything to the world. Like you, I can't even get any respite from my anxiety and emotional trauma in the few hours that I (generally) manage to sleep, due to constant bad dreams and nightmares (hence my signature). There are certain recurrent themes that appear in my dreams, often related to the bullying and ostracisation that I experienced for a time in school (someone told me recently that it sounds like I actually have PTSD from the whole experience). While my depression isn't too severe at the moment, I do experience regular bouts of MDD, so I know exactly how you feel with regards to having to force yourself to carry out the most basic of tasks (my insomnia and anxiety-induced fatigue leave me feeling like this as well), and being consumed with thoughts of suicide. I think the main reason I'm feeling somewhat calm at the moment regarding my decision to ctb, is that the date I've set for myself is still some time away. I do worry that, as the date approaches and I've obtained all the necessary supplies, I'll go back to feeling as traumatised and conflicted about it as you seem to be feeling now. My heart goes out to you, and to everyone else in this thread.

 

[itsallover]

Well put too afraid to live yet too afraid to die it's not a flaw to be fixed by doctors. It means we weren't meant to be here before the psychiatrists institutionalize or you're left with nothing.​

 

[Life sucks]

Life and existence is full of suffering. Others only lie to themselves about life and sugarcoat it.

It is a total nightmare, if anyone realize how life really is even from theoretical point of view, it is terrifying and that's on the reasons people don't think.
Practically, life is tedious and take a lot of energy, not everyone can do these daily stuff of life. People just assume everyone is a robot that is happy with life, no its full of suffering that nobody can experience but the sufferers

 

[H2H2]

Most of the people I know have lives I would be very happy living. I suppose their lives are not as tranquil as they look and theres some facade going on but they seem very worth the effort to me. They have mental health, friends, partners, a safe upbringing, jobs and civil rights that bring them enough ilussion of security to fool themselves and not be paranoid with how fragile life can really be and so on.

I think life can really be worth living if you are dealt an acceptable hand and are taught some basic rules and habits when you are developing. Or if you dont screw your life to the point of no return along the way. I would love to be able to go back in time and try again.

 

[AlePizarnik]

Literally. When I'm awake, I feel anxious, guilty and depressed. I can't do anything. I'm unable to take care of myself. I have to force myself to take showers and eat. Even the most simple tasks are difficult hurdles for me. I can't even keep up acquaintances because of my depression because I'm unable to engage in normal conversations. Even simply talking to people is already too much for me and it's my fault that we're drifting apart. I can't contribute anything to the people around me or to society. When I have to leave the house because I have appointments, it's even worse. Being around people makes me feel insecure and weak. It triggers my social anxiety. And I'm just stressed out. Doing drugs doesn't help me either, it's a quick and meaningless distraction. When I sleep, I'm haunted by nightmares. Even when I'm not awake, I can't get a break. These nightmares range from failing suicide attempts to being chased down by supernatural entities in old, large houses. I dream about my past very often, about the time in school. I'm often younger in my dreams and my mind is probably trying to process the past. The bullying and the apathetic behavior of my parents. But I don't have positive dreams. They just don't exist and I don't even feel save in my sleep. Literally anything is painful. And I want to escape it. But even the idea of committing suicide sounds drastic. What will happen after? I don't know. Is never-ending nothingness welcoming? I guess. It sounds peaceful and easy but at the same time, I don't know. My survival instinct goes off and I have to convince myself that it's the right way. I know it's the right way because I'm hopeless. The idea of suicide is consuming me. It started off as an insignificant seed a few years ago and it seems to be the only solution. It became a priority during the last few years when I realized that nothing can help me. When I realized that my transition isn't gonna magically fix all my problems and that even doctors seem overwhelmed with my situation. Suicide is all I think about and I dropped all my plans for the future because of that. I don't think about 2020. I can't fathom it. And while I am doubting death, I think it's the only escape to my situation. if I continue this life, all I'm gonna experience is more pain and more suffering.

It's so fucked.

OP This is LITERALLY me. I could have written this it is scary

 

[Anxiety/depression]

I have never related to a post as much as this struck home in my heart

 

[Scribble Fan]

Wow, thanks for putting everything I'm feeling into words for me.

I'm almost convinced existence is a form of purgatory sometimes.

 

[Anxiety/depression]

Wow, thanks for putting everything I'm feeling into words for me.

I'm almost convinced existence is a form of purgatory sometimes.

Maybe our actual selves are dead and we are in limbo serving out purgatory before death is the gateway to heaven. I personally dont believe in an afterlife but to one their own i guess

 

[jordan01]

Literally. When I'm awake, I feel anxious, guilty and depressed. I can't do anything. I'm unable to take care of myself. I have to force myself to take showers and eat. Even the most simple tasks are difficult hurdles for me. I can't even keep up acquaintances because of my depression because I'm unable to engage in normal conversations. Even simply talking to people is already too much for me and it's my fault that we're drifting apart. I can't contribute anything to the people around me or to society. When I have to leave the house because I have appointments, it's even worse. Being around people makes me feel insecure and weak. It triggers my social anxiety. And I'm just stressed out. Doing drugs doesn't help me either, it's a quick and meaningless distraction. When I sleep, I'm haunted by nightmares. Even when I'm not awake, I can't get a break. These nightmares range from failing suicide attempts to being chased down by supernatural entities in old, large houses. I dream about my past very often, about the time in school. I'm often younger in my dreams and my mind is probably trying to process the past. The bullying and the apathetic behavior of my parents. But I don't have positive dreams. They just don't exist and I don't even feel save in my sleep. Literally anything is painful. And I want to escape it. But even the idea of committing suicide sounds drastic. What will happen after? I don't know. Is never-ending nothingness welcoming? I guess. It sounds peaceful and easy but at the same time, I don't know. My survival instinct goes off and I have to convince myself that it's the right way. I know it's the right way because I'm hopeless. The idea of suicide is consuming me. It started off as an insignificant seed a few years ago and it seems to be the only solution. It became a priority during the last few years when I realized that nothing can help me. When I realized that my transition isn't gonna magically fix all my problems and that even doctors seem overwhelmed with my situation. Suicide is all I think about and I dropped all my plans for the future because of that. I don't think about 2020. I can't fathom it. And while I am doubting death, I think it's the only escape to my situation. if I continue this life, all I'm gonna experience is more pain and more suffering.

It's so fucked.

Apart from the dreams this is me down to the last detail.

 

[DoomedxFromBirth]

Very relatable.

 

[LifeIsNotFun]

I feel the same OP, and don't ever feel alone.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

Wow; @RainAndSadness . I have not read a post in a while that I related to more than yours. You literally described my exact feelings. It fucking sucks & I don't know how much longer I can do this.

 

[thrwaway99]

Have you tried relaxation? Me and my gf spend hours just lying side by side now that it's warm outside, if you got someone ask them to chill maybe, other people and nature are grounding

 

[Numbtopain97]

I totally relate to this.

 

[Bluefish]

Even normal nightmares are better than living because they dont last forever. When you wake up the true nightmare begins :/

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yeah I can relate to all that. Too afraid to live to afraid to die and don't know what to do. Time eventually catches up with all of us though.

 

[Avery Jordan]

Literally. When I'm awake, I feel anxious, guilty and depressed. I can't do anything. I'm unable to take care of myself. I have to force myself to take showers and eat. Even the most simple tasks are difficult hurdles for me. I can't even keep up acquaintances because of my depression because I'm unable to engage in normal conversations. Even simply talking to people is already too much for me and it's my fault that we're drifting apart. I can't contribute anything to the people around me or to society. When I have to leave the house because I have appointments, it's even worse. Being around people makes me feel insecure and weak. It triggers my social anxiety. And I'm just stressed out. Doing drugs doesn't help me either, it's a quick and meaningless distraction. When I sleep, I'm haunted by nightmares. Even when I'm not awake, I can't get a break. These nightmares range from failing suicide attempts to being chased down by supernatural entities in old, large houses. I dream about my past very often, about the time in school. I'm often younger in my dreams and my mind is probably trying to process the past. The bullying and the apathetic behavior of my parents. But I don't have positive dreams. They just don't exist and I don't even feel save in my sleep. Literally anything is painful. And I want to escape it. But even the idea of committing suicide sounds drastic. What will happen after? I don't know. Is never-ending nothingness welcoming? I guess. It sounds peaceful and easy but at the same time, I don't know. My survival instinct goes off and I have to convince myself that it's the right way. I know it's the right way because I'm hopeless. The idea of suicide is consuming me. It started off as an insignificant seed a few years ago and it seems to be the only solution. It became a priority during the last few years when I realized that nothing can help me. When I realized that my transition isn't gonna magically fix all my problems and that even doctors seem overwhelmed with my situation. Suicide is all I think about and I dropped all my plans for the future because of that. I don't think about 2020. I can't fathom it. And while I am doubting death, I think it's the only escape to my situation. if I continue this life, all I'm gonna experience is more pain and more suffering.

It's so fucked.

Yeah thats royally fucked up.

 

[JSauter]

Yes, I feel the same. Exactly the same. The upside is, this wears my SI so thin that it will be of no consequence soon enough.