S
scratchinglemons
Member
- May 28, 2023
- 8
I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I posted before about my boyfriend (now ex) and he just killed himself. He wrote me a letter apologizing and saying he wants me to get better and that he's sorry he did what he did, but I don't know what to do anymore. Everyday now is harder and harder. I want to slowly disappear from my friends, I want to go no contact eith my family, every day I think of dropping out and not finishing college and this stupid fucking major that I hate, I really just want to kill myself, but I feel like I'm too scared.
Like does nobody else really consider whats on the other side? Everything can be predicted but that, everything can have a possibility that has a higher chance but that. I'm so scared. I would be comfortable if there was nothing, but if there was nothing then there's no reason to live for someone's soul incase they're watching or whatever. I'm so sick and tired of all of this, I want to fucking kill myself, I can't even talk to a therapist because my insurance won't pay for it anymore and I need to save for tuition. Everything feels more and more stupid. I want to feel like someone needs me, needs me to be alive, but that won't fucking happen. It's honest to god like like I get attached too fast and when I realize someone might be getting tired I just disappear from them, and that they just move on from me. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't want to die yet but I so badly don't want to be alive. If I were to die by some accident, I wouldn't be upset. I feel likr everyday I'm alive out of spite to god, but if worst comes to worse, then I'll just kill myself at that point.
Like does nobody else really consider whats on the other side? Everything can be predicted but that, everything can have a possibility that has a higher chance but that. I'm so scared. I would be comfortable if there was nothing, but if there was nothing then there's no reason to live for someone's soul incase they're watching or whatever. I'm so sick and tired of all of this, I want to fucking kill myself, I can't even talk to a therapist because my insurance won't pay for it anymore and I need to save for tuition. Everything feels more and more stupid. I want to feel like someone needs me, needs me to be alive, but that won't fucking happen. It's honest to god like like I get attached too fast and when I realize someone might be getting tired I just disappear from them, and that they just move on from me. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't want to die yet but I so badly don't want to be alive. If I were to die by some accident, I wouldn't be upset. I feel likr everyday I'm alive out of spite to god, but if worst comes to worse, then I'll just kill myself at that point.