Venting Every time I think my fate might change, I’m reminded why suicide is my only option.

[vanillamilkshakes]

It feels like any time I even get the slightest bit of hope to possibly have a happy future, I'm slapped around the face and quickly sobered up. It's like I can't even have a good day... ever. It's just constant disappointment and frustration. I mostly find myself cursing myself for not CTB years ago... can't believe it's been well over a year since I joined this forum and I'm still alive.

I feel sick to my stomach every time I'm kicked down yet again. I've never fit in with regular society, severely struggled to connect with others, and I've experienced so much pain in my short time being on this earth, though it feels like I've been alive for 1000 years.

I wish things could be different.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm from Indonesia (& probably much older than you). But I can also deeply relate with this post.

There is this quite famous/popular quote circulating on the internet that goes like this:

"I think I'm afraid of being happy because whenever I get too happy something bad always happens."

Unfortunately, I don't know why, that often/always seems to be my life.. I don't even know if whether it's god, universe, karma, fate/destiny, or just my 'bad lucks', or if it's all just mere random chances & life's absurdities.. or even if it's my own faults/mistakes (as a pathetic sad loser/failure that should just not exist anymore in this world.. ) , but it hurts so much deeply.. & it's not just only frustrating,.. but it's very depressing.. (it's one of the main reasons why i'm suicidal.. )

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I'm from Indonesia (& probably much older than you). But I can also deeply relate with this post.

There is this quite famous/popular quote circulating on the internet that goes like this:

"I think I'm afraid of being happy because whenever I get too happy something bad always happens."

Unfortunately, I don't know why, that often/always seems to be my life.. I don't even know if whether it's god, universe, karma, fate/destiny, or just my 'bad lucks', or if it's all just mere random chances & life's absurdities.. or even if it's my own faults/mistakes (as a pathetic sad loser/failure that should just not exist anymore in this world.. ) , but it hurts so much deeply.. & it's not just only frustrating,.. but it's very depressing.. (it's one of the main reasons why i'm suicidal.. )

First off, thank you for that quote :)

And I agree, I'd like to think of myself as a somewhat nice person... It's also even more frustrating since we seem to receive the worst 'Karma', while it seems the assholes of this world can breeze through happily. Maybe we were both war criminals or something in our previous lives... lol.

 

[Yugi55]

Feel the same,man. The joke was fun lol

 

[Jamesbond]

Very relatable. I'm 42, bipolar2, social anxiety disorder, haven't left the house for years, alcoholic. December I'd been in bed for 3 months straight, managed to pull myself out of a slump, started to walk on a treadmill I'd bought, and by January I'd walked 200 miles and got myself sober. Felt a glimmer of hope. Then my landlord tells me I'm losing my home of 15 years and the benefits office are potentially stopping my benefits. The first thing I did was start drinking again because my anxiety went through the roof, It's the same pattern I've had for the last 10 years. Just when I feel I'm getting my head above the water and I can take a breath it's like someone adds another weight to my legs. It's why I've decided to end my life. Haven't got out of bed since January 19th. Lost my speech from seizures 3 years ago. Don't shower or take care of myself at all, Zero quality of life, no friends left, no help.

 

[BitterSandwich]

i have felt the same way for years at this point. i feel like i have made so much wrong choices that i robbed myself of a good future. or a future at all.

i hope life treats you better