Every day worse off

[CommitSudoku]

I just need to get stuff off my mind, or perhaps I need advice, or perhaps I need death. I know it's the last actually but it is currently impossible so I'll go with the first two.

Every day becomes worse in some way, a little or a lot, but the decline is evident. Today's issues were failing further at communication, grim realizations, and more of the usual. Two main happenings that still bother me I'll get in to.

First, it feels like the universe is sticking its middle finger up at me and won't let me die. My personal plans for this weekend went up in smoke since my sister randomly decided to visit and left me watching her dog while she's with her boyfriend(?). I couldn't exactly tell her, "no I can't watch your dog while you go out and enjoy life without me, I need to try to kill myself and hopefully succeed this weekend or feel more prepared to succeed another time." But it tears me up inside she's out enjoying life and denied me the one thing I was looking forward to. I like her dog, but I just can't lately. I'm watching the dog explore the backyard as I type, it just makes me want to cry. Same when I took her (the dog) on a walk this morning. It's what anyone would call a beautiful day and seeing her enjoy life, something I cannot, just cracked something sad in me. I saw bikers and people out walking and all I could think was those were activities that used to bring me happiness but now it's empty. There's no desire to even partake in them, just a recognition that once upon a time I was better off and I can't go back. I've been feeling like crying all day and yesterday, I have sometimes then I'll go back to numb. I drank last night when I haven't in a while and for a short while it was the best I had felt. But I'm out of vodka and would feel guilty leaving the dog to bike to the store and my sister changed from visiting tonight to tomorrow despite me working tomorrow so I can't do much that day.

Second, I tried to convey some of these things to others. I guess that's one issue right there. I've got in my head from these forums others will understand when plenty still don't. He said I could say anything and I said how I don't even want help now, how I'm incapable of somethings and he just didn't get it. I can't bring myself to eat lunch, at the moment I would just get sick, my stomach is full on anxiety anyways. I said so much and it was back to, "eat something," as his suggestion. I told him how walking just made my depression worse and he said to just keep trying that as well. I really am incapable of communicating properly. I talked to some others yesterday and that was a reminder as well that they don't really care. I'm just convenient, or inconvenient, sometimes so I'll get a response until they tire of me. I wanted to come on here but the same social anxiety exists the more I talk to anyone or post. Also I was very tired, I ended up not being able to write after a point. Plus I was close to being drunk and had the joy of passing out quickly.

Today's been an absolute waste. My only accomplishment is taking care of the dog and I feel guilty towards her that I don't have the same energy or joy. Seeing her play with toys makes me want to cry too.

I'm not even sure what advice/input I want. Maybe on communication. I don't know how not to be negative. I don't know how to express what I want. I just wanted to be alone this weekend honestly. I can't fill any of the house with gas or anything since the dog. And my sister is important to me and I wouldn't want her or her dog to see my ugly body suspended by a rope. So I'll probably be stuck another week, I'm dreading it already. I want to quit it all but I know that makes it worse. The anxiety while working is slightly better than the anxiety while not. Why do weekends suck so much? How do others manage to eat in healthy amounts? It's either starving or a binge for me. I've slept more than I do on the weekdays and I'm just as tired and more sad in the way I end up actually crying. Something gets worse every day and I don't know what to do.

 

[whatevs]

Hey, don´t expect people that have never dealt with crippling social anxiety or depression to understand you. It´s NOT your fault that you can´t communicate it. It can ´t be communicated in a meaningful way without commiting to months of artistic creation.

Weekends are harder because you are alone with your misery, hounded by what could have been but apparently will never happen, or all the things that you can no longer enjoy. At least when you have tasks part of your mind is occupied with it.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Hey, don´t expect people that have never dealt with crippling social anxiety or depression to understand you. It´s NOT your fault that you can´t communicate it. It can ´t be communicated in a meaningful way without commiting to months of artistic creation.

Weekends are harder because you are alone with your misery, hounded by what could have been but apparently will never happen, or all the things that you can no longer enjoy. At least when you have tasks part of your mind is occupied with it.

You put it so well.

I guess what hurts a bit more with communicating is that for some of them they do have similar experiences with depression/anxiety. One person who always defauts to ghosting me even said she had experienced how painful being ghosted was. Another who I mentioned here will say things like, "I understand you since I was just like that," but we're to a point where I'm negative so much of the time it's either ignored or else he suggests things that don't do much. I don't think he knows me. I know me well enough to know when I'm like that I either just want to be heard, have someone who understands (like how this forum is), or it's a cry for help (SI I think we call it here haha). It's funny all my attempts to cry out for help get ignored. I'm probably just viewed as attention seeking lol or a waste, I am a waste. Anyways I agree with you that people who haven't dealt with anxiety or depression in a crippling manner can understand, they definitily can't. But it does hurt being told things like, "you can say anything, I understand what it's like," then I get suggestions that seem to ignore what I've confided or else the impression it's not actually accepted/wanted when I do confide. These forums are great in that you can be yourself, but somewhat of a reminder that outside of them you cannot be yourself, no matter what people say.

Anyways my mind is messed up today, my apologies for a ramble-y response back. Thank you so much for commenting, especially the latter part about weekends resonates and I appreciate how nicely you worded it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are going through all this. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. When things get worse, it really can be dreadful. I understand that it can be hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Just writing this here since I have nowhere else.

Took the dog on another walk earlier, I heard honking so I looked at the road. A car had stopped and a deer was in the grass beside the road just in front of this car. The car keeps honking, perhaps they know something I don't. The deer proceeds to cross the road in front of that car and another car that was coming in the opposite direction. Managed to not get hit. But gosh I wish I had the reckless abandon that deer had. I might be better off for it. Or maybe I would have been hit by a car by now and be done with all this.

 

[sampsnsimpsn]

New here, and maybe you've said it before, but what changed in your universe to get you to this point? I can relate to the sleeping and not accomplishing anything. Some days I have the energy to eat once, maybe twice, other days I'm lucky to snack on anything, and others I go buy the whole store because I'm hungry for everything.

 

[Crazy4u]

please keep writing. I can relate to some of the things you wrote. I don't know how to respond. I'm on a new anxiety medication and I feel so weird today.

The deer encounter is nerve wrecking! I'm glad you are ok

 

[CommitSudoku]

New here, and maybe you've said it before, but what changed in your universe to get you to this point? I can relate to the sleeping and not accomplishing anything. Some days I have the energy to eat once, maybe twice, other days I'm lucky to snack on anything, and others I go buy the whole store because I'm hungry for everything.

Welcome to SS, thank you for commenting on my thread, I appreciate it.

I'm not sure if I have said it before or not to be honest, my memory seems to be going more every day. I think my mind is making a conscious decision not to hold on to anything anymore haha anyways, a lot of it wouldn't count as having changed, I was very actively suicidal in high school, just didn't work out. I tried for a while in college. I think I was even doing better for a while, perhaps. Then it all came crashing down again. Now I've graduated college and I have a job, two actually. Those might be part of what's changed. There's nothing wrong with the jobs, just everything wrong with me. I've realized happiness for me is just impossible to achieve. I dread just living from one day to the next, my anxiety and depression have gotten much worse these past few weeks. My family is falling apart, and I don't have many friends left. I foresee no future where I find happiness, just further pain. And more than that, I just hate who I've become, I'm irredeemable. Fundamentally, my problems have always been due to myself and my mind, therefore the solution is to get rid of the source of the problem - me.

What brought you to SS?

Also on a slightly related note, about to go back to binge eating lol will take my mind off the anxiety of having to be alive for a start of a new week for a few minutes at least. Also gotta share some of the food with the dog (said dog has her own food though, but she's sometimes depressed as well and won't eat unless someone else does).

please keep writing. I can relate to some of the things you wrote. I don't know how to respond. I'm on a new anxiety medication and I feel so weird today.

Thank you, I'm glad to hear this. It's off topic (not that this thread has a topic), but what's the new anxiety medication like? Does it seem to work, have any other medications worked before it? I sometimes dream of taking anxiety medication, then remember I'm the type of person who would OD on it. Which wouldn't honestly be an issue if I didn't know pills are generally an ineffective method

 

[Crazy4u]

Welcome to SS, thank you for commenting on my thread, I appreciate it.

I'm not sure if I have said it before or not to be honest, my memory seems to be going more every day. I think my mind is making a conscious decision not to hold on to anything anymore haha anyways, a lot of it wouldn't count as having changed, I was very actively suicidal in high school, just didn't work out. I tried for a while in college. I think I was even doing better for a while, perhaps. Then it all came crashing down again. Now I've graduated college and I have a job, two actually. Those might be part of what's changed. There's nothing wrong with the jobs, just everything wrong with me. I've realized happiness for me is just impossible to achieve. I dread just living from one day to the next, my anxiety and depression have gotten much worse these past few weeks. My family is falling apart, and I don't have many friends left. I foresee no future where I find happiness, just further pain. And more than that, I just hate who I've become, I'm irredeemable. Fundamentally, my problems have always been due to myself and my mind, therefore the solution is to get rid of the source of the problem - me.

What brought you to SS?

Also on a slightly related note, about to go back to binge eating lol will take my mind off the anxiety of having to be alive for a start of a new week for a few minutes at least. Also gotta share some of the food with the dog (said dog has her own food though, but she's sometimes depressed as well and won't eat unless someone else does).

Thank you, I'm glad to hear this. It's off topic (not that this thread has a topic), but what's the new anxiety medication like? Does it seem to work, have any other medications worked before it? I sometimes dream of taking anxiety medication, then remember I'm the type of person who would OD on it. Which wouldn't honestly be an issue if I didn't know pills are generally an ineffective method

that is ok :) I told my psychiatrist about binge eating but she recommended a therapist for this problem.

It is my second day taking the medication so the effects are not clear. I have never taken medication before. I also don't appreciate addictive medications like Xanax. My psychiatrist understood my concern and prescribed low dose of SSRI escitalopram (for anxiety and depression) and hydroxyzine (for anxiety and insomnia). The escitalopram didn't do much it may take a few weeks to kick in. Hydroxyzine was good but too strong. I felt dizzy and nauseous today. I felt like I could sleep for 24 hours if I want!

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/need-advice-first-appointment-with-psychiatrist.84024/

 

[CommitSudoku]

that is ok :) I told my psychiatrist about binge eating but she recommended a therapist for this problem.

It is my second day taking the medication so the effects are not clear. I have never taken medication before. I also don't appreciate addictive medications like Xanax. My psychiatrist understood my concern and prescribed low dosage of SSRI escitalopram (for anxiety and depression) and hydroxyzine (for anxiety and insomnia). The escitalopram didn't do much it may take a few weeks to kick in. Hydroxyzine was good but too strong. I felt dizzy and nauseous today. I felt like I could sleep for 24 hours if I want!

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/need-advice-first-appointment-with-psychiatrist.84024/

Thank you for answering. Sleeping for 24 hours sounds close to a dream come true (it being an eternity would make it a true dream come true). Not so good about the dizziness and nausea, I hope those don't crop up too often as you continue to take the medication. Wishing you the best with it and I hope it helps!

 

[sampsnsimpsn]

Welcome to SS, thank you for commenting on my thread, I appreciate it.

I'm not sure if I have said it before or not to be honest, my memory seems to be going more every day. I think my mind is making a conscious decision not to hold on to anything anymore haha anyways, a lot of it wouldn't count as having changed, I was very actively suicidal in high school, just didn't work out. I tried for a while in college. I think I was even doing better for a while, perhaps. Then it all came crashing down again. Now I've graduated college and I have a job, two actually. Those might be part of what's changed. There's nothing wrong with the jobs, just everything wrong with me. I've realized happiness for me is just impossible to achieve. I dread just living from one day to the next, my anxiety and depression have gotten much worse these past few weeks. My family is falling apart, and I don't have many friends left. I foresee no future where I find happiness, just further pain. And more than that, I just hate who I've become, I'm irredeemable. Fundamentally, my problems have always been due to myself and my mind, therefore the solution is to get rid of the source of the problem - me.

What brought you to SS?

Also on a slightly related note, about to go back to binge eating lol will take my mind off the anxiety of having to be alive for a start of a new week for a few minutes at least. Also gotta share some of the food with the dog (said dog has her own food though, but she's sometimes depressed as well and won't eat unless someone else does).

Honestly just kinda stumbled onto the site. I deal with death quite often in my line of work and also have lost several people in the last year or so, and I just get on these weird spells of just thinking about death. That leads to reading about death and eventually I end up in some real backwoods places on the internet haha.

I can't say I dread living one day from the next, because I'm optimistic that every day is a new day and hopeful that something will change from the previous day. So I can't relate with that thought. But anxiety and depression have certainly got the best of me to where I don't sleep, eat and lack all motivation most days. Depression is unfortunately something that's all too common in my work. Similar to you in that graduated college, in the career field I said I'd be in when I was 5, and truthfully nothing to complain about in that department. I too feel like I don't have many friends left, but that's also a choice thing on my part.

What's life like when you're not anxious and depressed? Are you introverted/extroverted? What changed in your social circle to lose friends? What is your ideal goal of happiness?

 

[CommitSudoku]

Honestly just kinda stumbled onto the site. I deal with death quite often in my line of work and also have lost several people in the last year or so, and I just get on these weird spells of just thinking about death. That leads to reading about death and eventually I end up in some real backwoods places on the internet haha.

I can't say I dread living one day from the next, because I'm optimistic that every day is a new day and hopeful that something will change from the previous day. So I can't relate with that thought. But anxiety and depression have certainly got the best of me to where I don't sleep, eat and lack all motivation most days. Depression is unfortunately something that's all too common in my work. Similar to you in that graduated college, in the career field I said I'd be in when I was 5, and truthfully nothing to complain about in that department. I too feel like I don't have many friends left, but that's also a choice thing on my part.

What's life like when you're not anxious and depressed? Are you introverted/extroverted? What changed in your social circle to lose friends? What is your ideal goal of happiness?

Do you mind me asking what your line of work is? No need to answer if you'd rather not put that out there.

As for your questions, I can get lovely mood swings so occasionally I'll get a crazy, chaotic high of happiness, then I know the low following will be good lol happiness and any positive emotions are rare though, depression and anxiety seem to be my base states. If I'm not feeling either of those I'm most likely just feeling numb and empty. That's been happening more lately, I'll just fill my time with something pointless and distracting. Nearly all of my past hobbies have lost their interest so I don't really bother with them. Life never really has any joy or point to it. I'd say I'm introverted, but social anxiety really prevents me from being extroverted at all haha I'm not sure what changed in my social circle, I think I just got left behind. People just stopped bothering with me and I learned through experience that when I kept trying to engage it wasn't wanted, and I was a bother. So some people drifted away. For a few others, I just realized I was too toxic to be around them so I removed myself. My "ideal goal of happiness" would be eternal sleep, that would make me happy. This has reminded me how I used to have another goal though, I used to just want to find someone who would accept me and we could live a simple life together where we'd make each other happy just by being there. Thank you for reminding me of that. Experience has taught me that won't ever happen though, and eternal sleep has been a consistent goal even when I still had the other. Thanks for the questions, it's nice to have someone interested, rare as well.

If you don't mind me asking as well, what is your ideal goal of happiness?

On the dog note again, I really wouldn't make a good pet owner, she cried earlier and then she was looking at me while standing by her toy. I wish I had the energy. Or the alcohol to improve my mood. I have neither. If I end up playing with her I'll probably cry. I would sleep early but I don't want to wake up tomorrow and the thoughts before I sleep will be a waking nightmare tonight. I wish my sister hadn't put watching her dog on me. Again I like the dog and my sister, but I can barely do this. It seems like everything involved makes me want to cry. But my sister is too busy with her boyfriend(?) still to even respond to my texts. Been a few hours since she even opened them which means she probably still means to disrupt me tomorrow. Oh the joy.

 

[sampsnsimpsn]

Do you mind me asking what your line of work is? No need to answer if you'd rather not put that out there.

As for your questions, I can get lovely mood swings so occasionally I'll get a crazy, chaotic high of happiness, then I know the low following will be good lol happiness and any positive emotions are rare though, depression and anxiety seem to be my base states. If I'm not feeling either of those I'm most likely just feeling numb and empty. That's been happening more lately, I'll just fill my time with something pointless and distracting. Nearly all of my past hobbies have lost their interest so I don't really bother with them. Life never really has any joy or point to it. I'd say I'm introverted, but social anxiety really prevents me from being extroverted at all haha I'm not sure what changed in my social circle, I think I just got left behind. People just stopped bothering with me and I learned through experience that when I kept trying to engage it wasn't wanted, and I was a bother. So some people drifted away. For a few others, I just realized I was too toxic to be around them so I removed myself. My "ideal goal of happiness" would be eternal sleep, that would make me happy. This has reminded me how I used to have another goal though, I used to just want to find someone who would accept me and we could live a simple life together where we'd make each other happy just by being there. Thank you for reminding me of that. Experience has taught me that won't ever happen though, and eternal sleep has been a consistent goal even when I still had the other. Thanks for the questions, it's nice to have someone interested, rare as well.

If you don't mind me asking as well, what is your ideal goal of happiness?

On the dog note again, I really wouldn't make a good pet owner, she cried earlier and then she was looking at me while standing by her toy. I wish I had the energy. Or the alcohol to improve my mood. I have neither. If I end up playing with her I'll probably cry. I would sleep early but I don't want to wake up tomorrow and the thoughts before I sleep will be a waking nightmare tonight. I wish my sister hadn't put watching her dog on me. Again I like the dog and my sister, but I can barely do this. It seems like everything involved makes me want to cry. But my sister is too busy with her boyfriend(?) still to even respond to my texts. Been a few hours since she even opened them which means she probably still means to disrupt me tomorrow. Oh the joy.

I'm a paramedic. Awesome job, I love it, but it can be stressful. I don't necessarily stress losing a patient, but if there's a stretch of consistently losing people, that starts to eat at you. I think what makes things difficult is trying to talk to the people close to us about that stress because it's not something they can understand, or sometimes comprehend.

I understand the mood swings/the high/low. I consider myself an introverted extrovert. I love being home with my dogs watching movies or binging a tv show, that's my happy place. But at the same time I have a need/want to be out drinking at a bar, dancing like an idiot, or having a party at my house. I don't have a desire to be entertained, as much as I like to do the entertaining. If that makes sense. I don't necessarily have social anxiety, I can be "shy" at times which leads to being a bit awkward, but typically I'm a life of the party type. Unless I'm going through a low phase and then good luck getting me out of the house.

My goal or idea of happiness? For the longest time I thought it was the wife, kids, white picket, American dream family type thing. But I think I've settled that I probably won't have kids, of my own at least, and that's fine I've got plenty of nieces and nephews. But that's also where I feel like a failure because my younger sister's are both married and have kids. I'm the black sheep of the family, yet the successful one career wise. Happiness for me I guess would entail finding someone that complements me, and similar to you, makes me happy by just being there. Along with that, hosting get togethers, camping trips with my friends so our kids can grow up together. Or a house in the country with some land for a dirt bike track, being on my dirt bike all day and coming in to the dogs, that'd be fine too.

However, some of the above is why I've pushed friends away. A lot of my friends are married and having kids, and that reverts back to me feeling like a failure because that doesn't fit with the plan of me having kids to grow with them too. I also feel like they're not able to relate to me anymore because of those changes. Which I know they can, but it's easier to use that as an excuse haha. But I can relate to the feeling left behind.

Sorry that your sister is selfish in the sense that she doesn't see or realize you're going through stuff, and if she does still pawned her dog off on you, that sucks even more. Although I will say, call her pup onto the couch and cuddle with it, even if it invokes a good cry. Having my pups around are what keeps me grounded. It's cathartic, at least for me to be curled up on the couch with them. It gives me the feeling of being wanted, and needed.

Glad I could remind you of some goals. Sorry you have had experiences where you feel like having that person isn't an option. Do you ever miss some of your old hobbies or get the urge to try them again?

 

[CommitSudoku]

I'm a paramedic. Awesome job, I love it, but it can be stressful. I don't necessarily stress losing a patient, but if there's a stretch of consistently losing people, that starts to eat at you. I think what makes things difficult is trying to talk to the people close to us about that stress because it's not something they can understand, or sometimes comprehend.

How long have you been working as a paramedic? What made you decide you wanted to be one when you were just 5? All I can imagine is the stress of such a job and I know what I imagine isn't coming close, I knew I could never do a job like that or any working with the health/lives of others. It's amazing you took on such a job.

Thank you so much for the well written response as well, my apologies if my response in turn isn't as great, I'm a bit tired and will be sleeping after this. Have to go through another week, again. What I dreaded haha

I understand the mood swings/the high/low. I consider myself an introverted extrovert. I love being home with my dogs watching movies or binging a tv show, that's my happy place. But at the same time I have a need/want to be out drinking at a bar, dancing like an idiot, or having a party at my house. I don't have a desire to be entertained, as much as I like to do the entertaining. If that makes sense. I don't necessarily have social anxiety, I can be "shy" at times which leads to being a bit awkward, but typically I'm a life of the party type. Unless I'm going through a low phase and then good luck getting me out of the house.

I like that, "introverted extrovert," I feel like I'm that way to some extent. But more like I dream of being an extrovert. I feel safer and comfortable alone, but I've just always yearned for friends. But I was always shy, so I even worked at getting better on communication in hopes of getting friends. But that was another time. Your happy place sounds lovely.

My goal or idea of happiness? For the longest time I thought it was the wife, kids, white picket, American dream family type thing. But I think I've settled that I probably won't have kids, of my own at least, and that's fine I've got plenty of nieces and nephews. But that's also where I feel like a failure because my younger sister's are both married and have kids. I'm the black sheep of the family, yet the successful one career wise. Happiness for me I guess would entail finding someone that complements me, and similar to you, makes me happy by just being there. Along with that, hosting get togethers, camping trips with my friends so our kids can grow up together. Or a house in the country with some land for a dirt bike track, being on my dirt bike all day and coming in to the dogs, that'd be fine too.

However, some of the above is why I've pushed friends away. A lot of my friends are married and having kids, and that reverts back to me feeling like a failure because that doesn't fit with the plan of me having kids to grow with them too. I also feel like they're not able to relate to me anymore because of those changes. Which I know they can, but it's easier to use that as an excuse haha. But I can relate to the feeling left behind.

Why do you say that about, "I probably won't have kids"? Having siblings to compare our own life against can really hurt, if I compare myself against my sister I'm most definitely a failure. She's got her life together and prospects for the present and future. I'm barely making it from one day to the next. I like your idea of happiness though I suppose I'm biased since I liked who I used to be back when I had that goal. I hope you're able to get there. I wish I could say something like, "don't compare yourself to anyone else," but it would come out empty to be honest, just words. It's amazing you're doing well in your career, stressful as it is, hopefully everything else will fall in line eventually.

Sorry that your sister is selfish in the sense that she doesn't see or realize you're going through stuff, and if she does still pawned her dog off on you, that sucks even more. Although I will say, call her pup onto the couch and cuddle with it, even if it invokes a good cry. Having my pups around are what keeps me grounded. It's cathartic, at least for me to be curled up on the couch with them. It gives me the feeling of being wanted, and needed.

I'm probably being too whiny bringing it up when I let myself get into these situations. I can't really tell anyone no unless I have a good excuse. I'm already a bad person, the least I can do is help with stuff like these. But I feel so left behind. My sister is in another state usually and she'll call quite often when she's there, even just call from the grocery store. I nearly always answer and listen to her about whatever. But whenever her boyfriend(?) gets involved, I'm left behind, an after thought. Like how I said, she hasn't even checked my messages when she was in the middle of deciding what we'll do tomorrow which includes potentially uprooting me during the workday. I don't know, tonight it just really hurts, knowing she's out having fun, and yes her dog is nice but I just feel guilty I'm not even happy for her dog to be around me. And I couldn't try anything. I would have filled the house with gas last Sunday if not for knowing my family was visiting the upcoming Friday, but after that I was supposed to not have visitors for a week or more. But I can't do that and I'd rather her not find me if I succeeded in hanging, even if she has completely ditched me. At the same time I'm very tempted to. But her dog will cry every once in a while, her dog doesn't even want to be alone with me. I know the feeling. It's again my fault really since it's not like I'm honest with my family about things. I figure maybe they ought to see some signs but better if they don't in the end so they can't stop me. I don't know I'm barely able to hide it any more though. I just use work as an excuse why I'm sleeping away so much of the weekend, when in reality I just can't stand being awake. I tried last night to get her dog to stay on the couch with me, she left and laid on a chair and I didn't sleep too well on the couch haha though maybe a part of that was the alcohol. Sorry for rambling so much, I will use the excuse that I can be myself here and everyone else can be pulled along to suffer if they feel like reading it all. Sometime in December I think, before Christmas at least, I went down the rabbit hole of looking up dogs that needed to be adopted, I've dreamed of having a bigger fluffy dog, used to anyways, and I found one which was the epitome of everything I had always wished for in a dog. It goes to say, of course I wasn't allowed to get her. I'm just a fake adult lol and that kind of dog isn't what is accepted in our family. I gave up before finishing the application since it asked for 2 references that weren't family and I didn't have that many friends and I don't talk to my coworkers enough. So it's on me I didn't get her but I still tried to get my family to say I could, maybe I could have made it work. She was adopted by someone else. My sister knows this. So it kind of hurts in that regard too that she knows I wasn't allowed to get the dog I wanted, now I'm watching hers. Her dog conformed to what our family accepts so she was fine. It all just kind of hurts. It feels like ages ago now when I looked up the dogs, back then I was trying desperately to find anything to be a reason to live. It didn't work. It wouldn't have worked. I always return to this state. There's only one solution to be free of it forever.

Glad I could remind you of some goals. Sorry you have had experiences where you feel like having that person isn't an option. Do you ever miss some of your old hobbies or get the urge to try them again?

I don't miss the hobbies much any more, I just grieve the person I've lost who used to enjoy them. That person is already dead, replaced by a form of me which is better off dead. I feel like I can only look in on anything now and be like, "that used to be fun," but there's no desire at all to actually do it again. Would take too much energy anyways.

Thanks for replying and asking the questions again, it's rare to find someone who cares or is interested. I know I rambled too much, sorry about that I got a bit emotional. I hate Sundays, I hate having to start a whole new week. I'm not sure if you'll reply again or if we'll ever be able to talk as much so thank you again for writing and I wish you the best in everything.

 

[sampsnsimpsn]

How long have you been working as a paramedic? What made you decide you wanted to be one when you were just 5? All I can imagine is the stress of such a job and I know what I imagine isn't coming close, I knew I could never do a job like that or any working with the health/lives of others. It's amazing you took on such a job.

Thank you so much for the well written response as well, my apologies if my response in turn isn't as great, I'm a bit tired and will be sleeping after this. Have to go through another week, again. What I dreaded haha

I'll have been in the fire service going on 7 years this year. And my Dad was a firefighter, and naturally wanted to be like him. Even though I knew thats what I wanted to do, it took me until my late 20's to finally be mature enough to try and take on the responsibility.

The shy thing can be debilitating, so I completely understand. It's a hard thing to overcome. I remember back in high school, I sucked in my speech class because I was so shy and nervous. Eventually I ended up as a waiter I think my junior year, that was a blessing. I learned to chit-chat with anyone and everyone and became an open book.

As for my feelings of probably not having kids or that I'll fail at that goal, I just feel like if it was going to or supposed to happen it would've by now. I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be. If it happens awesome, if not I've kinda already accepted it.

Sorry to hear about your experience with trying to get a pup. That would be hard, especially having found one that checked your boxes. Your sisters pup moving away from you and being distant I wouldn't think too much into. Easier said than done, I know. Some dogs can be that way, especially if they missing their person. Sucks your family has strict standards on dogs. My parents were never really pet people, I mean we had a cat but dogs, nah too much work. I got my first pup back in 2012, and I got her because I was in a depressed state, going through a breakup, and felt alone even though I had my best friend living with me. I remember calling my mom to get her advise on if I should get her. Mom knew I was struggling, drunk and partying every night, and could hardly take care of myself. Obviously you could get what her advise was. However I'm definitely a march to the beat of my own drum type person, and ended up getting her. I'm glad I did because I probably wouldn't be here without her. I know it's not like having one of your own, but find a day where you can muster the energy to get out of the house and swing by a shelter. Don't go with the intent of looking for one of your own, but just go and ask to hang out with their pups for a bit. I've done this a few times and it can be cathartic. You may find yourself wanting to go there more often, as a safe space.

I don't think you're being whiny, we all have problems and while some may seem small or minute to one person, to another it's devastating issue. And without really knowing you, I don't think it's a stretch to say you're not a bad person, we're our own worst critics. And I don't think your family is completely oblivious, I'm sure they see things but probably assume "it'll pass, it's just a rough patch." I feel like those close to us want to believe we're not hurting, so they unconsciously assume we're not.

Sorry you feel that way about your hobbies and things you enjoyed in the past. Everyone needs something to distract ourselves/minds from and to find solace in. I hope that you find something like that again.

Thanks for the writing compliment, your replies are fine, I don't see them as rambling. And you're welcome for asking them, thanks for answering them. I'm a curious person, and sometimes I feel like I'm asking too many questions haha. But I'm more than happy to talk again, feel free to PM if you'd like. Hope you get some sleep, and for better or worse, tomorrow is a new day. I hope yours is a good one!