Venting every day is worse than the last

[OutOfTheVoid]

each day feels worse than the last. my depression is getting worse. im losing the energy or motivation to do anything. i feel deeply uncomfortable in my own body. my physical pain problems are getting worse too; my whole body aches more and more, my chest pain and headaches have become constant, and random shooting pains have been getting more frequent. being awake and conscious is a nightmare, and my sleep is filled with nightmares too. nothing brings me joy, everything just stresses me out and gives me anxiety

doesnt help that, yet again, my hrt is being withheld, this time because the insurance is refusing to cover my dosage increase, so i have to wait for a prior authorization with no guarantee it'll go through. fuck my doctor for not sorting that out sooner like they said they would. every day that i get closer to running out of estrogen, im more stressed about the possibility of the refill being denied

im also completely broke with no job and zero income. i was barely able to afford basic necessities bc i got a little money from family but i feel bad bc the family member who sent it is struggling to pay their rent. i need to apply for disability but fuck it is stressful to even think about. i tried to apply before but gave up. every day gets closer to the day i might lose food and housing

and ofc, the world is going to shit, between the trans genocide, impending climate catastrophe, and all the countless other injustices happening. every day is closer to doom

every day is worse than the last.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly believe that existing just gets worse as time goes on, and there certainly does seem to be no relief from suffering in this world. This world is hell to me, and of course it's just so awful being awake. But anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[Dying Alive 00]

I can identify very much with the motivation aspects there and sorry you're having to go through all that as well as the physical pains. Sorry too that you're in a place where you have to pay for medical care, or presumably go without.
And as depression and anxiety worsen, the ability to do tasks which previously might have been straightforward becomes worse. What you say there about applying for the disability benefits resonated a lot. I haven't been in that position specifically but relatively simple tasks these days, I either find overwhelming or just can't be bothered.

I'm especially sorry that you don't find respite in sleep. It's the one place I currently experience as an oasis and partly why I want it to be permanent!