Discussion everytime i stand in front of the tracks i just freeze

[citadelofme]

someone on here told me i should stand in front of the train tracks and see if i can imagine myself standing there, getting hit by the train.

i walked down to the tracks and watched as trains came and went. i dont plan on killing myself for another year or two but everytime i watched a train go by i just froze, like even if it was the right time, the time i want to kill myself, i dont think i could do it. i can picture myself standing there and letting myself get hit by the train but i dont know if i could ever get the courage to actually stand there. i just freeze.

everytime i see something that could kill me (standing on a high ledge, standing by the ocean, watching a massive truck pass) my only thought is how it would feel to die from it. i picture myself falling and hitting the ground, or drowning in the ocean, or getting smashed against the concrete by the truck, but i know that if i actually tried to act on it i would just freeze.

i just wish there was an easy way to leave this world, i wish my body wouldnt stop me from leaving. it confuses me that my mind makes me feel like everything is hopeless and the only way out is suicide yet my body doesnt allow me to die. sometimes im unsure if suicide is the answer or if theres another way to just numb everything, i dont want to feel anything i just want it all to stop. i wish i could just not care about stuff, just be an emotionless robot with no idea what is actually happening.

 

[Ethernatuskoi]

Well, that's totally understandable, and it just proves that you're not ready to go yet. Many people end up giving up on their ideas in the heat of the moment, whether it's because of fear that triggers a panic attack, guilt, regret, among other things, but that's totally normal. I myself have given up on an attempt because I realized it wasn't the right time, I was afraid of failing, I was afraid of everything. This is due to my survival and preservation instinct, and unfortunately there's nothing I can do to change that. Despite the fear, I also imagine myself ctb on several occasions when things go wrong or when things are difficult. It's always good to stop and reflect on what you really want. Anyway, regardless of your choice, I wish you good luck

 

[guineapiglover8503]

I feel you so much. Whenever I drive or walk over tracks, part of me just wants to lie down and take a nap there until something happens. It's not the method I'm planning on doing (sn) but like it feels so tempting sometimes because shit hurts so much and I feel like nobody IRL understands how painful it is. When things get to a point where they hurt so much that dying sounds like a gift and you want it, that pain can't be described well in words ( for me at least )

 

[FlufflesAway]

I don't have the will power to change anything in my life. I don't have the willpower to end it. I can't do anything right. I too watch the trains go by OP, and dream I could take that action. I want to. I know I have to make a big change in my life, whether I want to stay or go, but I can't change anything.