lucid
antinatalist specialist
- Jun 29, 2019
- 177
I didn't expect to be posting again so soon but I need to get my thoughts out somewhere that people aren't absolutely tired of me droning on and on about. Even typing this I just feel like it's so pointless to talk about, why am I bothering.
I've been down a really dark path lately, darker than usual. I've been drinking a lot more and resorting to terrible methods of coping with the thoughts of my ex/s and lack of a current relationship. So far every one I've gotten into hasn't even had time to fully bloom before it goes kaput. Something always has to go wrong, whether it be my fault or something else's. I always have enough time to get attached until the last minute where everything falls apart any my heart is torn into shreds. By that I absolutely do not imply it was intentional on my ex's part, although my first ex was a bit of a handful and I wasn't truly ready for what she already had on her plate both in general and at the time. Then again there was some selfish prick trying his best to ruin my efforts just so he could have her instead.
Though lately I've been severely brought down by the thoughts of my recent ex. It was a perfect relationship. No issues, no arguments, no nothing. Until one night, I get the text saying "I've lost feelings for you," to put it short. The first thing I did was lock myself in the bathroom, sit in the tub and cry. It's all I could do. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. That same night I considered jumping off the bridge about 30 minutes from me. I was even heading towards it, but I stopped. I don't know why, but I couldn't do it. I just came back home and cried more. Why am I so pathetic to the point I can't even have the confidence to end my poor excuse of life when it feels like my entire world has come crashing down on me?
For once, I just want a relationship that lasts longer than a fucking month. For once, I just want things to go right. Is that too much to ask? I'm sick and tired of finally feeling happy, finally feeling like my life has some meaning only for it to be fucking ripped away from me.
I've been down a really dark path lately, darker than usual. I've been drinking a lot more and resorting to terrible methods of coping with the thoughts of my ex/s and lack of a current relationship. So far every one I've gotten into hasn't even had time to fully bloom before it goes kaput. Something always has to go wrong, whether it be my fault or something else's. I always have enough time to get attached until the last minute where everything falls apart any my heart is torn into shreds. By that I absolutely do not imply it was intentional on my ex's part, although my first ex was a bit of a handful and I wasn't truly ready for what she already had on her plate both in general and at the time. Then again there was some selfish prick trying his best to ruin my efforts just so he could have her instead.
Though lately I've been severely brought down by the thoughts of my recent ex. It was a perfect relationship. No issues, no arguments, no nothing. Until one night, I get the text saying "I've lost feelings for you," to put it short. The first thing I did was lock myself in the bathroom, sit in the tub and cry. It's all I could do. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. That same night I considered jumping off the bridge about 30 minutes from me. I was even heading towards it, but I stopped. I don't know why, but I couldn't do it. I just came back home and cried more. Why am I so pathetic to the point I can't even have the confidence to end my poor excuse of life when it feels like my entire world has come crashing down on me?
For once, I just want a relationship that lasts longer than a fucking month. For once, I just want things to go right. Is that too much to ask? I'm sick and tired of finally feeling happy, finally feeling like my life has some meaning only for it to be fucking ripped away from me.
