v0id
my brain has claimed its glory over me
- Jul 12, 2023
- 9
at this point, i am convinced that i could never get what i wanted even if i worked hard for it. lately, nothing has been going right. i got bored one time and decided to list down every single thing that went wrong in my year that i could think of. i have listed quite a lot. every single thing i listed, i wanted, but had to let go of simply because i wasn't fortunate enough. i don't know, perhaps i did not work hard enough. but i did try. and i am tired.
the cards i've been dealt with are insanely unlucky. i tried to list things that went right this year, too, so that it would be "fair", and only listed 8. those doesn't even matter. they are only small things that doesn't change a thing about my miserable life.
i resent myself for being so goddamn envious of a friend who seem to have everything. i'm aware that she also has her own struggles hence i should not glorify her life but most times, i wish i was her. i wish i was more normal. more accepted. more loved.
jesus. why can't i get what i want even for once? i don't care if they simply just are not for me; i wanted them. i craved for them. i liked them. i invested time and energy to get those wins, and for what? nothing.
it has been like this for years. i'm just being hyperaware now because i can't keep being high functioning anymore. because of how fast paced life is, i tend to not wallow about my setbacks and move on quickly on to doing yet another meaningless task. but not now. not tonight.
i can't ride this one out. i wanted to live too, you know. but with my circumstances and everything going wrong, it seems like it would best to kill myself. i should have done it when i had the chance; when the damage i will cause for being dead is only minimal.
still, i wish i could die now.
being shot to death is still much easier than dealing with the problems i have that i did not ask for.
the cards i've been dealt with are insanely unlucky. i tried to list things that went right this year, too, so that it would be "fair", and only listed 8. those doesn't even matter. they are only small things that doesn't change a thing about my miserable life.
i resent myself for being so goddamn envious of a friend who seem to have everything. i'm aware that she also has her own struggles hence i should not glorify her life but most times, i wish i was her. i wish i was more normal. more accepted. more loved.
jesus. why can't i get what i want even for once? i don't care if they simply just are not for me; i wanted them. i craved for them. i liked them. i invested time and energy to get those wins, and for what? nothing.
it has been like this for years. i'm just being hyperaware now because i can't keep being high functioning anymore. because of how fast paced life is, i tend to not wallow about my setbacks and move on quickly on to doing yet another meaningless task. but not now. not tonight.
i can't ride this one out. i wanted to live too, you know. but with my circumstances and everything going wrong, it seems like it would best to kill myself. i should have done it when i had the chance; when the damage i will cause for being dead is only minimal.
still, i wish i could die now.
being shot to death is still much easier than dealing with the problems i have that i did not ask for.