Insomniac
𝔄 𝔲 𝔱 𝔦 𝔰 𝔪
- May 21, 2021
- 1,357
every time I find a logic solid enough to convince SI to release me from hell, my brain hijacks this very same reasoning and use it to strengthen my will to stay.
it always happens because I can't just set a suicide date and time because then I have to keep my mind distracted long enough to not lose focus on freedom/death.
but my mind always finds a way to hijack my plans and "prove" me that there are x and y solutions to my problems.
but then my problems come back and amplify exponentially, and my will to CTB also amplifies exponentially along with my SI and my problem solving abilities. Everything grows proportionally and I'm just...
suffering. Suffering is the only thing that don't budge. and anxiety. Crippling anxiety is always there simultaneously in the foreground and background of my very being while pleasure is never nowhere to be found.
I am on antidepressants, mood stabilisers and sleeping pills and I still have terrifying nightmares every night...
it always happens because I can't just set a suicide date and time because then I have to keep my mind distracted long enough to not lose focus on freedom/death.
but my mind always finds a way to hijack my plans and "prove" me that there are x and y solutions to my problems.
but then my problems come back and amplify exponentially, and my will to CTB also amplifies exponentially along with my SI and my problem solving abilities. Everything grows proportionally and I'm just...
suffering. Suffering is the only thing that don't budge. and anxiety. Crippling anxiety is always there simultaneously in the foreground and background of my very being while pleasure is never nowhere to be found.
I am on antidepressants, mood stabilisers and sleeping pills and I still have terrifying nightmares every night...
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