Basically, almost all my group of friends said i'm a douchebag. People says i'm a narcisist and that i'm manipulative. I've struggled with mental well being for a very long time. In the end of 2021 i was in a very bad depressive crisis and decided to try to live at least one more year. That i would make friends and have fun, get out of my comfort zone, so i could maybe find something to live for, or die knowing this life just isn't for me.
It kinda worked, i found friends, i had fun, i showed my skills and passions in a show. I had never even kissed a girl, and i got a friend with benefits, i started a SSRI, although i still knew i would kill myself in the end of the year and i still had crisis now and then, life seemed great. But them an unfortunate event happened, and i all the bottled up shit came out. I flew the party and ran to the woods to hang myself. I did not had internet, i said goodbye to an old friend. But i did not jump, i turned on my phone and got internet, my friend was begging for me to stop, so i did stop. My friends that were still on the party asked where i was and i got angry at them, i texted a photo with the rope on my neck, they got desperate and asked me to come back. I was really pissed and out of my mind, a bit drunk too. Talked lots of shit, some that i had bottled up for months, some that they didn't deserve. A month later we got back to talking, and little by little i was getting my friends back, since that day on the woods i felt shit almost everytime. People were little by little getting to accept me back, but them one day we drank and a guy said i called some girls whores, i do not remember any of it. Now everyone hates me, i lost the two of my romantic interests, and i have to be reminded everyday how much of my life sucks now and it's all my fault. I deal with severe depression and anxiety on a weekly basis but no one cares, cause i'm a douchebag that doesn't deserve empathy. The only one with me now is my bestfriend, and my low mood is affecting him as well. And the worst part is that they are right about some things, i am a bit narcisist although i have low self-steem. I tried so hard to be altruist and be happy for poeple happiness, to always smile and be a good friend, but i always end up stumbling on my own toes and making something to make people hate me. Since poeple are better without me i think i will simply slowly walk away and go on with my plan
It kinda worked, i found friends, i had fun, i showed my skills and passions in a show. I had never even kissed a girl, and i got a friend with benefits, i started a SSRI, although i still knew i would kill myself in the end of the year and i still had crisis now and then, life seemed great. But them an unfortunate event happened, and i all the bottled up shit came out. I flew the party and ran to the woods to hang myself. I did not had internet, i said goodbye to an old friend. But i did not jump, i turned on my phone and got internet, my friend was begging for me to stop, so i did stop. My friends that were still on the party asked where i was and i got angry at them, i texted a photo with the rope on my neck, they got desperate and asked me to come back. I was really pissed and out of my mind, a bit drunk too. Talked lots of shit, some that i had bottled up for months, some that they didn't deserve. A month later we got back to talking, and little by little i was getting my friends back, since that day on the woods i felt shit almost everytime. People were little by little getting to accept me back, but them one day we drank and a guy said i called some girls whores, i do not remember any of it. Now everyone hates me, i lost the two of my romantic interests, and i have to be reminded everyday how much of my life sucks now and it's all my fault. I deal with severe depression and anxiety on a weekly basis but no one cares, cause i'm a douchebag that doesn't deserve empathy. The only one with me now is my bestfriend, and my low mood is affecting him as well. And the worst part is that they are right about some things, i am a bit narcisist although i have low self-steem. I tried so hard to be altruist and be happy for poeple happiness, to always smile and be a good friend, but i always end up stumbling on my own toes and making something to make people hate me. Since poeple are better without me i think i will simply slowly walk away and go on with my plan
