axelmf
agoraphobic
- Aug 20, 2024
- 2
(This is my first thread/post, sorry if this isn't written well.)
Everyone I've known has eventually left. I push everyone away, or something, and I don't think I can even control it anymore. My life has been a cycle of "meet someone -> grow pretty close -> 1/2-2 (half a year to two years) years pass and we start getting into arguments. fights, whatever, and upsetting each other -> ends up blocking each other and unblocking or something, stop talking but also still talking -> more issues -> friendship ends -> I'm alone for a few months -> I have some friends that last a week or month or so -> ends up finding another "long term" friend and the cycle repeats." I don't know if I can handle another cycle again. I get so jealous and envious seeing people say that they've had friends that lasted more than a couple of years, how do people still have the friends they had when they were kids? I know it's my fault, it's not a coincidence that everyone leaves, but I've tried changing things and it never works. At this point, I question if the only people who would be able to stay are creepy men twice my age, surely they can't hate me right? Am I too horrible even for perverts? I'm not going to test that, but I don't know who will be able to handle me. I have people ask to be friends on tiktok and stuff but I reject them all because they all seem like such nice people and they don't deserve the pain I'll make them suffer through. To be honest, I'm not sure if I'm even asking for help, because the current ones are too close to the "friendship ends" stage of the cycle, I don't have even time to prevent it (even though it has been about three months since the blocking stage started...). I don't want another cycle to repeat, I don't want more friends, though I'll probably give into the loneliness and find some once this cycle ends. I'm sorry to whoever I become friends with next. I feel as if the only way to end the cycle is to end my life. I'm so exhausted. The current two people I know are so lovely too, it hurts so much thinking of them gone, one has had me blocked for months with the reason of "I'll come back once you recover", and the other is the only person I talk to has told me that his boyfriend wants us to stop talking because we are technically ex's and I'm still not over the breakup (which was four months ago). Maybe I can get better and pray that the first one will truly come back, or maybe I can try really hard to move on and pray the second one's boyfriend accepts us being friends, but I don't think either will happen. I don't blame any of these people for their decisions, all the decisions people have made have been in response to my wrongdoings. It feels so silly to be saying that I want to end it over people leaving me, but I can't describe how much it hurts. The most painful thing is I warn people and they never believe me. I told those two people within a month of meeting them (which was 22 months ago/1 year and 10 months ago) that they would eventually leave and that I was a bad person, I understand them not wanting to believe my warnings, maybe it's nice that they want to hold onto the idea of me being a forever friend, but it just hurts knowing that I was right from the beginning. I can't see into the future or anything, I just know myself more than people realize, and I know the bad things that will come. Also, I should clarify that one of my past friends wanting me to "recover", is due to me having a lot of mental illnesses (undiagnosed, as I've never gone to therapy before, but trust me that I've done much research) and just overall issues, I would like to recover but my family has no insurance, we are poor, and the very issues I need money to seek help with cause me to be a "NEET"/"hikikomori", meaning I can't work for money to help myself. I don't know where I'm doing with this rant, I am just tired and lonely. Thank you if you've read this far.
Everyone I've known has eventually left. I push everyone away, or something, and I don't think I can even control it anymore. My life has been a cycle of "meet someone -> grow pretty close -> 1/2-2 (half a year to two years) years pass and we start getting into arguments. fights, whatever, and upsetting each other -> ends up blocking each other and unblocking or something, stop talking but also still talking -> more issues -> friendship ends -> I'm alone for a few months -> I have some friends that last a week or month or so -> ends up finding another "long term" friend and the cycle repeats." I don't know if I can handle another cycle again. I get so jealous and envious seeing people say that they've had friends that lasted more than a couple of years, how do people still have the friends they had when they were kids? I know it's my fault, it's not a coincidence that everyone leaves, but I've tried changing things and it never works. At this point, I question if the only people who would be able to stay are creepy men twice my age, surely they can't hate me right? Am I too horrible even for perverts? I'm not going to test that, but I don't know who will be able to handle me. I have people ask to be friends on tiktok and stuff but I reject them all because they all seem like such nice people and they don't deserve the pain I'll make them suffer through. To be honest, I'm not sure if I'm even asking for help, because the current ones are too close to the "friendship ends" stage of the cycle, I don't have even time to prevent it (even though it has been about three months since the blocking stage started...). I don't want another cycle to repeat, I don't want more friends, though I'll probably give into the loneliness and find some once this cycle ends. I'm sorry to whoever I become friends with next. I feel as if the only way to end the cycle is to end my life. I'm so exhausted. The current two people I know are so lovely too, it hurts so much thinking of them gone, one has had me blocked for months with the reason of "I'll come back once you recover", and the other is the only person I talk to has told me that his boyfriend wants us to stop talking because we are technically ex's and I'm still not over the breakup (which was four months ago). Maybe I can get better and pray that the first one will truly come back, or maybe I can try really hard to move on and pray the second one's boyfriend accepts us being friends, but I don't think either will happen. I don't blame any of these people for their decisions, all the decisions people have made have been in response to my wrongdoings. It feels so silly to be saying that I want to end it over people leaving me, but I can't describe how much it hurts. The most painful thing is I warn people and they never believe me. I told those two people within a month of meeting them (which was 22 months ago/1 year and 10 months ago) that they would eventually leave and that I was a bad person, I understand them not wanting to believe my warnings, maybe it's nice that they want to hold onto the idea of me being a forever friend, but it just hurts knowing that I was right from the beginning. I can't see into the future or anything, I just know myself more than people realize, and I know the bad things that will come. Also, I should clarify that one of my past friends wanting me to "recover", is due to me having a lot of mental illnesses (undiagnosed, as I've never gone to therapy before, but trust me that I've done much research) and just overall issues, I would like to recover but my family has no insurance, we are poor, and the very issues I need money to seek help with cause me to be a "NEET"/"hikikomori", meaning I can't work for money to help myself. I don't know where I'm doing with this rant, I am just tired and lonely. Thank you if you've read this far.
