dizzdesi
Member
- Oct 13, 2023
- 98
I love this place. Genuinely. I really do. I'll leave for a bit, believing I don't have to CTB, but then I return like clockwork. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like it's inherent. I don't know if I believe in fate, but maybe I do because I feel like I was doomed to be a fuckup and miserable, awful, hurtful person. I'm so sorry to all the people I've hurt. I don't know why I have these moments where I believe I'm getting better--then one thing reminds me of why I've wanted to CTB all my life and BOOM--I log back in here. At least I'm around people who get me. I haven't really gotten any of that IRL.
I want to move out and live on my own for a bit before I CTB. But it's hard for me to keep going with my depression, and knowing that eventually this will all be over...so what's the point in even trying? But I assume that it's like that for everyone...everyone dies someday. I guess we have to keep living in spite of it, no matter how long we have.
If I moved out on my own, I could have a gas setup. Or I could set up a way to partially hang myself. I wouldn't have to sneak around or worry about my family finding me dead. I want the paramedics to do that. That's what they're trained for.
Anyway, if you guys have any advice for me on how to keep going in spite that this will all be over soon, I'd be grateful if you could share.
Edit: I don't like knowing that one day I'll traumatize my family even more but I know that at least I won't hurt them any more than I already have.
I just sent an apology to my FP (favorite person, ofc I have bpd lmao). I don't know how they're gonna take it. I didn't really go into specifics, but I did apologize for all the pain I put them through. I'm assuming when they wake up, they're gonna be worried about me and call me while I'm at work. I have putting them thru that too. But damn, I guess I'm gonna worry people what with how they know about my negative view on life and the world and pretty much everything. When I text people I love them in the middle of the night, they immediately call me thinking I'm about to CTB. I'm almost jealous how they think I actually have the guts to carry it out. One day, I'll have to.
I have a feeling I'm just gonna keep adding to this so I don't clutter the forum. You all are genuinely the only people I can share this with without feeling judged or afraid I'll be committed.
edit: shit shit shit I think they're waking up. i don't want to have to explain myself to them in person. i'd rather text. i'm gonna put my mascara on real quick and head out early to class lol
I want to move out and live on my own for a bit before I CTB. But it's hard for me to keep going with my depression, and knowing that eventually this will all be over...so what's the point in even trying? But I assume that it's like that for everyone...everyone dies someday. I guess we have to keep living in spite of it, no matter how long we have.
If I moved out on my own, I could have a gas setup. Or I could set up a way to partially hang myself. I wouldn't have to sneak around or worry about my family finding me dead. I want the paramedics to do that. That's what they're trained for.
Anyway, if you guys have any advice for me on how to keep going in spite that this will all be over soon, I'd be grateful if you could share.
Edit: I don't like knowing that one day I'll traumatize my family even more but I know that at least I won't hurt them any more than I already have.
I just sent an apology to my FP (favorite person, ofc I have bpd lmao). I don't know how they're gonna take it. I didn't really go into specifics, but I did apologize for all the pain I put them through. I'm assuming when they wake up, they're gonna be worried about me and call me while I'm at work. I have putting them thru that too. But damn, I guess I'm gonna worry people what with how they know about my negative view on life and the world and pretty much everything. When I text people I love them in the middle of the night, they immediately call me thinking I'm about to CTB. I'm almost jealous how they think I actually have the guts to carry it out. One day, I'll have to.
I have a feeling I'm just gonna keep adding to this so I don't clutter the forum. You all are genuinely the only people I can share this with without feeling judged or afraid I'll be committed.
edit: shit shit shit I think they're waking up. i don't want to have to explain myself to them in person. i'd rather text. i'm gonna put my mascara on real quick and head out early to class lol
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